To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

Just a quiet one - errands, rest, the usual. Nothing exciting to report.

What negative consequences might arise from disclosing that you went to B&M on Saturday afternoon?

I think this is a spoof!

Genuinely curious: So you say that you’ve “watched some things” (hypothetically) and your colleague replies – oh, anything interesting? Or what did you watch? (Which would feel a perfectly normal follow-up) – how would you reply?

In these examples it’s normal conversation for the person you’re speaking with to ask where you went or what you did on your weekend out.
Person A offers information. Person B shows an interest and asks a follow up question to keep the conversation going. Many people would consider it impolite to not ask a follow up question because it signals that Person B is not interested in being sociable with Person A. It’s not digging for information, it’s conversation etiquette.
Out of interest, how would you answer if someone asked the follow up question of, “Oh nice, where did you go?”

You sound like hard work, and gate keeping really boring shit like the film you watched or where you're going on holiday just makes you sound odd, not private

I'm an oversharer and completely get that not all people are like this at all. I tend to do it to put others at ease as I work with a lot of shy people, so they always manage to find something to relate to if I'm open.

It's coming across as a bit attention seeking saying you wouldn't share what film you watched last night but would say what films in general you like
Most people probably just find you annoying, so they'll eventually just give up trying to be nice and ask anything

I get why that works for some people but it’s just now how I connect. I’m friendly and open in other ways, I just don’t share day to day details unless it feels natural. It doesn’t stop me forming good relationships, I just do it differently.

I would find that controlling. It’d feel forced and like I had to somehow prove myself to you. I haven’t got time or inclination or bandwidth for that.

I understand that for many reasons people will be guarded about their innermost thoughts and fears - most obviously if for example you’re care experienced, or have suffered family or relationship abuse.

The thing is, most people give others quite a lot of latitude and can sense when there is something underlying reticence and being closed off. If it’s just your personal communication style then it probably wouldn’t be for me. Sounds like a lot of effort to “win” someone’s trust.

I do actually have several colleagues and one really close friend who don’t ever share emotional stuff, but we have no problem talking about books, films, parenting, cost of living challenges etc. I wouldn’t know where to go if I wasn’t allowed to talk about routine “what did you do” and also wasn’t allowed to launch straight into deeper stuff. They have all been pretty fine with moving straight to politics, philosophy, critiques of books and films and podcasts.

I’m curious @TheTaupeMoose.
Do you have good friends? Presumably they are people who were happy to persist in getting to know you? You do sound closed off and like getting to know you is an effort…I wonder if that impedes you in building deep connections?

It’s obviously no one else’s business and you’re free to do as you please but I find friendships and bonds are deepened through talking about personal details.

Exactly

It’s not that the name of a film is private, it’s that I don’t feel the need to volunteer personal day to day details unless I want to. Some people are naturally open quickly, I just take longer to warm up. It’s a comfort thing, not a secrecy thing.

This is getting really circular now.

Still struggling to imagine what kind of questions these could be, if you’re someone that’s happy to talk about that kind of films you like, what kind of books you like, where you like to travel, etc 🤔

This is what I would like to know. As surely that would be awkward to navigate?

I posted because I was curious whether others experience similar reactions, not because I’m unsure of my own boundaries. I’m not pushing back, I’m just explaining my perspective when people ask follow-up questions.

Being private isn’t the same as being confused about my approach. I just wanted to hear how others navigate it.

Luckily I seem to be surrounded by people who are happy to volunteer deeply personal information such as the film they watched at the weekend, and which supermarket they think is best.

Obviously I have my own opinion on whether preferring Barbie to Oppenheimer makes them a shallow dullard, or whether favouring ASDA makes them a basic cheapskate, but it’s not my place to judge such earth shattering revelations. Just to be thankful they entrusted me with them.

well then, that’s fine - just crack on. Everyone’s different.

If you find yourself missing social connections or isolated or feeling upset and excluded, then revisit the responses here, otherwise, there is no issue: different strokes and all that.

can you elaborate ?!?!

I posted because I was curious whether others experience similar reactions

Well from reading the thread, I don’t think many people are as secretive private as you, sooooo no sorry we can’t relate with similar reactions.

I’m not paranoid, I just have different boundaries from you. Small talk is fine, I just keep mine light. People vary in how much they share and that’s really all I’m saying.

Op, you don’t need ‘boundaries’ because any average person would say the questions being asked of you are very much not the type which suggest these people are desperately trying to pry.

You’re insulating yourself against interest that is barely even there.

What I'm finding funny is that as someone who is also quite slow to open up, I've always liked those kinds of easy conversations - what movie did you see? What did you think? Both because I generally find other people interesting and because they're a way to form connections without crossing too many boundaries too fast. With one person it turns out, you have an interesting conversation about the movie and that turns into another conversation and eventually you become close friends. Isn't that how it works?

Oh god I’m sorry - you are being sarcastic 🤣. It is late and I had a really busy week and also did not RTFT. Apologies.

I think it’s fine. I’d probably be quite pleased not to have a coworker going on and on about their triathlon training or some such nonsense.