to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

[TweedleTarmac]

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

Just tell everyone gift vouchers or money. Its easier. You also can then take stock of whats actually needed and wanted and have fun going to the toy shop or searching online together in the new year. Reduces the christmas madness and waste too.
I just say, they have enough stuff, dont even want anything particular but would love a voucher or some money so they can pick something themselves.

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort,
Yes
You should
They don't need specifics just an idea

Because my kids love to see them and ask to visit, and I wanted them to foster a relationship. I assume they like us meeting them out for lunch, visiting them etc or they would have made excuses.

So you think the young family should trek a few hours to visit rather than the retired people with no hobbies and plenty of cash should not drive to see us?

Sorry but that’s a bit precious. They’re only asking. Maybe say, please don’t feel obliged we don’t see you often, no expectation of a gift.

My son doesn't want material stuff.

I don't know why they bother tbh.

Well I usually ask because I don't want to duplicate stuff.

We are very short on money but I don’t derive meaning from material goods. Presence not presents please

As a family member without kids we literally cannot win.

I posted on here about buying without guidance from parents I was chastised for not asking, I should have asked and made sure the parents would be happy etc etc.

But now it adds to your “mental load”? Surely you have a list of what your child would like and you can just pick an item from that for family members who are asking?

Even worse!! I actually end up wrapping them for my parents and sneaking the gifts to them on arrival. Why? Because I want my children to think they care about them 😞

And they are your parents and aunts and uncles, so you engage meaningfully with them, when did the relationships break down?

Are you telling me none of your relatives visit? Or ever call? Only twice a year? Seems odd they’re all the same.

See, I prefer it.

My father when he was alive, always just asked me to send him Amazon links of what to get them.

We do the same for in Laws. They like to spend around £80 per child, so I find things on Amazon they would like to that amount and send them the links to order.

They a know what my children like. But it stops duplicate presents, or them having to ask if they have that already. Also stops them wasting their money on something if they have already had it before.

It means that they can get my children something they really want and have the joy of seeing them being so happy when they receive it.

I have a couple of close friends and I always asked them specifically what their child would like for birthdays for the same reason, I want to get them something that I know they actually want.

Heavy mental load. LOL

Exactly this!

Damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

Thwn just say "no presents, thank you"

This is such a non iaaue.

Given that the OP has several children it must make it harder for the relatives not to duplicate somerhing one of them already has.

Also, o couldn’t buy my children everything they would like, so it’s hardly a great burden that takes up time just sending a link from Amazon to my mother in law.

I must be doing something very wrong if I’m not busy enough in life to go on Amazon and press a button.

I make a wish list on Amazon for my kids throughout the year of things they like, want or need and just send the link to it if anyone asks.

I feel you here @TweedleTarmac. My MIL is notorious for it, it's can you send me a link? Or her currently favorite, she buys the linked toy then also buys a load of shyte off Temu to add to it. Last year DH binned the Temu stuff in front of her and listed the reason why it was going in the bin. This was after he told her not to buy toys off Temu after DDs birthday the year before. This year I went to Smyths and bought what DDs would like for Xmas (one toy per relative on her side) and she gave me the money and I handed it to her to wrap. For one of the Great Grandparents I've asked they send the money over and I've bought DDs an annual pass for a local attraction (on their black Friday discount deal).

I'm sure she'll love it, but my immediate thought was that that's not neutral - it's pandering to the "girl=pink" stereotype. I don't mean that aggressively, but I do wish little girls weren't conditioned to love pink all the time.

Exactly. I’ve gone for the approach of just buying and if the parents don’t like it they can list it on vinted

I love it when people ask for suggestions. My kids get things they like without the risk of duplicates, it helps out my relative, helps me out as I don't have to buy all the crap mu kids are asking about.

Jim and Bob? They're in their 60s aren't they? 😄

I can't begin to imagine why you might be irritated.
It is kind of them to want to give a gift and thoughtful of them to try and make sure it is appropriate. I think you are being a bit crabby tbh!

Why not tell them to not bother? If you are not fussed by material goods why are you accepting gifts from people you detest?

@TweedleTarmac I completely agree with you on this. 100%. My kids don’t want much really, and every one of their relatives except my SIL asks me for ideas or a list and I’m already struggling with ideas for myself and Santa to give them.

i wish I could get away with asking for vouchers, but that’s not what they want. It adds to the stress because I put a lot of thought into other people’s gifts, but they seem to want a quick click on Amazon. Even if I say to just get the kids a book they will want an exact book. It does my head in every year. They can’t even remember who got them what because it’s so anonymous. (I write it down for thank yous)

I know it’s first world problems, but I completely agree with the OP.

@TweedleTarmac Everyone’s different aren’t they. I would love my family to ask me. I’ve a clear idea of what my child likes, what he needs developmentally, where our current toy gaps are and what will actually fit in our toy cupboard/house!! But they prefer to get a surprise. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Actually to be honest, I can’t even be confident they’re going to get him anything this year as my family is notoriously flaky with presents.