to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

[TweedleTarmac]

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

He put it in the bin in front of her?!

Fuck me, that’s harsh. I mean, I get that you don’t want a house full of useless shite, but that’s cold.

My DD buys all their gifts, asks what our budget is, we select from her batch and then buy from her……..sorted. The GC get things they’d like BUT we still make that effort to interact with them all regardless of birthdays Christmas Easter etc.

Well when you have future Grandchildren my advice would be to ask the parents! Otherwise they will be constantly annoyed that you are buying them things they don't need.

Yeah cos that gets listened to.

Just more nagging messaging.

I really can't be arsed with it.

Then just be grateful that family members are getting them anything? The cost of living is hitting extra hard at the moment. Accept it with grace, smile and say thank you, and dispose of it if you really can’t stand it.

I remember one year MiL asked me to get DC a gift because she found it “too stressful” herself. I purchased a gift and gave it to her on the down low in a carrier bag.

On the day of my child’s birthday she handed them their gift still in the same bag. Hadn’t even been bothered to wrap it herself

So the relatives are asking what they want, not buying temu crap? What are they doing wrong then?

No where has OP complained that they’re buying crap, although they might make the wrong decision, if they’re not assisted with ideas.

Yours is a totally different scenario.

I don’t give to my nieces and nephews any more but when I did, it was because I felt I had to/pressured by my siblings as I was the one with no children and so they thought I had more money to spend on their offspring. So I would ask what they wanted and get it because a) I had no idea what toys were out there and b) I rarely saw them because they lived in another part of the country and c) I am not interested in children enough to spend my precious free time having calls with them.

Then say "but he's not really into XXX. Perhaps a voucher or even some money towards ACTIVITY, but I understand if you are not comfortable with that. Thanks so much for the thought though! It's really appreciated."

I just don't really understand the big deal unless there's a massive back story.

Without wanting to sound hugely moralistic, lots of people can't have children and would love to be asked this. Other people have no family so don't get asked this. And then you see the sad requests from children by charities like Refuge etc, which you can donate to, and the kids have asked for one small present... and you think 'what kind of Christmas are they having?'

Speaking from the POV of a relative...

I ask because I'm childfree, have no interest in your young kids, yet am obligated by society to buy presents for yours because I'm related.

You'll never do the same for me, as I'll never have children.

Frankly, I think you should be grateful rather than whiney.

Sending cash is just making it more obvious it's a childfree tax. I'm happy to go without sending you and your kids anything!

You chose to have kids; I didn't. I'm happy you had the children you wanted, but that doesn't magically make me want to want a relationship with yours, especially when they're too young to share any common interests with me. You're supposed to think your kids are amazing (if you didn't, I'd be concerned) but that doesn't mean everyone related to you should feel the same. It's not that I think there's anything wrong with your children, just that some people aren't interested in anyone's children. People are different.

i used to buy gifts for my nieces and nephews that thought they would like. One year my sister in law told me that she was at our other sister in laws house and that our niece absolutely loved the present we had bought her, was playing with it the whole time they were visiting. A few days later, BIL (father of the happy niece) asked me to check with them what to buy their daughter before birthdays and Christmas from then on to “make sure she got something she would like”. I don’t have any daughters so was actually really upset as I loved going out and looking for “girl” presents for a change, but said no problem. From then on I always asked for any children in the family if there was anything in particular they would like or should I pick something.

I would much rather be choosing - but I also didn’t want to rock the boat as we do not have a good relationship with that particular brother-in-law and his wife. We literally haven’t seen them in 15 years, but I will always buy presents for my niece because it isn’t her fault her parents are cunts (big back story that I won’t go into) and I won’t leave one child out.

I just learnt to say they would be happy with anything you choose. Sometimes this backfires, one time thier GP gave them a gift bag of stationary- birthdays are just before the new school year.
Sometimes if they catch me a snotty mood ill just say no idea have a look yourself you know them well enough to be able to pick a present for them. Other times I try and pre empt them and get my kids to choose something around the budget and just send it to them.
It does annoy me though.

