to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

[TweedleTarmac]

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

Haven't you read all the MN posts about the unreasonable relatives who buy presents which aren't on the approved list?

Just give an idea. They want to avoid giving your child stuff that you hate.

Alternatively, accept the surprise plastic crap or drum kit with good grace

This annoys too because my middle son doesn't know himself what to get.
My stepsons stepkids however, we don't see them as they live 100s of miles away so I share with their mum what we are thinking of buying to check it's ok

You need to get over yourself this is a pretty normal thing ime ,do you video call other people's children etc?

Even if they did that the child could end up with a duplicate or they could buy something you don’t want your child to have, some parents won’t let their children have toy guns for instance.

I ask this in my family because we know it changes so often. I think you’re being a bit precious about someone who just wants to get your children something they’ll enjoy.

Ask for books that can be donated to a charity shop after reading. Just be grateful someone cares enough to buy your kids something. I have relatives who never bothered.

Your method has lots of potential problems too. Your child could tell multiple relatives that he wants a specific Lego set and end up with duplicates that you’d have to return.
Asking for specifics reducing the risk of duplicates which helps not over consuming. Have you considered asking for experiences like cinema tickets instead?

I have a list of ideas on my notes app that I keep updated. My friends and family know my DC well but they don’t always know what they already have and their interests can change quickly. My SIL is the only person who never checks and always does her own thing- great - except a couple of times she’s bought stuff that dc already have and need to be returned. Waste of everyone’s time.

Yes you should be grateful, and gracious about it too.

It's to avoid duplication, disappointment, the fact they might have gone off something they loved a few weeks ago. I have no idea if my little niece still loves Bluey as much as she did, so I'm going neutral and buying her a pink jewellery box for her upcoming 6th birthday.

Absolutely this.

Have you also considered that other people have heavy mental loads too and dont have time to be faffing around video calling children,
It's much easier to ask the parent/s what does Jim and Bob want for Xmas.

One day it will all stop.

I always get my sister to tell me what to get my nieces just incase she’s already getting them something that they have mentioned they want. I will get them little surprise gifts throughout the year occasionally where I choose something myself based on what I know they enjoy such as a book or their favourite chocolate etc. I think you are being precious and I would just be grateful people want to spend money on my kids during these tough Financial times regardless of if I had to tell them what to buy or not

I get this as I have children and it does add to the mental load but at the same time you are being ridiculous and the fact you can’t easily come up with any ideas makes your kids sound like spoiled brats who have already had everything brought for them they could possibly want tbh. Coming up with present ideas for grown up kids, partners etc is a different matter entirely.
I’ve got grandchildren, god children, nieces and nephews (as well as young children still) and yes in an ideal world we’d all meet up regularly but most of us are time and money poor and we don’t live around the corner from each other. it sounds incredibly selfish and entitled to get annoyed at someone who is going to the effort to try and show your child a token of their love with the time and effort spent choosing (including messaging you to try and find what they’d best like) and buying a gift with their hard earned money. We didn’t get chance to spend much time with our grandparents who lived abroad but the toys they sent were very much appreciated by us children

I’m with you, OP. I understand why they’re asking, why it’s helpful or better all round but I get irritated by this every year too. There’s already so much to do at Christmas, why do I have to do another adult’s thinking for them??

It would be an improvement if they could at least come up with their own ideas that we could say yes/no/different colour etc.

Well my DD would say a cat or KPop Demon Hunters (cue confused GP looks).

I never minded being asked. What used to really annoy me was my DP's & IL's expecting me to find the best item, price, buy it, have it delivered and then slip it to them to wrap and take the kudos. Although the one time I didn't do it, just said don't buy X as I've already bought it, MIL went out and bought it. Then gave it to DD first.

Now I just say money, they don't need anything.

My mum used to see my daughter at least twice every week when she was small and they were really close. But she still always asked me what she should buy my daughter for Christmas and birthday presents, which I really appreciated. It saved her getting duplicate presents or things that she didn’t really want. There were also many times when I was able to buy my Mum’s presents for her when I knew my daughter wanted something very specific which was not particularly easy to find. The presents that my daughter hated and never played with were the things that my mother in law bought without asking us - I still remember my daughter’s horror when my mother in law turned up with a huge baby doll one Christmas.

Not this one again. Just be grateful that you have relatives who want to buy for your children and want ensure they get something they want and not be cluttering up your house with tat.

I know my grandchildren very well. I regularly have one of them overnight, and see the others several times a week.

I still ask their parents what they would like me to get them for Christmas. This is partly so there are no duplicate gifts, but also because, for instance, one of them does a sport which requires very specific equipment and I’d have no idea which bits of equipment need replacing. I know what to get in terms of smaller things, or things they need at my house, but I always ask general advice about the bigger items.

My niece and nephew, I have no idea what to get, and I do ask their mum (my sister), just as she always asked me what my children wanted when they were young. Neither of us finds it an inconvenience or annoyance.

I always ask what my nieces and nephews want or offer a cash alternative. I have neither the time nor inclination to visit all the young children in my family and would rather gift them something they either want or need. Equally I have always been happy for family to ask me what my girls would like. I do have family members that guess and I can pretty much guarantee these gifts will end up being donated. Takes two seconds to say James likes anything Bluey and Ella loves to play dress up. My kids are older now I wouldn’t have a clue what young children are playing with or reading now

Most of my relatives never bothered, including aunts and uncles, so that's something to consider.
I do agree with the over consumption thing. Why don't you ask for money for savings and a secondhand book. Children can never have too many books!

You don’t have to be specific. Just say what they’re into-dinausaurs/duplo/books/board games.
It takes no time at all.

Exactly, as a parent we have received a lot of gifts that a just awful, please do not buy my child some plastic monstrosity from B&M, bead set or slime, I’d much rather they received some nice quality smaller wooden toy or something to add to a collection they already have. I certainly don’t want to be spending the little money we have on something that won’t be appreciated either

I'd rather they asked then get duplicates, not appropriate or just not wanted toys.

I keep a running amazon list for each DC throughout the year - stops the increased mental load at Christmas and birthdays. As and when my DC ask for something, it gets added then a few weeks before christmas or birthdays we sit and filter the lists to what they actually want. 100% has saved time and effort in the long run.

My parents ask me what to get my DC. They spend alot of time with them and know them well and ask my DC directly but always prefer the seal of approval from me. I don't mind. I'd rather something they want or need that tat or something they dont even like.