To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

Mainly in work or new-ish social settings. With actual friends I share more naturally over time but I don’t feel obliged to open up to colleagues or acquaintances. That’s where people tend to push for details I’m not comfortable giving.

But how would you mention all of the above without mentioning your weekend plans? Surely travel, books, films, food, hobbies etc all fall under that umbrella?

I don’t think they’re ’pushing for details’, I think you want them to push for details, so that’s how you interpret it. Whereas they’re asking a bland, silence filling question they’re not that bothered about the answer to and will forget by tomorrow.

’Paranoia stems from wanting people to talk about you’

That’s where people tend to push for details I’m not comfortable giving.

And that's the odd bit - nearly everyone would be happy to tell a colleague they had two kids who were primary school age, a husband called Dave, and lived in the new estate up by the museum.

I think this is what it boils down to really - unless you're in a particularly high risk job field or similar situation then I guess this type of withholding is somewhat unnecessary by 'usual' privacy standards. So people will naturally find it standoffish and possibly a little insulting/ rude that you don't want to make that kind of small talk with them, especially when they've tried to open up to you and made an attempt to be friendly and get to know you. It's a form of rejection of others and of course they will feel that.

Obviously it's completely up to you what you share and when, but if you're keeping things like your weekend plans a secret then that's going to have an impact on your relationships with others as that's very much considered small talk as opposed to anything meaningful.

To be honest, I'm struggling to understand why you wouldn't want to share those details as, to me, they aren't anything overly personal nor do they seem to lead into anything that might be compromising etc. Can you explain what you think might happen if you did share what you did at the weekend or similar with others?

I think if I came across this I'd probably just accept you for who you are but I'd feel like you probably didn't like me very much. I wouldn't lose sleep over it but having good relationships with colleagues etc does matter to me - on one hand I like to have an idea what I'm dealing with and who I can trust and on the other it makes work much more enjoyable and helps get the day in. If you shared nothing with me I wouldn't be sure I could trust you as a team mate with a problem etc.

What on earth do you do at weekends that means you're happy to talk about all those things you've just listed but your weekends are off limits as too private to discuss?

I’m not evasive, I just keep things light until I know someone better. If someone asks how my weekend was I’ll say things like “quiet one, just errands and relaxing” rather than going into details. And I only mention medical stuff if it’s relevant, not as an overshare.

I’m not closed off, I just don’t think surface-level small talk requires my full personal life. I connect with people slowly, not instantly.

You probably come across as slightly rude.

The things you mention are all quite normal things to know.

Conversely, I would count serious medical issues personal and not for common knowledge.

What do you actually talk to people about? Or do you just expect them to share what’s going on in their lives, but not yours?

I’m not evasive, I just keep things light until I know someone better. If someone asks how my weekend was I’ll say things like “quiet one, just errands and relaxing

that is evasive. lacking in detail. Closed off. Most people would say something along the lines of "strictly and takeaway on Saturday, took the kids swimming on Sunday".

I would say you probably come across as boring.

I'm another not understanding the push for details.
For example, it's easy to talk about weekend plans without in depth revelations. You know, hanging out with the kids and maybe grabbing a pub lunch. No-one I know asks for more info than that.
How closed up are you?

But you dont want to share until you know people better but how can you know people better unless you share, sure do what you want you dont need anyone's permission but this over complication does seem attention seeking as another has .mentioned

Some people would consider asking if you have children as intrusive so it's all relative.
I have worked in places where everyone seemed to know alot about each other,:ex husbands, fertility treatment, kid's exam results etc etc.
That's completely ott Imo.
I feel it's best to keep things minimal

What if you went on a holiday/city break or weekend away? Would you talk about that?

Or if you went out for a friends birthday. Went to see a theatre show? Went to a concert? An art gallery? Spa break? The beach?

Would you call that type of stuff “private”?

When you say people push for details, what do you mean?

Sharing things and establishing mutual trust is how you get to know people better. That doesn't mean "over sharing" or "instant" bonding, it's still a gradual process but one that can't happen at all if you never reciprocate.

Your interaction style is telling people that you don't want to get to know them.

I'm all for privacy and boundaries, but what you're describing is something else which is why you're getting negative reactions.

I have an old friend who is like this, and as a chatty and straightforward person I do sometimes find it tiresome. Over the years I’ve realised I need to ask her direct questions to get less vague more specific answers, but compared to me (and most other friends) it’s like getting blood out of a stone. Maybe I’m just a gobby oversharer, but I’m way more comfortable with people who chat freely.

Not really, you can talk about interests without giving a personal diary entry. For example, films - what you like, not what you watched yesterday. Travel - places you’d love to go, not your exact plans. Food - favourite restaurants/cuisines, not where you’re eating this week. Hobbies - general interests, not your schedule.

You can have completely normal, friendly conversations without giving people your blueprint. It doesn’t all have to be autobiographical.

It's up to you what you chose to divulge, but might make you come across unfriendly.

Honestly you do sound very secretive to me. Human connections are (largely) by sharing stories about ourselves and our lives. If you choose not to do that you must accept you’re behaving unusually and some people won’t view you positively.

Who are all these people pushing for details of your fascinating life?

But you literally can't ever get to know someone by behaving that way. Telling someone what film you watched yesterday is not a personal diary entry.

Are you this rigid about other things?

Not divulging a film you watched for the sake of ‘privacy’ is just petty, to the point of being ridiculous.

It’s playing silly games probably because there isn’t much else going on.

I understand why some people prefer more personal small talk but for me it’s just a boundary, not a judgement on anyone. I’m friendly, I pull my weight at work and I’m perfectly capable of building good relationships, I just don’t share personal details early on. It doesn’t mean I dislike anyone or that I’m hiding anything dramatic, it’s simply how I’m wired.

Some people bond through personal disclosure, others bond through shared interests, humour or just working well together. I fall into the latter group.

Nothing “bad” happens if I share my weekend plans, I just don’t feel the need to. And people who know me well eventually get to see more. It just takes time.

So maybe print out a list of acceptable topics to you and hand it around, why does talking to people have to be so complicated