DH and a colleague

[Th8754]

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend.
My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

Your marriage is on the brink anyway. You know this and thats why you're freaking out.

Your few messages portray you as an incredible controlling person. It sounds that je went along with it for years until he confided to someone who is opening his eyes to the dynamics of the marriage.

Of course you don't like it, but it might actually be for the best for him.

I'm sorry but I think your marriage is about to collapse unless you are start to consider your controlling ways and the impact it has on your family.

I agree with this

Your daughter doesn't want you at the match - you sit down and chat and figure out why and try and sort the relationship. It's bullying to insist on going

Your husband is too ill to work but there are school fees to pay - you sit down and work out options like you taking on some evening work /approaching grant finders (try turn2us) /switching to an interest only mortgage or extending the term / switching the girls at an appropriate point to state schools. You don't just insist he has to keep working. Stress can kill

Agree with this. I also agree with the advice that friend has given, as hurtful as it is to be asked not to attend.

She’s absolutely not wrong in anything she’s saying. You, on the other hand are being controlling and quite manipulative. I’m pleased for him that he does have a friend providing balance. You could do with listening to some of her advice.

She seems to have more respect for both your husband and daughter than you do.

It sounds like she is right

Should you be telling random MN'ers all about your family issues and then expect him to take your side?

Your question is obvious. He's not taking her side in an argument between you both. He's just more in alignment with her advice than yours.

I suspect you'll be more inclined to believe responses here that align with your own thoughts.

Y.A.N.B.U!

Most people would be uncomfortable worth their husband sharing so much personal information with another woman.

Yabvu. Whether she’s a colleague or not is irrelevant - she’s a friend. He hasn’t written his worries on the canteen noticeboard - he’s spoken to a friend about something that’s worrying him, she’s given her thoughts, and on reflection he thinks she’s right.

That’s not ‘siding’ with her. It’s an autonomous human seeking advice and agreeing with someone that isn’t you. Which unreasonably upsets you.

You do sound controlling, and you absolutely can pull your kids out of a school and move them if your poor husband is unwell (making him work while you retrain is grotesque - you could just as well park your retraining plans for a bit and go and work at Tesco or wherever so he could get a less stressful job and doesn’t have to kill himself working. You don’t sound very supportive, understanding or loving.)

Moreover, your daughter is an autonomous human too. If she’s having a mard and doesn’t want you to attend a sporting event, don’t go. You seem to have a massive problem with people making their own decisions. If your daughter was making a decision that puts her in danger - yes, intervene. But being stroppy and asking you not to come to an event is just boring teenage stuff.

It seems that he is off loading problems to this friend that he should be discussing with you OP. If the family situation presents in such a way that he feels he cannot be open with you then he’s surely going to talk to someone elsewhere. That, in part, is a good thing really as men are notorious for keeping things bottled up and not ‘talking’
Your best course of action is to start talking with your husband, the father of your children, the provider for your family, and build a united partnership for raising your family.

As an aside, but nevertheless important, the outcome of men who feel they cannot talk can be tragic. Please start talking with your husband.

Do you only discuss family issues with your husband?

Honestly, it's a really good idea to get an outside perspective when issues arise. Sometimes it's difficult to be rational about something when you are in the heart of it.

If you do discuss family issues with people other than your husband, then hopefully you can see that you are being hypocritical.

Fwiw I agree with your husband and his colleague. As a teenager, your daughter is heading towards independence, and needs to have some autonomy to do things on her own.

You posted that he resents her. That’s you reading his mind.

The ultimate issue is he talks to his work colleague about all this because he can’t talk to OP about it. Sounds like he feels he’s caught between a rock and hard place. OP won’t hear that he needs change at work as it affecting his health because she doesn’t want to impact the kids schooling. What is the poor guy to do? He can’t to his “partner” so he talks to someone else who actually listens.

Honestly you do sound controlling and you seem to show a lack of interest in your families feelings

its not unusual for teens not to want their parents at their sports events - but you have shown no curiosity as to why. When my dd did a stage performance she told me I shouldn’t go - yes it hurt but I talked to her and she said it made her more nervous if I went. I felt bad because I don’t want her to think I’d be disappointed in her! But I respected her decision and reassured her that I was if proud of her for being part of the performance. The next time she had a performance she asked me to come.

on the DH - you don’t seem to listen to him - I suspect you have the opinion that as the sahp you get to be in charge of that realm but it’s quite unhealthy. You need to act more as a team here.

What’s a “cool” wife?

This did jump out at me too. Retraining? When was the last time you were in paid employment? It does sound like he is supporting the household solo plus the stress of school fees on top. Now he has a friend who is providing some support and you want him to cut them off? I agree, it does sound like you are being unreasonable.

Does he not receive any sick pay? If he earns enough to put children through private education he should get a generous employee benefits package. Sounds like he needs some time out to feel better.

