Page 2 | DH and a colleague

Th8754 · 2025-12-05T22:39:43+00:00

Our teenage daughter is misbehaving lately, and she’s not speaking to her dad, my DH, over petty stuff - not giving her money to spend when she wants on what she wants, etc. She has a big match this weekend, and she doesn’t want us to attend. My DH said all of this and a lot more to his colleague and asked her what to do. She told him to respect our daughter’s decisions and not to attend! I don’t agree at all. I told our daughter that she can’t go to a party if we can’t come to the match. My husband’s colleague disagreed and said that’s not ok. He has now taken the colleague’s view. He tells his colleague a lot of things, by the sounds of it. They are peers and working in a stressful environment, and he’s always leaning on her. I am pissed off with him for discussing our family issues with her and taking her side. I told him to stop talking to her, too, as I noticed he calls her a lot and they have very long conversations. He’s now annoyed and said she’s a good friend and that I am controlling. She also told him to start putting himself first, as he's unwell too, but he has to work to pay for our kids' school fees. She told him to think it through, as in why is he doing it all, while I am not pulling my weight, while he’s unwell. I am livid.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 23:01

You do sound controlling, honestly. You can't just tell him to stop talking to someone who is obviously a friend as well as a colleague.

Your husband isn't taking the colleague's side in any case. She doesn't have a "side". He has listened to her advice about your daughter's match and he agrees with it. So do I, fwiw. You sound quite lacking in emotional intelligence.

The colleague may also have a point about you not pulling your weight. If there are school fees to be paid, then maybe now wasn't the right time to be retraining. Your DH's health does matter. Having said that, I'm not really sure why your husband is telling you that the colleague doesn't think you're pulling your weight...if that is what he thinks, then he should say so and own it. If he doesn't agree with the colleague, then I think it's unnecessary for him to repeat it.

It sounds like you don't trust him. Are they just friends or do you suspect him of having an affair?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 05/12/2025 23:03

Lots of things here. I agree with the colleague about your daughter and the match btw.

They do sound very close, good that he tells you I guess? Maybe he finds you generally unreasonable and objectionable to talk to.

Sounds a little like he is the least important person in your relationship, other than when it comes to £££££.

Toothfairy89 · 05/12/2025 23:03

People are allowed to discuss their problems with their friends. They are allowed to seek advise from others and they are entitled to agree with that advise. They don't have to agree with your perspective just because your their wife. Hes not taking her side, as she's not involved in the argument, he's taking her advise. Which maybe right.

Women discuss problems with their children/parenting with colleagues all the time, and seek advise from each other. Why do you think a man isn't allowed to?

Original poster

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:05

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 23:01

You do sound controlling, honestly. You can't just tell him to stop talking to someone who is obviously a friend as well as a colleague.

Your husband isn't taking the colleague's side in any case. She doesn't have a "side". He has listened to her advice about your daughter's match and he agrees with it. So do I, fwiw. You sound quite lacking in emotional intelligence.

The colleague may also have a point about you not pulling your weight. If there are school fees to be paid, then maybe now wasn't the right time to be retraining. Your DH's health does matter. Having said that, I'm not really sure why your husband is telling you that the colleague doesn't think you're pulling your weight...if that is what he thinks, then he should say so and own it. If he doesn't agree with the colleague, then I think it's unnecessary for him to repeat it.

It sounds like you don't trust him. Are they just friends or do you suspect him of having an affair?

He's not having an affair. But the level of emotional disclosure is worrying.

OP posts:

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 05/12/2025 23:10

I mean she is right, you should be pulling your weight. What are you retraining in and why does that mena you can't do sone part time work?

I suspect your issue is also in part that you know she is right!

He is entitled to friends of either sex. You are unreasonable to suggest otherwise.

He is entitled to discuss issues and seek a. I would out money on you chatting to your friends about it so why shouldn't he?

Would you have the same level of issue if he was chatting to a male friend?

Original poster

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:10

Regarding the affair - I saw some of their messages (he texts her early 7 am), all very much blunt about work stress. She’s equally direct in the messages and just supportive of him: zero flirting or anything.

OP posts:

lazyarse123 · 05/12/2025 23:10

You shouldn't go to dds match if she doesn't want you there. There's obviously a reason. As for pressuring dh to work for school fees sounds very uncaring. Do you actually value him?
He is allowed friends especially ones who seem to have his interests at heart. You're going to push him away if you haven't already.

beAsensible1 · 05/12/2025 23:25

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:10

Regarding the affair - I saw some of their messages (he texts her early 7 am), all very much blunt about work stress. She’s equally direct in the messages and just supportive of him: zero flirting or anything.

She’s not just his colleague she’s his good friend.

i think you need to frame it as that first. If you are against you DH talking to his friends about his personal problems then say that to him rather than it being the colleague.

but that is pre work time, I text friend I work with at this time. I message in my group chat at that time. It doesn’t matter, people will read it when they’re up.

are you upset because she’s a woman or because she has a difference of opinion that aligns with your DH. It sounds like he is struggling and needs to vent due to the pressure and you are only worried about keeping the kids in private school not DHs wellbeing or at least getting a job.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 05/12/2025 23:28

YABU. HTH

PeachyKoala · 05/12/2025 23:30

YABU

Stop retraining and get a job. You're being grossly unfair to your DH.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 05/12/2025 23:31

I mean usually wives are upset because husbands should be confiding these things in them and not outsiders. But it’s clear that he can’t confide these things to you because you don’t care… so of course he tells someone else

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 23:37

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:05

He's not having an affair. But the level of emotional disclosure is worrying.

