To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

Agree it comes off as playing silly games. Unless there is some massive drip feed coming that you actually work for MI6.

I mean. Your colleagues do not really give two hoots that you went to Starbucks on Saturday and watched Traitors on iplayer.

I'm obviously in a minority but would find this a perfectly acceptable answer. I used to be like this in the workplace too. Had my fingers burned when younger by opening up too much to colleagues who then felt they had carte blanche to ask intrusive nosy questions

Did something happen to you to explain this?
I mean, I am very private; no social media for ex. And I wouldn't tell everyone I had a cancer and I'm on antidepressants since forever. Nor that I believe that you are born a man/woman and that can't change due to biology-dna. That's private. But if I visited somewhere, that I have kids, love chocolate or whatever is just superficial information. It's not deep and not something someone can hold against you or hurt you with. So I really don't understand how you can find that being "private information". Unless you are doing a Markle- telling everyone you want privacy while doing everything to draw attention to yourself

I don’t have secretive weekends, I just prefer not to narrate my personal schedule or activities unless I know someone well. Some people are naturally open from day one, I’m just someone who warms up gradually. It doesn’t stop me having normal conversations, it just means I keep my private life private.

It's not evasive at all. My weekends aren't exciting. If someone asked me about mine, not often than not, a similar level of detail is all of have to offer.

A typical weekend conversation for me :

Them: what are you doing this weekend?
Me: nothing much planned. Might catch up with the family and grandkids if they're free

I fail to see how that's evasive. What more detail am I supposed to get into, to satisfy you?

The film you watched yesterday is not a personal detail.

What's the difference between sharing films you like that you watched 5 years ago and telling someone about the film you enjoyed watching yesterday?

There is no discernible logic to the distinctions you are drawing.

You're free to be evasive and standoffish but other people are free to find that unwelcoming and off-putting.

And you wonder why people think you are weird and standoffish.

As someone who cannot keep anything to myself, ever - I’m just here to take notes on how to stfu.

Tbh that sounds fine to me, i might be interested in have you seen X film or do you know any good places in Y location. But the truth is in a work capacity I dont care about your weekend if we arent friends, general oh yes Z is a great author I like their latest is plenty small talk and info for me

I’m not completely closed up, I just keep things fairly general. If someone asks about the weekend, I’ll say something like “had a quiet one” or “did a few errands” and that’s usually enough.

I just don’t go into the finer details unless I actually know the person well. Some people naturally share a lot early on, others don’t. I’m the latter.

I’m struggling to understand why you wouldn’t disclose what you saw yesterday if you’re happy to talk more generally about what you like. It’s (presumably) not some kind of state secret?

Up to you of course, but I’d find it a bit odd and off-putting.

Do you not do nuance?

There is a world of difference between narrating your entire personal schedule and always refusing to answer the question. For instance, you could say you watched a film but it wasn't your cup of tea.

I never ask if people have children or their relationship status. If they volunteer the information that's fine.

@Zempy I also don't ask people where they went to school, I'm in NI and it is unfortunately still a loaded question because education is so segregated according to Protestant/Roman Catholic faith.

The OP has mentioned quite a few topics they will talk about (albeit very generally). I'd be happy enough with that from a colleague/acquaintance.

Where did you get all this odd language about "personal diary entries" and "narrating your personal schedule" to refer to banal stuff like telling someone what you watched on TV yesterday?

Was it in a self-help book or Reddit sub or something?

Going on a holiday or doing something fun isn’t automatically private, I just share those things selectively. If I feel comfortable with someone, I’ll mention trips or nice weekends. If I don’t know someone well, I’ll keep it general like “I was away for a bit” or “had a nice weekend out.”

It’s not secrecy, it’s pacing. Someone people warm up quickly, I warm up slowly. That’s all.

I mean when someone asks a general question, I give a general answer and they follow up with more personal questions I don’t want to go into yet.

Most people take the hint and move on, a few don’t. That’s all I meant.

The more secretive and guarded you are the more people will push, becuase it looks like you have something to hide!. You are actually creating the very situation you want to avoid by acting wierd.

What you can do without giving away personal information is be light and slightly vague.
"How was your weekend?" - You: Great thanks, went for a lovely walk in X park.saw X movie/Visited some family

What are they asking that you feel uncomfortble about? How blunt are they really being? Most workmates are just trying to make conversation and find a connnection, not asking for your life story or details of your sex life! (iI they really are asking inappropriately intrusive questions tell them to stop being nosy buggers and make a joke of it). Surely you can come up with some answers that bridge the gap between what you feel comfortable sharing and appearing open and friendly.

If it annoys you that they keep pushing, consider changing the way you handle this because you probably cannot change them. They'll be happy with your responses, back off and you won't feel you've shared something private you didn't want to.

Each to their own but I really don’t think that answering ‘get up to anything nice at the weekend?’ with ‘Yes I went to see the second instalment of Wicked, I didn’t enjoy it as much as the first one’ is revealing the deepest intricacies of your private life.

I work with someone like you. They are really hard work as there is nothing to make connections with. They find themselves very isolated with other colleagues. All we know about the, is they have a partner and child. No other details about their life, their thoughts, their opinions, nothing.
Did you have a good weekend, colleague?
Yes thanks
Did you get up to anything?
Just had a quiet one.

This, literally every Monday. Sometimes they might mention the weather. Sometimes not. From a team point of view, it’s really hard to manage. How do you keep a team working well when one doesn’t communicate?

Not “all these people”, just enough occasions over the years to notice a pattern. Some people take a general answer and keep digging. Others don’t. That’s all I meant.

And giving that level of detail also has the advantage that nobody is going to ask a follow up question, whereas “I went to the cinema” is going to lead to “and what did you see?” - which is what OP appears to find intrusive if I’m reading her posts correctly.

Well you did ask op! Personally I think it all sounds a bit precious! You can share as much as or as little as you wish but the reality is that people aren’t really as interested as you think they are!

But by saying ‘I was away for a bit’ you’re soliciting the question ‘oh really, anywhere nice?’

I think a psychologist would say you’re actually seeking attention in the form of trying to be mysterious.

I’ve known a few people like this and usually they feel their ‘private life’ is a bit dull or inferior to others in some way, so presumably think alluding to things but never expanding would make them sound more interesting.

I’m not rigid, I just take time to open up. Some people share everything immediately, others warm up gradually. I’m perfectly friendly, I just don’t jump straight into detailed personal updates with people I barely know. Plenty of friendships grow at a slower pace.

I went to see the second installment of Wicked last weekend. I’m going to see the new Knives Out film this weekend.

This really isn’t a “detailed personal update” - I’m happy to share it with the entire Internet, which as a collective probably cares about as much as your colleagues.