Oh and as an aside, I agree with the woman that punishing your child for expressing their preference you don’t attend their event this weekend is not the right course of action. Talk about alienating them further!

Is he taking her side though or is this his opinion that she just happens to agree with.

The two are very different.

Someone who doesn't object to her husband having female friends
Often used as a derogatory term by other wives whose idea of cool is to spell mens with a z

Might she have a point about you not pulling your weight while he is ill? I’m not clear what your "retraining" means - does it take up your time all day every day? If so, and it’s really impossible for you to contribute to the family financially at the moment, might there be any other solution, e.g. temporary bank loan, help from family? Your DH is not going to recover quickly if his work and working hours continue to cause him extra stress.

FWIW I would hate my husband to be confiding our private conversations/family issues etc with a colleague like this regardless of that colleagues gender, that part makes no difference to me. Its more that my personal life is being discussed with people I dont know. I dont mind the usual office chat but speaking about my parenting style or our arguments its sort of personal. HOWEVER I do think you have to look at your choices regarding to DH & DD too

Your husband is unwell and its stress related - you really need to get a job to allow him time to de-stress even if he continues working it will take the "our kids education solely relies on you" pressure off. I take it you have had a period of time out of work? Maybe now its time to allow him that time if he wants/needs it(be it sick leave in his current role or a career break or change) and you can get a job to support your family during this time. Your kids would be better off in a state school but with two happy parents than a private school that means they have a stressed out, unwell dad.
Stress and illness from it is awful and can be quite dangerous so please take care of him.

And in relation to DD if she doesnt want you to go you could just say, we would absolutely love to be there to see & support you, but we do respect your wishes so we wont attend, if you change your mind please let me know.

Also your husband is likely confiding in his colleague because he is unable to confide in you, you seem to be pushing that he needs to work to financially support the lifestyle you currently have...if you are reminding him of this when he tries to speak to you, that will be making his stress worse and pushing him away. Its important you listen to him and allow him the space to speak about how he feels.

*edited for spelling

I think the colleague is right on all fronts TBH. No way should you be turning up if she doesn’t want you there. If you don’t go maybe she will miss you and think twice next time.

Are you bringing in a part time wage whilst you’re training? And it sounds like your kids have a bit of an entitled attitude especially around money, maybe private school hasn’t done them any favours. Could they go to a good local school for GCSEs/ 6th form?

I feel for your husband TBH you and your daughter sound like you’re giving him a hard time. I’m not surprised he’s having to seek support elsewhere.

I think its fine to confide in friends about family stuff. Men often do this with women, as women are often more up for listening to personal stuff. If a person then feels the advice of a friend resonates, that's OK too. It's not 'taking sides' as the friend doesn't have a side, they're just giving an opinion.
Clearly you have tensions in your home and your H needs an external perspective.
That said, I do think there are red flags here as there conversations seem to be straying into her framing your DH as hard done by in his home life, and her offering the sympathy and care she's implying he's not getting. He is enjoying the attention, doing nothing to contradict her, snd trotting back to report to you how colleague feels sorry for him.
This is not only disloyal, but serves to crystallise his view of being a poor man, done wrong by. With the little whisper in the background of "colleague wouldn't treat me that way..."
If I were you I'd be pointing out that to allow that (not personal chat, but her criticism of you) is disloyal and that these relationships threaten marriages.

It's completely normal for your husband to confide in a friend and it's also completely normal that you feel uncomfortable about him discussing you. What isn't normal is that he's telling you about it, most people would take the advice and keep it to themselves. I suspect that the reason he's doing this is because he feels that you give no value to his thoughts and feelings, so he's telling you what his friend thinks because you won't listen to him.

You acknowledge that stress is making him ill, but think that your children's schooling and your retraining take priority. How long are you expecting him to do this for? If you're not careful he may have a complete breakdown and be unable to work and you will find yourselves in the shit having to make difficult choices quickly to try and stay afloat. You should be working together as a family and discussing ways to take the pressure off your husband. I can understand doing everything you can not to take your children out of school if they are midway through GCSEs or A levels, but otherwise move them over to state schools or you may need to postpone your retraining and get a job

I’m definitely not a Cool Wife.

However, you have seen their messages and they aren’t remotely flirty. It does sound like this man is desperate for support.

Your DD is fully entitled to not want you at her game.

Why can’t you work while retraining? What are you actually doing?

The way you have phrased your posts makes me wonder if you see DH as a walking wallet rather than a loved partner.

I don’t necessarily think he should share as much as he is with her but it’s just a friend and lots of women do share that level of detail with their friends. You don’t like it because she’s female and disagrees with you.
Regarding him being unwell, if he’s bad I personally think something should change, even if that means your kids have to change schools. His health is not a price I would be prepared to pay personally.

A woman who trusts her husband then. Whatever next!