DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

The woman at work sounds like she’s 1000 times the person you are. She appears to have genuine concern for your DH whereas you don’t appear to care at all about how he is as long as the money keeps rolling in.

At the same time you come up with a lame excuse about why you can’t earn any money yourself.

If I were your DH I’d divorce you.

You sound rather immature, she is clearly his friend and sometimes good to get opinion/perspective from someone that is not emotionally involved.

He's not taking her side.. is asking a friend for perspective, and I would agree with them, banning her for something because she won't let you attend a match sounds extremely childish.

Your poor husband will probably end up looking elsewhere.in the end.where he is listened to and cared about.you could get a part time job to help him out as he is not well.it’s not fair to keep relying on him for everything.

Where did you read that claim?
Is it ok to talk casually and or have a discussion on here anymore without being called out by some know it all I wonder?
Moving on..

Well she's right so he should agree with her and there's nothing wrong with talking to and seeking advice from someone....this is a you problem

This.

The cool wives will disagree but she needs to butt out.

He might be resenting her, I wouldn't blame him. OP should respect her daughter's decision.
OP, if this is your attitude I am not surprised there is conflict withhyour daughter. Don't blackmail her, is petty. Your DH can and should be free to ask advise from a friend who has a different outside perspective, he clearly can't feel like he can communicate with you, it seems it has to be your way or the highway. And if your DH is unwell, help him by getting a job or pull the kids out of school or he will have a breakdown or burnout. Don't dismiss it! You are treading on thin ice, OP.

Why doesn’t your daughter want you to attend the match ?

Whats causing your husband stress? Is it the financial pressure or the pressures of the job.

The colleague should be advising him to discuss this with you. His partner. Her opinion in moot but he seems to be swayed. Y her.

You don’t sound controlling to me. Just concerned. This is how affairs start.

This.

I doubt delaying your retraining a bit is going to cause a mebtal breakdown like your husband may have.

It's probably an interpretation based o. The fact you put words in his mouth saying he resent her.

It actually sounds like you don't care at all about your hubby. Several years ago mine was hit very badly with covid and was very ill for almost 2 years. Very quickly I stopped my re training program, grabbed the quickest job I could in a retail store to take the pressure off him so he could cut his hours in half. No way would I have let him be so ill and have expected him to still keep paying for school,house etc alone. Because a good wife or husband takes half the load when a crisis comes along not moan about the fact he clearly just wants and needs someone to talk to and support him and help him out. My hubby has a couple of close female friends he will chat to about everything has done for years and it does not bother me, we all need to chat to someone but it's me and the kids he loves and comes home to. This year his health was back to normal and I've gone back to my re training in the nursing department and given up the job but nothing would stop me jumping back in if I had to again to support him...a good marriage means both work at it in any way they have to...

YANBU to be pissed off about him discussing your DD in detail with a colleague- I wonder what your DD's wishes would be on that? I'm not saying I have never discussed DDs with my colleagues but I am mindful of my DDs privacy and how they would feel about being discussed openly this way as well.

YABU to go to a match when your DD has asked you not to.

You mentioned that he regularly says that you don’t listen to him. Assuming that this is true, do you think that listening to him more would make him confide in her less as there would be less need to get stuff off his chest?

Yabu to make a sick person continue work for school fees. Of course your kids will be fine moving schools- most kids do. If the school fees are so important to you, go out and earn that money.

FWIW I think that the colleague is right about the match situation. Have you talked about why she doesn’t want you there? You haven’t mentioned her age but I’m guessing that other parents don’t attend or you are doing something very distracting/embarrassing that’s putting he off. Using a party to get your way is emotional blackmail and nasty behaviour imo.

I would respect my teenage daughter’s wishes if she didn’t want me to attend. It’s only normal/natural for teenagers to request such things. His colleague sounds reasonable but I can see why you don’t like it if she’s disagreeing with your point of view. If you are feeling a need for control at the moment could it be because you feel a sadness that your life is changing & you feel like it’s not your own as much? Try to keep things light for everyone’s sake, including your own. Plan something fun with them both. Take care.x

What profession are you training for? Can you take a leave of absence and get some paid work so your DH can step back for a while? Also, if he is ill, surely he can get signed off by his GP and take some paid sick leave?

