DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

The particular example you give wouldn't strike me as anything worth getting worked up over. It's a pretty minor issue. Maybe there are other worse things, but you haven't told us what they are.

Maybe he would feel similar about you sharing your marriage issues on a public forum!

I agree with him anyway and think you are being unreasonable to force your presence on your daughter when she doesn't want you there.

agree, why on earth the training if it’s not going to be financially viable? What’s the retraining costs and what is it in?

Rather than make an effort yourself to work?it’s all on him isn’t it!

Well, I disagree with pretty much every sentence of this post. But arguing about it will get us nowhere. Clearly my relationships with both partner and friends are very different from yours thank God

And what did he say to that?

You can retrain at a slower pace, while getting a job that pays now. Have you asked your husband what he thinks would help, rather than 'telling' him what to do all the time.

You're not listening to anyone here, so no wonder he's had to find someone else to confide in. You seem all about yourself, the poor bloke.

You better do something because he might leave you high and dry altogether if you don’t alter the ridged plan you made years ago (that only suits you and is making him
i)

You need to wake up. Your husband is unwell and you need to make big changes or the damage may be long term.

So tell him that you find the friendship inappropriate and he's to stop talking to her then.
If he says no, it's up to you what you choose to do going forward.

Just because you made an agreement previously, doesn't mean it can't change. Things change, situations change..... You don't want to change.

Your husband isn't well and is getting more and more stressed but you just keep thinking of yourself luv.

Great team player you are....

This.

OP you're not coming across in a good light here

Does your husband have any suggestions about what to do? Could you move to a town with decent state schools?

The fact that he told you he confides in her because she listens is, or should be, important information for you. It suggests you don’t listen, or that you don’t hear what he’s telling you, or that you dismiss his thoughts and opinions. None of those are behaviours of a supportive partner, and I wonder as well whether your relationship with your daughter is suffering in a similar way for similar reasons.

If your husband is already unwell because of toxic stress, that’s actually really threatening to your setup. If he breaks, he won’t be able to work at all. (Take it from someone who went through a breakdown.) Then what will you do?

In your position, I’d be seeing what work I could get around my training, or deferring my training in order to earn enough to support the family. I’d be re-evaluating the way we lived, seeing what areas we could make savings, like school fees or cars or groceries. You telling your husband to just get another job isn’t alleviating any of the stress on his shoulders, in fact it’s adding more.

Reading your posts, @Th8754 , my first thoughts were that it was a made-up post, you sound utterly deaf to reason and completely lacking in self awareness.

People saying he shouldn’t discuss these issues with a friend. Who should he talk to if his wife is not willing to listen but happy for him to make himself sick to pay for their lifestyle choices while she doesn’t contribute financially at all?

He should marry the friend. 🤣🤣🤣

That last bit of your post, isn't that exactly what you are doing? A 3rd party getting a one-sided view (the OPs) of the situation. Perhaps you should fuck off and mind your own business, not make assumptions about what the OP's husband or his colleague are doing.

Slightly off topic, but I’m wondering what you are retraining as? Is it the best thing for your family if it’s not going to bring in enough money for it to be worth it?

He's talking to her because she listens and understands his perspective. I know you made decisions as a couple a long time ago but they're not working for him now and it would appear he's not comfortable talking to you about that.

This is how emotional affairs start.
I would be seriously pissed off if my DP starting saying things like ‘Zoe says you’re not pulling your weight’
He is confiding personal things, and having long phone conversations outside of work. Not good.

You only think he's listening to her too much because you don't like what you're hearing and she's calling you out for your bullshit.

She'll bloody have to when he leaves her and or has a heart attack from stress

This doesn't answer the question lol

"All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”. Denying basic psychology and human nature has never worked for anyone.

I’m not sure what psychology books you’re reading (but if it’s Jordan Peterson, put it down) but I don’t think there are any that say having friends you confide in is immature and unacceptable.

I agree with the colleague about the match.

This.

Any update OP? Any decisions?