To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

Get over yourself

I’m totally with you OP. I find it really odd that people want to know these things and would rather make something up than tell them anything. Monday morning are the worse when people ask what have you done at the weekend.
I don’t ask that from others either. It’s just a preference I think and up to you but it’s not odd to not want to share. People shouldn’t be so nosy.

And reading some of the brutal comments on here is why I don’t share either!

I find this quite mean to be honest. As someone who finds small talk really hard (I get anxious about saying the wrong thing, actively try to come up with topics/openers, and psyche myself up to speak), my heart sinks when I encounter someone who doesn't give a tiny hook for the conversation to hang off. The message is that I'm not worthy of conversation, and you'll take awkward over any type of minor connection.

I currently work with someone who gives the types of answers you describe, and it's so exhausting to try to find suitable conversation they'll interact with week after week. What am I supposed to say next when someone gives you the vaguest answer? You either ask a follow-up question to try to find something to chat about, or you chat about yourself. I am not comfortable with either of those options, so what often follows is an awkward silence. Obviously, when you encounter people who try the follow up question route, you perceive them negatively. But they're probably just trying to avoid awkward silence.

I work in the same office as this person - I don't need to be friends, I just want to be comfortable to be in the kitchen at the same time knowing we can have a little chat about movies, music, hiking, local events or other small topics for 5 mins tree times a week.

I actually don't care about knowing anything over than the superficial about them - we're never going to be friends - I just don't want to feel awkward in their presence.

I think you are suffering a bit from main character thinking here. Most people are like me and just trying to keep a surface connection going.

If you don't want to give anything at all away, then I think it's on you to carry the conversation in another direction. Have your safe topics ready so you can jump in to to fill the void and avoid the follow-ups you don't want.

People love talking about theirselves! It’s pretty easy to deflect a conversation back to someone who is asking the questions and have them leave you alone.

But equally it is difficult not ever quite getting to know someone if you have to engage in trust for any number of reasons.

I don’t really care what your favourite sandwich is or what you did on your holiday to Tenerife, but I would quite like to gauge if you’re a nutter or I can trust you in whatever capacity it is I happen to be having to even converse with you over in the first place.

I think you are suffering a bit from main character thinking here.

Honestly, OP sounds like a minor celeb treating her colleagues like paparazzi fishing for tidbits about her oh so interesting private life!

Most people's lives aren't that interesting to anybody else. Most people forget what you told them while waiting for the kettle to boil in the breakout room five minutes later. Or even less, if they've got distracted by their phone soon after!

Nor should you feel obliged to do so. In the workplace, keep it light, discuss what books your reading, what you’re watching TV/Netflix, the difficulty in finding reliable tradesmen, where you would like to go on holiday etc etc etc.
I had one too many nosey busybodies in the workplace who would ask intrusive questions which I refused to answer and would give them a hard stare before walking away.

These were people who would share (with anyone prepared to listen) every detail of their divorce, their finances and likes and dislikes if everyone they ever worked with.
Be pleasant, friendly but keep your personal information to yourself.

I’ve made it a habit to be as bland as possible at work. If people want to know about my life, I stick to the boring stuff. Married, no of kids/ages, etc, but nothing specific about them. Most people are very easily deflected when you ask them questions about themselves and only too happy to turn the conversation back to that instead.

I'm very private too. I'm not interested in other people's business (beyond shared interests), and don't expect them to be interested in mine. I also dislike when people volunteer too much information. I don't actually care.

And if they say ‘oooh where did you go?’ Do you reply or just keep it vague?

I wouldn’t actually pick up on you being private or evasive unless I suppose your answers to such questions would be ‘I’d prefer not to say’ then I’d think it was odd.

Do you ask questions back? In which case it’s sounding relatively normal to me!

Yanbu. I had a boss who called me aloof. 😁

He was American and felt the need to tell us his entire home life, down to his aunt Edna's ingrowing toenail.

The office wasn't lacking noise. There was no need for me to share anything.

