To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

I am having this issue at work. I don’t mind sharing about my weekend for example, like I had a nice walk and ate a local restaurant but I don’t want to talk about my family, childhood or money. Especially when everyone at work talks about each other and repeats everything everyone says!

Some people are naturally oversharers, some people are more reserved, you @TheTaupeMoose can only be described as obtuse!
I definitely sit in the reserved camp and have been described as quiet and ‘standoffish’ by others because I don’t immediately trauma dump on someone 10 seconds after meeting them but even I wouldn’t consider telling someone I’d seen a certain movie over the weekend during banal Monday morning pleasantries to be sharing private information…

At work, I used to not share personal stories like my colleagues, because my background was different to theirs and I was a bit embarrassed and didn’t want to stand out for not having had experiences similar to theirs.

Then when I stopped working for a bit (to look after dc) I didn’t talk much about myself either as the phase I was going through didn’t feel like the real me - I felt in a ‘limbo’ for a while.
I kept telling myself that people will get the wrong impression of me if I told them more about myself, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I was listening to a podcast recently and they talked about wanting to ‘locate’ a person. The importance of knowing who is the person in front of you, what do they like, what is their identity,… and that made sense. We make connections with people who are open and honest about who they are.
So I think I did suffer by only revealing little bits of the whole me. Being a good listener is important but you also need to show people yourself before they can decide to hang around for longer.
How else are you going to meet ‘your people’?

I don’t see it as deep or traumatic, I just have a different comfort level to you. Some people like sharing personal details straight away, others prefer a slower pace. It’s not about being hurt in the past or avoiding conversation, it’s simply how I navigate new environments. Light small talk is fine but I don’t feel the need to give out a full biography to connect with people.

They sound a bundle of laughs not.

I'm a very private person. I'll happily talk (and listen) about what happened at the weekend but nobody really knows about my relationships or my emotional breakdowns or my biggest fears. It does make it hard to have deep friendships.

Different people have different comfort levels - what feels trivial to you might feel personal to someone else and vice versa. I’m not asking anyone to adapt to my approach, just explaining my own. I’m friendly and sociable in plenty of other ways, I just don’t share personal routines or day to day details unless I want to. That’s not evasive to me, it’s just a boundary.

If you’re happy with your boundary why are you on here wanting to talk about it?

It’s just a preference, not a secrecy thing. Some people chat about their day to day easily, others prefer to stick to broader topics unless they know someone better. There’s no big reason behind it, it’s just how I’m comfortable socialising. I don’t mind if others find that unusual but it works for me.

OP, you seem to be equating supeficial small talk with 'providing a full autobiography'. Most people wouldn't consider sharing what you got up to on the weekend or where you went on holiday to be personal information - these details are conversation openers.

Responding that you carried out some errands or had a relaxing weekend brings the coversation to a dead end and would give me the impression that you are standoffish and have no interest in engaging, whilst sharing that you went on a trip to Florence last week provides material for the coversation to develop 'oh, we went last year, did you visit the Uffizi gallery?' etc.

I would consider this kind of conversation to be much less personal than sharing your opinions on world events/politics etc.

So if someone asks after your weekend, and you say you went to the cinema, and they say “ooh, what did you watch?” - how would you reply?

Do you have many friends OP? A partner perhaps? How did you develop those relationships when you don’t disclose anything in the early days?

Well, yeah, I think this will affect social interactions with most people, who either:

-use chat about plans, family etc as a shorthand pleasantry. If you don’t engage then they will decide you … don’t want to engage. That would primarily affect relationships with acquaintances.

-use chat about plans, family etc as a springboard into more deep and meaningful and intimate stuff. Friendships need reciprocity, you have to share stuff to foster intimacy, reciprocity and trust. If you don’t trust others but they share, then they might conclude you think they are untrustworthy or not someone who wants to be close to them. If you keep yourself at a distance, well then you will always be kept at a distance.

Given the replies you're getting, do you not think you're being slightly unreasonable?

I think the types of things you won't discuss is drawing attention to yourself and you're making being a private person into a song and dance. I'd argue that discussing books, films, places you'd like to travel etc are all far more personal than saying you went shopping and for lunch with a friend at the weekend. Those are things that give insight into your personality and views whereas weekend plans and what you're having for dinner that night are very superficial.

Nuance is exactly what I’m talking about. I do answer politely, I just keep it general. Saying “I had a quiet weekend” or “watched a couple of things” is an answer. It just isn’t a full play by play, which is fine. Not everyone shares at the same pace.

We have someone in the office like this, Ive worked with them every day for the last 6 years and I don’t know anything about them - couldn’t tell you if they were married/have kids/pets etc etc- nobody in the office has any clue about them, they don’t have any friends at work for this very reason as it’s hard to strike up a conversation and keep it going, it’s awkward. It’s ok to be how you want to be, it’s also ok for them to find it weird.

No book, it’s just how I describe the difference between general conversation and going into personal detail. Most people understand the distinction without issue.

I dunno. I work with a girl who is ferociously private. As is her right. We got on really well, or so I thought. Then she had a baby. My colleague (who she is also friendly with) and I wanted to pop round with a gift and she refused to allow it. Didn’t want to mix work and home, apparently.

Might be her choice, but I’m also entitled to find that pretty fucking rude, to be honest. I’m taking a massive step back.

I think this thread proves your ‘definition’ is baffling.

What did you get up to at the weekend then, OP?

I don’t think I’m creating anything - I’m polite and I do give light, surface-level answers. What I find tiring isn’t normal small talk but when people keep pushing after I’ve already answered in a friendly way. Most colleagues take the hint, a few don’t. That’s really all I meant.

I think there’s a difference between being completely closed off and simply keeping small talk light. I do communicate well at work, about work. I get on with people, contribute and collaborate. I just don’t go into personal details unless I know someone well. That doesn’t stop a team functioning, it just means my weekend recap isn’t a storyline.

I think that’s slightly over the top to be honest. You can do whatever you want but I’m not surprised people find it odd.

I can totally understand not wanting to talk about the state of your marriage. But chit chat about weekend plans are not in the slightest way intimate, revealing or compromising.

Some social give or take is part of the nature of being in any kind of community (which work is). If you insist on having a total boundary between your public persona and your personal life you are signaling to people that you don’t trust them.

I think I would find that a bit ridiculous.

If it works for you, that is fine. But I too wonder why you have posted asking if it’s unusual.

If you’ve had kick back and you don’t like it, that might suggest you need to adapt your comms style.

If you sense it’s unusual but you don’t care, then absolutely carry on.

When I hear “boundaries”, I normally think of stuff like, not sharing sexual stuff, not being always available, giving only what you can afford to give emotionally without hurting yourself, not wanting non-reciprocal relationships, etc etc etc.

Personally I would find it unusual to receive deflections to banal questions about what you’d been up to at the weekend. I’d probably think you had some troubling secret or some awful home life situation that wasn’t suitable for casual chit chat or that you wanted to forget about. Alternatively that you came from a culture where this sort of talk was not the norm - they exist. Finnish people do not go in for this sort of exchange in my experience of living with a Finn for several years and socialising with their extended family.

I think she had a quiet one 🤔