DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

What's the question?

He is entitled to have friends who are women and to talk to them about his life and seek advice.

If you disagree about how to handle your DD then that’s something for you to discuss between yourselves but ultimately refusing to let her go to a different event unless she relents and lets you go to a match seems like a petty stance to me - if she says she doesn’t want you there just don’t go and, in the meantime, try and work on your relationship with your DD to eliminate the arguments and, in turn, improve your relationship with DH

Seems like he's investing a lot of time in to a woman who is not his wife

Should my DH be telling his colleague all about our family issues and then taking her side??

AIBU.....

Yes I'm aware what the category is. There's no question.

OK. Would you be bothered if it was a man?
I think he's entitled to share his problems with a friend. I don't really see it as him taking her side or your side. He's confided in her, she's given him advice and has taken it on-board. You don't agree with it which is a different issue. When it come to your daughter and the match, I agree with him. You can't emotionally blackmail someone into something they don't want to do.

And how appropriate is it for her to tell him that I should be pulling my weight, as he’s unwell but has to keep working to afford the school fees?

How unwell is he, os it a long-trem chronic ilness, does ot afeect his daily life? What has been done, or could be done, to try to support him with his illness?

But if he’s really unwell to the point he is struggling to work, is it appropriate to pile pressure on him to carry on to afford the school fees?

How unwell is he? Is it serious? Could you let him take some time off and take on extra hours yourself?

Well do you work? Do you have young children as well as the teenager?

It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

They’re friends and she’s right. And you do sound controlling.

Yes, people are allowed to confide in their friends and agree with the advice their friend gives.

I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to share our marriage issues with a colleague, seek her advice, and take her side. He tells her so many private matters. He said I only speak to her because she listens.

Of course you can pull them out of school. People move their kids’ schools all the time. They’ll be far more negatively affected by dad having a breakdown or having to leave work because he’s sick while mum doesn’t work than they will by having to go to a state school so he can ease off a bit and be healthier and happier.

It sounds like your husbands colleague has his best interests at heart and you don’t give a shit about him… only what he can pay for you.

Stop retraining and get a job. Any job. And take your kids out of private school, needs must. It’s hardly fair to expect your husband to be the sole earner if he’s unwell. What if he becomes too unwell to work? You are also blackmailing your daughter, I agree with the colleague that you should respect her wishes The more you post the worse you sound.

Obviously pulling your kids out of school is an absolute last resort and I get that but if your DH is suffering from a stress related mental health crisis, you need to be more understanding. Telling him he has no choice because he has to work to pay the school fees is likely contributing to his overall stress level and making things worse.

Could you not work part time and retrain? Or work in your previous field as you get other qualifications? Or at least reassure your DH that once you have retrained he can take the pressure off himself at work and give a timeframe?

I would be careful to take this seriously as stress can be dangerous and he is suffering.

Why don’t you just say you think he’s having an affair?

I'm not surprised you are unhappy OP.

Your are his wife and his life partner.
You and he should be a team and should discuss family issues and work out joint decisions and strategies.
Instead he is freezing you out and he and this woman are having the discussions and making the decisions.

It is totally inappropriate . He is far too emotionally involved with this woman.
You need to talk to him about appropriate boundaries in a marriage.

Maybe you should listen and actually hear him and value him and he wouldn’t need to get that elsewhere….

How unwell is he, do you know that stress can be really serious? How is it affecting his daily life, is he getting support/help?

she is a friend as well as a colleague and it’s absolutely normal to discuss personal and relationship issues with friends. Perhaps he wouldn’t have such issues to discuss if you didn’t just see him as a walking cash machine.

Do you talk to your friends about your marriage and kids? I talk to mine all the time.

Thank you. I told him I am so unhappy that he’s discussing our family issues with her.