DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

I agree. He’s forgotten which team he’s on, and he’s using her as a stick to beat you with.

The only thing I will say is that he’s telling you he can’t cope with the stress of being the sole breadwinner and you aren’t listening. Unless your retraining is a sure fire route to well paid work you should reconsider your contribution and start sharing the financial burden.

Also, sorry, but how will you manage financially if this does turn into an affair?

Keeping your children in the same school is not worth sacrificing the health of a family member, especially the sole earner. You wouldn’t keep your children in the school if it was affecting their health (e.g horrific bullying, peer pressure related eating disorders)- how come your husband doesn’t get the same consideration?

It’s a very short term way of thinking anyway, as if your husband gets burnt out and then can no longer work for 6 months/ a year while recovering, school fees might be the least of your worries. Then it will be your mortgage on the line too. Better to manage the transition and take control of the situation now, than be forced to do it in more stressful circumstances

She’s a friend. One of my male friends was a colleague and a friend; I moved jobs and now we are just friends. Reframe this as she’s a friend.

Do you have a problem with him processing his life challenges with a friend? I do it all the time because it helps me stay sane. I talk about family issues, DH issues, money issues, all of it. YABVU if you think he can’t talk to other people about his life.

i would have an issue with DH if he said “Laura thinks X” but not because he’d talked to Laura or that she’d made him think differently or helped him develop his thinking but because if he put it that way it would really piss me off. I don’t care what Laura thinks, I care what DH thinks.

I can imagine unhealthy communication habits might lead to this situation though so perhaps look at your marriage and whether you are both engaging in respectful communication and start there. Why did he tell you what Laura thinks? Was he being a goady fucker or was he feeling under attack from you? FWIW from what you’ve said, Laura sounds like a wise person with good views for your DH to listen to.

I sometimes hear DH say stuff and I can tell from what he says who he has been influenced by. That’s ok: the views we hold are always always influenced by those around us.

I am not convinced that OP’s husband’s stress is work related.

I think you need to be kinder to your DD and DH. If DD says she doesn't want you at the match, don't go, tell her it makes you sad but you're respecting her choice as you always will do when you can (ie when it is safe to do so). Discuss with DH how you can help him cut his stress. Can you work a few hours in the evening or over a weekend to help tackle financial stress at least a bit, so he can reduce his hours or change job? It may not be ideal but it is also absolutely not ideal to leave your DH suffering. Ultimately would your kids rather stay in a school you cant afford and risk losing their dad (stress absolutely can kill) or move schools but have a happier, healthier father?

I'm not surprised DH needs someone else to lean on and discuss things with, given you seem to have very fixed ideas. I wpuld though say to him that you want to discuss things between the two of you in future and agree an approach rather than him just speak to his friend.

The man sounds like he's in a hole.

I understand you’re upset but would you feel as upset if the colleague was a man? I know you’ll feel worried incase this leads to an affair which would probably worry me too but it sounds like he needs a friend and she’s been there.
We all talk to friends about family issues and listen to their advice, it sounds like you both need an impartial person to support you and help stop the arguing with your dd.

If your dd has asked you not to attend then I would respect hwr wishes. I would calmly explain you’d love to be there to support her but you’ll give her the space she needs.

I also understand you’re retraining but if your husband is that unwell then is this the right time to be retraining and leaving him with the stress? Sometimes children need to move schools, if you’re unable to help pay towards it then really that should be the next step as to not stress your dh more.

Your husband is behaving inappropriately and having an emotional affair.

If your daughter is behaving poorly then why is she even attending the match at all?

I don’t agree with your husband’s colleague (that is terrible advice). But I don’t agree with you either and the ultimatum you’re proposing is a terrible idea.

I’m wondering if your daughter is angry at her dad for a reason other than what you think? Maybe she suspects he’s having an affair and that is the real reason she hates him. Kids can be perceptive.

Also, why doesn’t your daughter have access to her own money to buy things she wants/needs?

I don’t think he is taking her side. She is taking his. This is why he is leaning on her. She seems to be offering him more support than you are.

You do sound a bit controlling. Your daughter wants to go to the match without you; you don't want to respect that. Your husband has a friend at work; you demand that he stop talking to her. If I were your husband I think I'd feel my only value to my family was as cash machine. I'm the one sacrificing my health at work so everyone else can have what they want. Step back and ask yourself: does your husband feel loved for himself? By you? By his child? Or is he only valued for what he can provide?

If it's the latter, then he probably will end up having an emotional affair and I wouldn't blame him.

The answer is this OP. But you have made the mistake of asking on Mumsnet where everyone is happy for their husband to have a female best friend. That's not real life.

He’s not taking her side she’s basically agreed with him

An odd general conversation about misbehaving teens is one thing, but regular conversations, and siding with colleague is another.

Also, it sounds like he’s investing in a lot of time and energy with her - early more texts, long conversations etc. This is how emotional affairs start.

You definitely need to rein this in. Maybe keep
it simple, saying that if he’s stressed, he shouldn’t be texting at 7am and work stuff should be kept to working hours. He needs downtime away from work. Same for evenings as well, so cut the work conversations after hours etc.

Teenagers can find it hard to manage their feelings appropriately as they begin to find their way in the world. If she doesn’t want her parents at the match, I would give her some grace with that. It’s nothing to get too concerned about after all. And certainly no need to punish her, for it being her preference for now. Maybe she’s just trying to find a bit more independence and autonomy.