He does sound over-worked and overwhelmed and is leaning on this colleague for the support that you aren't providing.

I think that her advice about your daughter is right. I'm not sure why not wanting her parents to attend her match is something that you need to punish her for. She is obviously growing up and wants more independence which is natural for teenagers approaching adulthood.

Also interested to know what you are “retraining” in.

But you are posting here and hopefully listening - this is the equivalent for him.

if you split up as a couple there is no way the school fees will get paid. I think you might need to give this all a bit more thought as you’re not pulling in the same direction and it sounds like you need to.

I discuss lots of things with my friend from work- health, pets, relationships, money. If my partner told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to her about our relationship I would be very alarmed by this controlling behaviour.

However if I agree with relationship advice she gives me I would not describe it to my partner as ‘her’ advice- I would own it myself. It sounds to me as though your husband is describing it as ‘her’ advice because he is stressed and scared of disagreeing with you. This ties in with what I said above about controlling behaviour.

Stress can cause terrible medical & physical health issues. Your focus should be on that, on how to minimise it, rather than on controlling a friendship that is a source of support to your husband. (And yes, I agree that children should not change schools unless there is really no other option- but this makes supporting your husband more important, rather than less.)

Ok, a few things. He's quite allowed to speak to a friend about his issues. You can't move for campaigns for men to speak up these days (rightly) because bottling up issues is good for nobody. He clearly can't talk to you because you're rather controlling.

What are you doing to alleviate some of his stress? Why can't you work whilst retraining? Lots of people do. If it school fees are no longer affordable then you really do have to consider moving schools. What's the plan for paying school fees when your husband has a breakdown, or a stress induced heart attack?

And stop emotionally blackmailing your daughter. If she doesn't want you at her match, why can't you just respect her wishes? Even if she's saying it in retaliation for her dad not giving her money, it's still her choice.

Why not if he's unwell? And why should you insist your rd has to have you there to watch a game else be punished? You seem very unsympathetic OP, its,obvious why he's turned to his colleague.

There's a lot going on here! I think:

YABU to attend the match if DD doesn't want you to, or use the party as punishment if she doesn't let you attend
YANBU to be upset that DH is texting / talking to another woman a lot
YABU to assume DH can continue working if he's really ill, without at least discussing other possible options. When does your retraining finish?

How old are your kids? I agree you can't just pull them out of school if they're in exam years.

it's not about "taking sides", it's about making good parenting decisions.

So your husband is unwell with stress and you think it’s a good idea to pile on more and stop him off loading to a friend. Don’t we all talk to our friends about things that are worrying or causing us stress? Talking to an unbiased third party is usually the best person to speak to. I think you’re just unhappy that he agrees with a different strategy than you do.

I'm a private person and don't like personal things, other than the most innocuous, discussed with colleagues, neighbours or whatever but it happens sometimes. People sometimes need to offload and if they have a confidential friend, what they share doesn't become common knowledge.

What amazes me most of all is that your husband came home and told you of the conversation!

I agree with the colleague that, if your daughter doesn't want the pair of you at her match, don't go. What is the big deal? You could wonder why she doesn't want you there - I know I always found my parents acutely embarrassing - is a different matter for you to work out. It's more like she is just narked with you generally at the moment, not uncommon and it passes.

As for your husband not being well and stressed, having to work etc, more than you, we all have to work to provide for ourselves and families but presumably you work too and could maybe contribute more. It's not fair if everything falls on one partner.

You do need to have a serious talk with your husband about his stress and your financial situation. I can see if the children are teenagers and coming up to GCSEs or A levels it would be difficult to move them, but can you look into them going to, say, a Further Education college for GCSEs so that at least there is a plan to cut down costs? If it is the only school they have ever known, to be honest it would probably be quite good for them to have another challenge elsewhere and widen their social circle.

Also can you talk about the issue of contributions from you - e.g. have you started looking for jobs you can take when your retraining is complete? Can you do something like a weekend or evening job, or work you can do at home like remote secretarial or admin work?

If he can have these conversations with you, maybe he won't be bending his colleague's ear about it all so much.