He was awful. Terribly nosy.

Wow. I'm finding this thread enlightening.

I'm very like you, OP (though I loosened up somewhat when I had children). What I'm finding astonishing about this thread is how offended most posters seem to be at someone not sharing unimportant stuff. Some people seem genuinely angry at your fairly classic introversion.

It had never occurred to me that my quietness might offend people. I've always had really good relationships with my colleagues, even if I didn't share a lot about my life. But I've always shown an interest in them.

And then the accusation of you deliberately acting mysteriously for attention! It's the bloody opposite for most of us like you. We don't want the attention and interest!

I honestly thought that introversion and extroversion was well understood these days, but apparently not.

Introversion is not staying tight lipped about what film you saw on the weekend. Plenty of introverts are quite happy to give and take conversationally because that’s how human relationships are formed.

Introversion is a hard wired preference for recharging in solitude and your own inner world. Introversion is not shyness or a fear of interacting with others as the OP clearly has. The vast majority of my colleagues would consider themselves introverts (as do I); it doesn’t make them socially awkward.

She won't divulge what films she likes not her fave restaurants either because it's too...personal.

This has got nothing to do with introversion. This is a bizarre fastidiousness about appearing to be human.

The OP for some reason wants to project this perfect professional sheen without any hint of being a person with human relationships or needs. It honestly comes across as being either quite neurotic or very self absorbed.

I really wish people would stop attributing all odd of antisocial behaviour to “being an introvert”. Introverts aren’t misanthropes or “people who don’t like people”. They’re just people who need alone time to charge their social batteries.

I’m the same OP. I very rarely divulge details about my personal life to anyone. My DH thinks it’s weird because he just spouts off to anyone and everyone but I just think it’s more professional to talk about work related things than your private life.

That's actually rude. So you say "what did you do at the weekend?" and they give you an answer along the lines of "took the kids ice-skating then had my mother over for Sunday lunch. What about you?" - do you just say "oh, not much really" and then head down, get busy with work? I'd think you were prying and odd. And next time I'd give back what I'd got. I would not consider you part of a workplace team at all.

You sound like hard work!

This. It immediately shuts the other person down. It says: “I am not going there with you. Back off.”

Theres a place for this. If someone asks you a genuinely prying question such as “Do you and your husband get on well?” that response would be entirely reasonable.

But if the question is: “What did you do at the weekend?” and you purse your lips and say something icily bland, people are going to find this a bit hostile.

It isn’t even really about what you did at the weekend. No one actually cares. Its about the ability to respond with a smile and a bit of courtesy and show openness and respect.

I don't 'not like people' either. But not being very chatty and liking my privacy is definitely part of my own introverted personality.

As I said in my earlier post, having children definitely loosened up that side of me, because people showing interest in my babies is something that I really appreciated, and I began to recognise that I should be showing interest in people too, because it's a nice thing to do and it makes them feel good. Somehow I'd missed that memo for thirty years.

@saraclara I can understand this: I am definitely not an oversharer and I have pretty hard lines about not discussing personal subjects with people I don’t know well or trust. That’s completely reasonable.

But the OP’s behaviour seems to be deliberately cold and unwelcoming; a signal that basic social courtesy is somehow inappropriate and off limits. She’s well within her rights to do this but she shouldn’t be surprised that other people feel belittled and shut down.

It seems to me that you're the one who doesn't understand introversion - because it has absolutely nothing to do with how much information you share with others. It also has very little to do with being quiet. You can be a sociable, chatty introvert just like you can be a quiet extrovert.

Being naturally quiet and introverted is not the same as being rude and closed off.

But your first paragraph is what the OP is complaining about.apparent it's " too personal" to say what film they watched at the weekend

To be honest 'got any plans for the weekend' on a Friday followed by 'what did you get up to at the weekend' on a Monday, from multiple people, every week for eternity is pretty boring anyway.

Endless small talk being uncomfortable and/or draining is a feature of introversion.