I do think that your DH could be turning to his colleague because he doesn’t agree or feel comfortable with your hard line approach to discipline of your daughter. And maybe he feels that way about other issues in the marriage too?

Maybe you could just step back a bit and think about whether or not you could make some adjustments. No woman would like this critique and interference in private family matters from a husbands colleague OP, especially the insinuation that you aren’t pulling your weight. Just give yourself time to get over feeling livid and instead, ask yourself honestly, if he has anything to complain about or be disappointed about, given he is already under stress.

Talk to him calmly and take the hint to really listen rather than to tending to control when you feel things going wrong. Sometimes a softer approach works better.

It’s not unreasonable of him to have a friend and to confide in her. However he is being very dim parading her opinion in your marriage.

I think you are completely in the wrong and treating your husband very selfishly regarding his health. You also know it, which is why your husband's friend calling your behaviour out has touched a nerve

…he’s always leaning on her…he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He tells her so many private matters.

I agree with @Wellstonethecrows.

@Th8754, in my view this is an emotional affair. Your H is investing a great amount of emotional energy, time and attention in this OW while sidelining you. Their constant contact and his confiding private matters are highly inappropriate. It sounds like his primary relationship is actually with her, and they are calling the shots regarding your marriage and family.

There is an intensity here. Their messages may not be flirty, but they are building emotional closeness, intimacy and reliance. She is hugely significant to him and his allegiance has shifted. She is confident that she can criticize you and he will allow that.

You both need to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She examines how marriages/relationships are threatened and damaged when one partner blurs lines in a friendship and forms an inappropriately close connection by confiding and investing emotional resources in the third party and away from the primary relationship.

@Th8754, this boundary trampling wouldn’t be happening in my marriage and it shouldn’t be happening in yours. I would be going nuclear on him for opening a window to OW and bringing her into your marriage and family. Tell him he has much to lose if he doesn’t cut her out. It would be a dealbreaker for me, and if my H pushed back he’d be sent packing while I weighed my options.

Your current parenting strategy doesn't seem to working well so it sounds like DH is reaching out to find other viewpoints. DH is telling you about his stress and health and you're not supportive. Sometimes we get stuck in a cycle of behaviour and your tactics and attitude just aren't helping. DH obviously values this person's advice and they've got a more external view than the day to day grind that you're currently in.

If it gets to the stage when he’s too ill to work, and can’t pay the rent/mortgage, you’ll lose your home. My personal opinion is that losing your home is worse than the kids changing school. If you pull the kids out of private school now, reduce the pressure, it’s less likely that you’ll lose your home.

Or, you need to bring in some income to take the pressure off DH. If you can’t/won’t pause the retraining, can you at least get an evening/weekend job?

Who do you talk to when there’s issues you want to discuss with someone? You do sound controlling. Dont really understand why you’re desperate to attend the match. Being there when she’s said you don’t want you there will show her you don’t listen and care about what she wants. You turn up, she’ll likely be so angry with you that she won’t have a good match anyway. And then that’ll be your fault.

It’s perfectly to speak to a friend for advice. You just don’t like it she has a different view point. He’s not siding with her, he has got a different opinion to you.

I'd be upset I'm your shoes but don't you think she makes some fair points? It is controlling to insist on going to the match and to insist your husband keeps.working his stressful job. You have no even explored it meaningfully. Reducing hours, remortgaging, speaking to the school or grandparents, stopping retraining if you aren't too far in.

Sadly the old "my wife doesn't understand me" does seem to be true. You don't sound like someone who loves him and wants a shared family life, ypu sound like you think everyone needs to do as you say.

Absolutely you should be fuming he is confiding like this in a female colleague!! Yes it does make all the difference that she is female, I think it is absolutely fine to be controlling about this issue but that doesn't mean everything else is your fault and you are controlling.

My husband would be given an ultimatum over this, go and find a male friend because men investing time into female colleagues and then crying that that person is their friend whilst their wife is really struggling with that concept is a really really shitty thing to do as a man.

I do agree with the other posters re your daughter, teenagers can be stroppy so leave her do her match and go to her party. Also agree re your husband's job stress and private school fees. Maybe if looks for something else less stressful and at the same time the lovely understanding female colleague is also not in his life.
I would not budge on the female colleague issue at all though!

And if everyone I'd fighting or disagreeing with you, it might be time to consider that you're the common denominator

Do you think he is actually trying to tell you how he feels about things by using the opinions of another person? I wonder how much of this the colleague volunteered and how much of it was your DH seeking validation of his own opinions.

It sounds like you need to step back and reflect a bit @Th8754 as your communication with both your husband and daughter has gone a bit wrong.

You can't really expect to have the deciding vote in your DH's life, or even your DD's now. I think it would be worth thinking that you can reasonably have a 1/3 vote in your DD's life and 0 in your DH's.

Address these problems first before seeing whether there really is a problem with this colleague, or whether she is being used as a communication device by your husband.

I think these views are your husband’s views, he wants you to go to work so you can help pay the fees and reduce the stress on him and he feels you shouldn’t go to your DD’s match. However you don’t agree with him so he’s speaking to someone about it and she’s agreeing with him. If my female friend is a breadwinner and stressed at work and her husband won’t step up or cut their coat according to their size, I’ll be giving her the same advice. You’ll be upset if it was a male friend or male family member or even counsellor giving him the same advice because you don’t want to work so her being a woman is just a red herring here.