You are not obliged to buy gifts at all. You, or your family, are putting that expectation on you. As you clearly despise the children and probably their parents too from the way you speak, you’d be doing yourself a favour by going NC with them.

She has been told numerous times, by both DH and BIL not to buy crap from Temu. She buys the magnetic blocks that come apart and tiny magnets fall out (our youngest DD is a baby and one of BIL's children has SEN and everything goes in their mouth), she buys things with button batteries where they are not secured in properly. She bought a soft toy for DD when she was 2 off temu and there was a sharp wire pointing out of the unicorn wing. Same with BIL's kids who are SEN, she buys things that are not appropriate for their age, things that are dangerous to a child that puts everything in their mouths. Both DH and BIL have said don't buy it, buy one good quality toy that they want vs 10 poor quality dangerous toys. Temu is fine if you carefully read the description and inspect items but MIL doesn't do this, she just buys what's on lightening deals.

This angst is never really to do with presents, it’s to go with not liking the family members - usually the in laws.

I'm not sure it's as simple as that in fairness, although I understand where you are coming from.

Most people in my family ask because they can't be bothered to 'think' about what the child might like, they just want to box tick with zero thought. I've always loved Christmas and before having my own child I always spent time thinking about what nephews and nieces would like, then I'd check it wasn't a duplicate/bad idea etc before buying.. that isn't what OP is complaining about though.

I've had it this year, 'what does DD want?', and now I have to think about things to tell 8 separate people exactly what to buy!! I did get a bit frustrated with MIL recently when in EARLY NOVEMBER she expected me to just drop a list of items that everyone could buy.. then what I looked a bit blank she lectured me on there 'not being enough time for people to shop'.. I'm sorry, you fucking what?? I don't have enough time to sleep, some days I'm on 4-5 hours just to get everything done.. and half these people are retired/semi retired! I really did not appreciate the inference that I'm not doing my duty to make other people's lives easier.

So I'm with OP here to be fair, it's nice that people want to buy for her, of course it is, but to me the true nature of Christmas is actually making an effort and thinking about what people want and would like and get it.. NOT just saying pick something to the value of £20 and I'll buy it for you! That's not what Christmas is about for me.

An Amazon wish list would really help you out here. Just give everyone the link.

I think it depends on the relationship with the person asking. My child’s godmother asks, she’s my best friend from school lives a few hours away and doesn’t have children , I tell her happily as she goes and orders the thing. so her intent is to get the right present. She also always buys her an advent calendar and Easter egg.

My mum sometimes asks (but sometimes puts money in a card) but I know that she won’t actually try and get the present she’ll want me to or worse she asks my child what she wants and then says your mum can get it for me. So my mums intent is to make as little effort as possible, for me to buy and wrap it. That represents her whole relationship with me and her only granddaughter in terms of effort and irks me considerably. No advent calendar or Easter egg is ever purchased.

They want to get the right present, so that the child enjoys it. The bastards.

Set up an Elfster account
You list ideas
People can look choose and click 'bought ' so no duplicates
Sorted

It absolutely is that simple.

I’m sorry but I did all my shopping in November. I needed to because of the cost. If you’re that stressed you need to look at what you and your partner can be doing that differently.

Seems like there are 3 types of people in the world:
-people who are cross about being asked what gifts their children would like
-people who are cross about their relatives buying "the wrong thing"
-people who are cross that their relatives dont buy their children anything at all

You're just a type 1

You know you have a choice - surely better to not buy than be resentful? Resentment is so damaging internally.

I've thought about this some more and I actually think my DS (aged 4) would be fine with getting 8 rainbow unicorns.

Seriously though, my children are small (I think smaller than OP's children) so I may be underestimating the capabilities of slightly older children, but I think it will be quite some time until DS1 is able to ask relatives for what he wants, keep track of what he has asked for, understand how much things cost, what's a 'big' or a 'small' present, and realise that different people have different budgets. And by that point he'll surely be big enough to write his own list, which I can photograph and send round to relatives with a note of who's already claimed which gift.

But you could tell them to send cash/vouchers. Or even not to buy anything and donate to a toy bank in you daughter's name instead.

There is no law that says people HAVE to buy your child gifts or that you HAVE to accept them.