DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

Colleague aside, is your daughter happy? Not wanting parents at a match and demanding money, is there a chance she's being bullied and that's why she's acting out

Also as other people have said, in this instance it sounds that she's actually being a supportive friend. And it sounds that he isn't comfortable with some of your views on parenting and is sounding them out with her.

If you're retraining surely there's an option for you to take a year out and work to take the pressure off him. You know. In sickness and in health and all that. Seeing as the children's school is so important.

A woman who is not an uptight wife.

YABU

1. I would listen to your daughter and not go to her game but still allow her to go to the party. She obviously is feeling some kind of way and you aren’t entitled to her time just because you’re her parent.
2. Your husband is obviously looking for the support you aren’t giving him and yes he is entitled to vent to a colleague and take her advice if it’s sound advice
3. yes you’re children can move schools
4. if you are so adamant about your children staying in this school why aren’t you asking your husband what can I do to elevate your stress? Is it the cost of the school? Do I need to stop retraining for now and GET A JOB!
5. you aren’t meant to be working as a partnership and when one is down we lift them up and help. Have you considered the reason he vents to his colleague is because you aren’t listening.

This has obviously hit a nerve with you. In the kindest way you sound very indignant. Take a step back. Act quickly if you value your marriage. He has told you why he engages with this other woman (his waking thought, 7am?!) as she listens. Ie you don’t hear him, or hear him enough. Treat it as a wake up call. Get some time alone with dh. Apologise that you haven’t been enough for him. Compromise about the work/ill health thing. Could he drop a day a week? Could you or dd get part time work to bel with expenses? Presumably your retraining is an investment in your career for higher pay?
Listen to your daughter. It’s sad she doesn’t want you at the match but find out why, hear her too and act on what she says.

The children didn't decide their "lifestyle choice" - he and OP did in choosing the school.

There should be boundaries around what you discuss with colleagues. I will talk about family problems involving my parents or sister to colleagues, but I wouldn't start discussing any marital issues - especially not with male colleagues. I'd be worried it might be taken the wrong way.

@Th8754 The issue here is you have a variety of problems that need dealing with - DH and his colleague are not the main issue. You and your DH need to take some time to have a serious conversation about everything that is happening in your lives and how you are going to tackle it together. He has health issues, you have financial issues and there is something going on with your child if she doesn't want you at her match and her behaviour is unravelling.

It seems as though the reason why he is talking to someone else is because communication between the two of you has broken down, that is where you need to focus. You need to be a team on the same page and if things have gone beyond you being able to get on that same page, you need to consider your future together.

Stop focusing on the colleague and start focusing on your family life and familial relationships - you need to get things sorted before it is too late. Do you still want this relationship with your husband? Are you happy? He clearly isn't. And neither is your daughter.

I think there are a couple of things to unpick, firstly consequences for poor behaviour should be in relation to what happened. Telling your daughter she can’t attend a party because she doesn’t want you at the match is really odd because one doesn’t relate to the other…
She doesn’t want you at the match because your DH won’t give her money, fine don’t go to the match but she doesn’t get to go to that party for her behaviour and lack of respect to her Dad, that makes sense, not tit for tat ‘well if you don’t want us at that match, your not going to the party’.
If she’s been rude and disrespectful she shouldn’t be going to a party regardless of the match.
Your husband is ill through stress and is carrying the full financial burden because you are re-training and you are concerned about your children attending a school they have always known.
Plenty of people work whilst retraining, I would honestly look into night shifts or similar to help or realistically reconsider if private school is affordable for your family. It doesn’t sound like it is and plenty of people have moved children out of the private school system recently.
It sounds like you’re not listening to your husbands struggles and taking on board what he is telling you so he has given up and is sharing his problems with a colleague.
I think he has done this because no one listens to him at home, and it’s a slippery slope….
It’s not unreasonable to question what he’s doing it all for, he’s unwell, his daughter treats him poorly if she doesn’t get her own way about money and you are more concerned about his telling a colleague his struggles then him being so stressed he is ill…..
I think it’s time to sit down together and have an honest conversation about what is happening and how you can support him. I’m kind of glad he’s found someone to chat to about it, too many men bottle everything up and tell no one with awful consequences.

with all do respect, you don’t sound like the best partner.

kids are resilient, no it’s not ideal but your husband is unwell from stress and your concern is school with little empathy or concern in your replies for him. Clearly the status quo isn’t sustainable and you seem rather to prefer running him into the ground than pulling together as a family- whether that’s exploring other school options or pausing retraining to take up some of the slack.

you’re a team. You’ve said yourself there is no affair or suspicious element, he’s got a friend who is providing from what it sounds, reasonable advice. Just because it doesn’t fit your own opinion on the matter you are cross. I’d be willing to bet if he felt properly supported and less controlled by you that he wouldn’t be leaning on her quite so much. Her gender is irrelevant, on this occasion, imo.

yes I do think it’s weird to enforce your attendance on her match. She doesn’t want you there. I think you need to work on the relationship with both DH and DD rather than force your POV.

It's so bizarre to me that anyone has this batshit attitude to opposite-sex friendships. Absolutely no one I know would think like this, nor put up with it for a second if their partner tried to give them any sort of "ultimatum" over their friendships.

