To not talk about my personal life, even if people think I’m cold or secretive?

[TheTaupeMoose]

I’m a cautious person by nature. I don’t overshare and I rarely talk about my personal life, especially in new environments. It’s not because I’m hiding anything or being rude, I just like to keep certain things private until (or unless) I really trust someone.

But I’ve noticed people get weird about it. They’ll push for details, joke that I’m “mysterious” or “guarded” or even act like I’m being standoffish. Some will open up to me and seem annoyed that I don’t do the same in return.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to talk about my personal life just to make others comfortable? Being cautious isn’t a crime.

I find it helps bond if you can share and privide some context, as someone said above, it helps to 'locate' people and helps build a picture.

Obviously people may have a reason for being secretive, but if you don't, why not just open up a bit? You don't have to share everything, but why not a few bits...went into town to do some shopping, met a friend for a coffee, went for a walk along the river? Might lead to a more personal connection?

I’m not sure how to say get over yourself without being mean about it…but honestly? People are not that interested in what you had for your tea on Saturday night. It’s just small talk. You’re not that interesting.

Can you actually explain why you find the name of a film you watched a ‘private detail’?

I agree that openness helps people ‘locate’ you. For me it’s not about hiding who I am, just pacing how much I share until I know someone a bit better. I do let people get to know me over time, I just don’t front-load personal details in new environments. Everyone has their own rhythm with connection and mine is gradual rather than instant.

i agree with @IntrinsicWorthboundaries at work, for me, are not talking about politics, personal relationships etc to been secretive about my weekend activities.
So why have you posted? You seen to understand you are different and are pushing back hard at the poster pointing out the issues whilst simultaneously asking if you’re unreasonable.

How do you make friends OP? When I think about friends I’ve made, it often involves connecting on personal stuff. I can’t imagine making friendships just based on what films we like and what our fave restaurants are.

You sound paranoid.
are you okay?

I work in a job where you rarely work with the same person twice, so small talk is essential to pass the time otherwise the shifts can be very long and very boring. I don’t actually care about their lives, and forget nearly everything I’m told once I finish my shift.
People really don’t care about you as much as you think they do.

You’ve posted this about 6 times now but have failed to say why the name of a film is a personal detail? Not one ‘example detail’ you’ve given is remotely personal, titillating, or even interesting. You’ve given a list of bland minor facts and repeatedly described them as examples of ‘private matters’.

Because having a boundary doesn’t mean I can’t discuss the reactions people have to it. I’m comfortable with how I am. I was asking whether others experience similar dynamics, not asking for permission to have boundaries.

What would I think?

I would feel uncomfortable.
I'm quite an open person and very used to chatting about anything and everything with people I meet... I find that quite fun. Sometimes even therapeutic.
If I was chatting about a TV program or what i had done, or what I thought about something and was getting nothing back I would assume that person didn't like me much. If someone doesn't like me, then I would be quite wary and uncomfortable around them.

I absolutely understand someone not sharing their life history, love life, sexuality etc...but some of the things you have mentioned are just part of every day conversation with colleagues (I tend to consider some of my colleagues friends too)

That's what I would think.

For what it’s worth I’m sure very few people honestly want to cross your boundaries. If any.

What do you expect them to do with the a. riveting and b. deeply personal information that you went to Home Bargains on Saturday, popped over your Mum’s on Saturday afternoon, did a yoga class on Sunday morning and had a coffee with a friend on Sunday afternoon?

It’s not so much a boundary as trying to be quite controlling, to be honest.

To be fair, though, I am genuinely not being standoffish if I say that I ran errands and relaxed at the weekend. That will be what I did. If I do anything more interesting, I will say so, but I rarely do.

It's not a conversation stopper, since I usually end with, 'you?', then they'll tell me what they did, which might have more discussion points.

I'd hate to think people thought I was stand-offish. I just don't do a lot every weekend that's interesting.

Smart move, never change.

Everytime I’ve chosen to be open, it has massively backfired. I have no idea why I keep walking into the same trap

I think you're ok OP. I don't see why it's a big deal. If you said you watched a film at the weekend and I asked what it was or if it was any good, and you deflected or didn't want to answer, I'd probably be a bit non-plussed but wouldn't think much more of it after that. I work with a wide range of people from over-sharers to people I don't know a single thing about. Its fine either way.

I’ve never struggled to form friendships or relationships, I just get to know people gradually. Not everyone bonds through early self-disclosure, some people ease in through shared interests or humour first. Once I trust someone, I open up naturally.

So if someone asked what you did at the weekend would your answer be something like "went out for dinner"? And if they followed up with, "ooh, somewhere nice, where did you go?" How would you avoid answering that?

edited as the OP has answered below.

My best friend was like this and it took years for him to open up as he is intensely private and introverted. It has taken 15 years of us being friends for him to talk about his love life for example and because I love him for who he is as my friend, I had to respect his boundaries but I did feel perplexed and a bit offended. However we all have boundaries about different things and appreciate them being respected.

It isn't unreasonable I think it's just a personality trait. I'm like that, I'd even say I'm somewhat secretive by nature even though I have nothing especially to hide, I'm just very private and sharing personal info is on a need to know basis. I know some people do find me a bit enigmatic but for the most part I find people just love to talk about themselves and so I just listen and ask questions and reflect back. It isn't an act, I am interested in them but it has the side benefit of taking the focus off me.

I once worked with a woman who did not share what she regarded as private information. If you asked if she did anything special that weekend she would reply "Just family stuff" in a tone that made it clear she did not want any more questions. She was not rude, just very closed off. Yet if you asked her anything about the job she was ready to help and share information about how tasks were done. Looking back I realise that she regarded work as somewhre she went to earn a living but not to make friends. She was proud of her ability to do the job and ready to help others in a professional way. But not by oversharing details of her domestic life and how she spent it. People accepted that that was just the way R was and learned not to pry. If you were working a shift with R much more work got done because there was a lot less social chat.

People like to put others in boxes and sometimes reject anyone who was not obviously in "their" box. This happened to me when I worked in a call center, Most of the women were around my age, mums with kids. When they found out I was doing a higher degree at the uni they sort of shut me out. (Why would you want to do something like that at your age?) Some even sat in a group planning a night out to which I was clearly not invited. Im sure they thought I was stuck up because I spoke in a completely different accent. However it was only a vacation job that lasted until the uni opened again in september. I had other fish to fry.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, it’s just a different comfort level. Most people have areas they’re open about and areas they keep light, and mine just happen to be day to day routines. It’s not a “song and dance”, it’s simply a boundary that feels normal for me.

I take time to open up too, but I'm still capable of saying, we went to park run and later tried the new Italian restaurant on Saturday and took the kids swimming and to Santa's grotto on Sunday and then it was the usual Sunday evening chaos. What about you?

I don't consider that opening up. It's just normal, human basic small talk conversation,

I’m never quite sure what people mean when they say they are guarded until they know they can trust someone.

What do people need to trust each other about in the context of general work chit-chat?

I wouldn’t ever push anyone for personal chat if they clearly didn’t want it, of course. But I’ve met a couple of people who always made a real point about keeping their work and personal life separate, and they did come across as paranoid and/or uptight.

I always wonder if the people who guard their privacy quite fiercely are the same people who complain of struggling with friendships and feeling excluded at the school gate.

This is unnecessarily mean. People are allowed to be different and being horrid to them says more about you that you’d like to acknowledge, I bet!

OP, I think your feelings are unusual and (as you can see from this thread) most people will struggle to understand. It isn’t wrong, of course, and if you’re happy with your relationships then don’t worry about it.