To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

What level are we talking here? Do you not tell people things like it you have kids / what you did at the weekend sort of stuff or things about illnesses/finances/issues at home sort of stuff?

You dont owe anyone your information and they are free to view you however they choose

But if you think it is fine then why would it matter what others think?

It's your choice, absolutely, to talk of not talk about your life. You do what you wish.

Some people find it odd. That's their choice.

You do you.
I can relate.
My boss once tried (hamfistedly) to "mediate" between me and one of my staff to improve relations. During the session, she complained that I was "too secretive". I failed to understand what her issue was.

It's other people's issue. You don't have to change.

What details are they asking for? Some general details are fine to ask as part of conversation and others aren’t, so I can’t judge until you give some examples.

This sounds very unusual.

Who are these people and what kind of info are you withholding? Can you give examples?

If a new colleague asked you “did you grow up in this area?” would you prefer not to answer? “What school did you go to?” “Where did you work before coming here?”

That kind of question?

Or something altogether different?

I mean the lighter end - things like weekend plans, dating life, family stuff, etc. I’m friendly, I just don’t volunteer much unless I know someone well. I’m not secretive about anything serious like medical issues, I just prefer to keep general personal details minimal.

I think it depends on the questions and topic of conversation really.

“Do you have kids?” “Where are you from?” “Do you have a partner?” - all fair and normal questions to ask.

“How much do you earn?” “Why were you at the hospital last week?” “When did you last have sex”? - all intrusive and rude things to ask and talk about with people you’re not close with.

I think withholding weekend plans under some kind of need for ‘privacy’ is a bit odd and would make me think you’re actually attention seeking in a kind of roundabout way.

It's fine OP, but as you've noticed it will affect your friendships to some extent. But if that's ok with you then it's your choice.

I mean the usual way to deal with this is to have something that you don’t consider personal that you talk about.

if you genuinely don’t talk to anyone about anything then it’s hard to build relationships in the workplace and they can be useful

obviously it’s not compulsory but if you literally refuse to speak to people they do tend to think you don’t like them,

most people will talk about their dog or their cats or their car or whatever in these circumstances. Hell, even the weather or the state of the roads will do, neither of which are personal.

It depends what the "certain things" you are keeping private are.

In a social situation or an office it is perfectly normal to talk about where you worked before, what you did at the weekend, holidays, what you watch on telly, your partner, your kids, where you live. If you are not discussing any of that yes it's weird.

If it;s political opinions, anything controversial, health problems, trauma etc then that's not unusual to keep private.

It doesn’t matter what they think but it does get tiring when people push for information or act like privacy is a personality flaw. I’m fine with my approach, I just wondered if others experience the same reactions.

Ok so let’s say everybody does what you do, and never discusses weekend plans, family, the area they live in and so on. What do you propose people discuss for sociable conversation? Or are you happy with silence?

‘I went to Starbucks and had their Christmas latte, I found it a bit sweet’ is not personal information, but it is a good answer to ‘were you up to much last weekend?’
’My brother lives in Vancouver, I know the place well’ is hardly your bank account balance territory.
Not giving anything away would make me think you really dislike me and I’ll avoid you, not because I’m offended by your attitude, but because life’s too short.

Are you talking about people at work? Shop assistants making small talk? Friends? It depends who you’re not sharing with.

Yeah I agree

I'm confused. Do you mean that you'll be evasive about what you did at the weekend but you'll happily talk about your appointment with the dermatologist?

People share to connect and develop trust - and get to know each other. Rather than being evasive, maybe have a blander version that you can share. It's fair enough to maintain privacy but being completely closed off can be pretty damaging and isolating.

You can talk about or not talk about whatever you want. Totally your choice.

But you can't really be annoyed when people find you hard to get acquainted with. Or don't really trust you. Or don't want to open up to you.

There's a quote in I Capture the Castle where she says "it's hopeless to make friends with people who never talk about themselves". Tis true.

Exactly. There's privacy and then there's just being unduly standoffish and rude.

I wouldn’t think you were rude, unless you actually were rude and implied that you weren’t telling me your weekend plans in case I should stalk you. I would, however, think you were boring and would avoid conversation with you. And I’d find it a long day at work not being able to have a chat and a laugh with people who I spend more time with than anyone else.

You are free to share as little as you wish.
People are free to dislike it/find it standoffish.
We converse by talking and listening - a balanced conversation is often a trading of information.

I’m not against conversation, I just don’t share personal details with people I don’t know well. There’s plenty to chat about without going into my private life: work, current events, films, books, travel, food, daily annoyances, hobbies, anything really. Privacy doesn’t mean silence, it just means having boundaries.

It’s just small talk to make the working day pass a bit easier and to show that they’re a bit interested in you as a colleague. They don’t really want to know what you’re up to at the weekend.