"OK. Would you be bothered if it was a man?"

Yeah, but it never is, is it?

This is absolutely not true at all. I am not a "cool wife" or whatever other derogatory term we're using today, but the OP's issues are much bigger than this colleague and this colleague is likely a symptom, not the cause. Deal with the cause; the lack of communication, the stress, the financial issues, whatever is making the daughter miserable, and this colleague relationship would likely change. Her DH is grabbing for something because he is so unhappy and OP isn't dealing with that unhappiness. The colleague is not the main problem right now, OP needs to refocus. If they fixed the other issues and the colleague relationship remained this way then I would be agreeing with you and advising they discuss boundaries, but they have much bigger issues and OP appears to not be dealing with any of it.

Eh ? Loads of women tell other women about their private familiy issues and get advice and commentary back.

Are men not allowed to do that ?

I always found it weird that it was meant to be an insult. Yes I'm cool, why thankyou! And yes it is cool to be in a relationship where I trust my partner. Must suck to not have that. Sunglasses descending emoji.

Dangerous advice. Why should op stop retraining and get a job (any job as you put it) so her husband can feel less stressed?? He's not going to quit his job just because he has no school fees ,is he ? How will he see his work bestie otherwise? The bottom line is as always the woman is told to make a sacrifice in order for a man to get his way, if op did this and then started a new thread in a years time saying her husband left her for a work colleague and that she cant afford to live because shes on minimum wage, you'd tell her off for being a doormat in the marriage. Working for your kids to be in a good school is a normal thing to do and no stranger should be telling him otherwise, if the man is genuinely unwell and needs to work less then im sure a doctor would be better placed to advise him rather then a a random woman at work who only knows one side of the story.

Someone always posts this but what do you actually mean?

Men never have male friends? Men don't make male friends at work? Men don't confide in male friends? Because all the above are patently untrue.

There is a kind of woman whose territorial hackles go up the minute any other woman hoves into view and interacts even a tiny bit with her husband, but who apparently never notices when her husband talks to other men, or women over 60, which happens all the time.

I think pp suggesting it could fall into an affair are underestimating how much the DH may be struggling and speaking with a female colleague can be much easier than a male one. It sounds like he’s on the verge of a breakdown and being able to speak to his colleague is reducing the stress a little - and he doesn’t get that support from his wife. I imagine he doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to even consider an affair!!

and he may have presented his parenting opinion as having agreement from his colleague because he thought OP might listen to him in that case - backfired unfortunately!!

1. I agree with the colleague. If your daughter doesn't want you there don't go BUT she gets there under her own steam.

1. You need to have a completely separate conversation with your husband about the over sharing with the colleague and why he does it.

So you're dictating who he can speak to, removing an outlet of support that he clearly needs, minimising his health concerns...

What do you bring to the relationship?

I think it's nice he has someone to talk too,.
You've seen the messages and they're not flirty so it doesn't look like an obvious affair.
I understand that you feel uncomfortable about him sharing your private issues, but what is the alternative?
He talks to her because she listens and it sounds like she offers an alternative opinion to yours which I get can be frustrating but can also be a good thing.

Also, he’s told you when the colleague agreed with him but there may well be occasions where she has agreed with you so to speak

i remember one colleague being indignant because his wife was upset about something that seemed quite minor but I could totally see her view (motherhood related) so told him and he ended up getting her flowers on the way home! You could say ‘why did he listen to you and not her’ but that can happen can’t it? An outside discussion can give you the perspective you need.

@Th8754sorry but I mostly think you are being unreasonable.

He has the right to discuss things with friends and ask for advice, as do you. It seems to be an issue because she’s a woman but if there’s no hint of an affair then that shouldn’t matter.

She’s right about the football match and you should respect your daughter’s request for you not to go and shouldn’t then ban her from a party. I wonder if you’re pissed off because this friend has highlighted you being quite petty and controlling. I wouldn’t like that either but it doesn’t mean you have to double down on it.

Ditto the pulling your weight conversation. Do you think deep down she has a point and that’s why you’re so angry? If he needs to take time off can that happen? Sick pay? Can you work at all?

I can understand why you’re upset but I think you need to reflect on why. No~one likes being told they’re in the wrong and especially not from someone they might feel a bit threatened by.
You also need to reframe him ‘taking her side’ to he’s taken advice and realised things don’t feel very fair right now.

I think they mean that men rarely develop these intense new friendships with men in the same way they do with women. Men make new male friendships, but they're rarely texting them every day and asking for life advice constantly.

I am not saying this is true, I have no real life experience of either of these things, I am simply responding to say that is what I think this poster is saying.
Over the last decade I have been lurking on MN, this scenario has come up a lot and tends to be an affair or emotional affair, even if just on the husbands side. However, MN is obliviously biased because you don't tend to panic that your husband has a new male friend.

I also really despise the ‘cool wife’ thing. It’s used here to shut people down and discredit their views as just trying to be ‘cool’ about stuff that’s deemed not ok.

It must be such a shock to hear that some couples trust each other and have evolved relationships where they’re not threatened by everything.

The reality is, if my husband is going to have an affair, he will. Me banning female friends is not going to be the think that stops him but being overly controlling and paranoid is so toxic.