to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

[TweedleTarmac]

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

I’m all for checking with parents, that’s very thoughtful.

Would DC like XYZ? is lovely. But being prompted to search online and send links to Amazon is tedious and meaningless

Other people have a mental load to deal with without calling someone else's kids.
And lets be honest: no one really cares about your kids except for you.

This is the issue. Thank you so much @Wildchild60s

I would not do this, ever. If people ask for a specific link tell them they have everything they need so a voucher would be best. Your dc will love going and choosing something.

Retired not poor people can still lead busy lives!

You have several babies and young kids? I’d want a list as well!

Don’t bother then, let them buy consumer led, plastic tat. Something you’re against and I’d guess they’re trying to stick to that requirement.

Let them loose in Claire’s, Argos and Amazon,

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

My MiL used to do this when my girls were younger.

Badger me from about September about what they wanted for Christmas. I’d give her some ideas at a range of prices that fitted with hobbies and interests that I thought they’d like. She didn’t want to buy any of that though, so I’d give her more ideas.

Didn’t want to buy any of that either. Wanted to buy (for example) a coat. I’d be like, well, it’s December, they have coats, but a nice going out coat would be good. Nope, wanted to buy a coat they could wear for school. Then sulk, whinge, have a strop and decide they were spoilt because they already had coats they could wear for school (in December) and would then go and buy them make up or frilly dresses or something that they both hated.

On repeat, every fucking Christmas and birthday until they were about 18.

They're adults now so she contacts them direct but it would drive me utterly insane.

The present issue really was just the final straw in a relationship that already wasn’t great, she wasn’t really interested in them or their lives. DH was the family scapegoat, and by extension, our kids were too.

You are so right with this. The attitude many posters have towards grandparents is shocking at times, and very sad.

They are not ‘someone else’s kids’, they are their grandchildren/great nieces and nephews

Engage meaningfully or don’t engage at all. Not some weird absence + twice yearly material engagement but that I have to plan for you

Why the hell were you dragging young babies to them if it was such a hassle?? Was it genuinely all one way as if they really were not interested I’m sure they would have said they were out etc. I think people forget the effort involved in hosting a family with young children, even if it’s just for an afternoon etc, even having friends round with young children for an afternoon is exhausting!

I used to be pleased when DM( who saw a lot of them) asked me what they would like .Another adult with purchasing power .ATM times are tough and many people are struggling to make ends meet.Surely a little ungrateful? Also most kids would say they would like 10 barbie dolls ,and loads of sweets! Where Mums would say a particular style of Doll and a selection box please

You wouldn’t like it if they brought something your children didn’t like, duplicated something etc?!

Why not just ask for vouchers/money or have a wish list people can buy from with reasonable prices?

But buying what is wanted, rather than what is not.

Remembering that OP is not consumer led, buys second hand toys and has several babies and children.

A drum set each, whilst wanted by the children may not be what OP feels suitable.

I mean my niece is only just turned 5. She lives three hours drive away. I work full time and have other commitments, my sister and brother in law both work and have busy lives. There's not a huge amount of scope for me to spend time with her and learn about her interests, beyond a few visits across the year and a week's holiday together. So I know what she liked when I saw her last in October, but three months is a long time for a 5yo. She can't read, she doesn't have a phone, so not like I can be in regular whatsap contact with her to establish her interests! If I want to avoid potentially getting an identical thing to something her nan or other aunt is getting her, or something she has now gone off, then I'm going to need to talk to my sister about it.

In other words, follow my rules,and do as i say

Be grateful you have relatives to ask

Blimey, I'd much rather they asked than we ended up with loads of duplicate things or stuff the kids don't want!

Well this is the point, we don’t ’have’ them. They are not present in our lives and we have no emotional connection. I’m not fussed by material goods so, no, not that grateful

You don't like them, do you OP?

Well it must be amazing to be so well off for spending money on someone (expecting nothing in return) to be meaningless, for the rest of us it’s a stress trying to balance the budget at Christmas time

I do ask questions about the kids in my family, but really I'm not looking for specific suggestions, more like, they've recently got into X, or Y is a bit old hat now. Because kids change fast and we don't necessarily see them that often due to distance. But then I often get specific requests back, which I don't particularly want/need.

To me, this is just part of Christmas. Relatives want to get something the DC are currently interested in, and avoid duplication. I just keep a list on my phone generally throughout the year and use that for gift suggestions.

So whilst I think people asking is one thing, it's different entirely if they want you to buy it, take delivery, wrap it etc. That would annoy me.

This is such a non issue which I cannot understand why you're getting so het up about. Just tell them "Thank you, that's lovely, CHILD would like X." Then move on.

This but with the "Well do you just want to buy and i'll transfer you the money".

I really really really fucking hate it.

Annoys the hell out of me too for both reasons you mentioned

1. Ask them. Perhaps drop by to see them? Spend a few moments learning about what they like. It’s not a big effort to pick up the phone.
2. I already have a list of things I want to buy them. Now I have to come up with a separate list for people who can’t be arsed.

Also, if you gave it a minute of thought, you might see something/think of something I haven’t.

I think 2026 is going to be the year I say just bung cash in an envelope. Why should I spend my time and energy doing it so you can put in no time or effort and still appear to be a great person.