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Do you not discuss any family issues with your friends?

Monty27 · 05/12/2025 23:38

Go to dds match, you're her dm.
As for dh spouting his family and marital issues to a work colleague, above all people, never mind gender i think I would lose respect as he is treating with zero respect.
He resents you.

Tiswa · 05/12/2025 23:42

There are so many different issues here but yes I think you do sound controlling.

You need to listen and properly listen to what the people in your life are saying. Yiur daughter has made a request for you to not be at the match respect that don’t punish her and make you go when she doesn’t want you

it sounds as if the colleague listens and gives advice rather than just ignoring

Crikeyalmighty · 05/12/2025 23:43

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:52

It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

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Rubbish -if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it and if it’s making him ill it has to stop- especially as you aren’t contributing financially-.my son had 3 different secondary schools for various reasons and lived to tell the tale - in fact he’s remarkably good at 27 with new colleagues, clients and friends because he’s had to be .

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 23:45

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 23:10

Regarding the affair - I saw some of their messages (he texts her early 7 am), all very much blunt about work stress. She’s equally direct in the messages and just supportive of him: zero flirting or anything.

So your husband is struggling with his health due to work related stress. You are saying that he needs to suck it up because the school fees need paying and you're too busy retraining to be able to contribute.

He has found a colleague who he likes and trusts, and she has been supportive towards him. She isn't flirty and you don't think they're having an affair.

He also talks to her about family stuff and it seems that she gives sensible advice which he chooses to take on board.

What is the problem here exactly? Aren't you glad that your husband has found a good friend at his stressful job? Are you really just put out that she thinks you aren't pulling your weight? Is that because you know she has a point?

McSpoot · 05/12/2025 23:47

Monty27 · 05/12/2025 23:38

Go to dds match, you're her dm.
As for dh spouting his family and marital issues to a work colleague, above all people, never mind gender i think I would lose respect as he is treating with zero respect.
He resents you.

So, OP gets to overrule the feelings of her daughter because she's "her dm". Not much dear about it there. The fact that the OP wants to punish her daughter if she (the OP) doesn't attend, makes it clear that only the OP's feelings matter. I don't blame her DH for looking to someone to talk with.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 05/12/2025 23:52

PigeonsandSquirrels · 05/12/2025 23:31

I mean usually wives are upset because husbands should be confiding these things in them and not outsiders. But it’s clear that he can’t confide these things to you because you don’t care… so of course he tells someone else

I agree that he probably can't talk to the OP.

But isn't it pretty normal for people to confide in their friends as well?

Disenchantedone · 05/12/2025 23:56

I'm with you OP. You decide if you go or not, or have a further discussion with your daughter to tell her how upset you are that she doesn't want you to be there. Take back the threat about the party though, tell her you just said that out of disappointment.
Your husband needs his mental health looked at and clearly sees this work friend as a bit of a security blanket. If the kids do have to change schools for your husbands health then that is for you and him to decide
I can't stand third party involvement getting a one sided view of the situation, she needs to fck off and mind her own business, not make assumptions on what you are doing.

Fends · 06/12/2025 00:06

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:52

It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

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You don’t have to “retrain”. What is the retraining?

oneinataxioneinacar · 06/12/2025 00:10

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:47

And how appropriate is it for her to tell him that I should be pulling my weight, as he’s unwell but has to keep working to afford the school fees?

I mean, it must be awful to be stuck working when unwell.

Could you ask about support with school fees if he needs time off? Some charities are around that may be able to help

oneinataxioneinacar · 06/12/2025 00:11

Th8754 · 05/12/2025 22:52

It’s stress-related. No, he’s not well, but we can’t just pull the kids out of the only school they've ever known?! I am retraining, so I can’t work.

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Is this a reverse?
He's too ill to work but has to work to support the lifestyle choices of three other people?

JulianFawcettMP · 06/12/2025 00:12

Monty27 · 05/12/2025 23:38

Go to dds match, you're her dm.
As for dh spouting his family and marital issues to a work colleague, above all people, never mind gender i think I would lose respect as he is treating with zero respect.
He resents you.

As you claim to be able to read his mind, perhaps you could also provide the solution.

oneinataxioneinacar · 06/12/2025 00:12

Your daughter sounds like she needs a proper chat and attention and someone to clamp down on her behaviour.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 06/12/2025 00:14

Disenchantedone · 05/12/2025 23:56

I'm with you OP. You decide if you go or not, or have a further discussion with your daughter to tell her how upset you are that she doesn't want you to be there. Take back the threat about the party though, tell her you just said that out of disappointment.
Your husband needs his mental health looked at and clearly sees this work friend as a bit of a security blanket. If the kids do have to change schools for your husbands health then that is for you and him to decide
I can't stand third party involvement getting a one sided view of the situation, she needs to fck off and mind her own business, not make assumptions on what you are doing.

So people shouldn't ever discuss their problems with their friends? And friends shouldn't ever offer honest advice?

Honestly, I wouldn't be interested in a friendship where only pointless small talk is permitted. I want to be able to talk about my life and theirs. Thankfully, my DH doesn't appear to feel any need to control what I talk to my friends about. And I don't actually care what he discusses with his friends. The fact that we both talk to other people about stuff doesn't mean that we don't also talk to each other.