to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

[TweedleTarmac]

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

How old are your children, @TweedleTarmac ?

You seem quite angry and hard work, not sure it’s the children they’re trying to not engage with.

I think you are mixing two issues. You seem (understandably) upset about people who don’t actually make an effort with your children. That doesn’t automatically translate to everyone who asks what they should get them for Xmas. Don’t know how old your children are but if they have done a list for Santa then you ideally need a parent in charge of that list so the child doesn’t tell everyone the same thing. People ask what they should get for logistical reasons amongst others. But agree if they can’t be bothered with your children the rest of the time then just send cash in a card!

It is a constant source of amazement to me on MN (especially at Christmas) that some posters seem to genuinely think they or their DC are front, back and centre of eveyone's lives.
You are moaning about your 'mental load' but surely you can see you are a lot better placed to know what your children want/need than your relatives. By not helping them, you adding to their 'mental load'.
People are so self-centred and self-obsessed these days.

mine are 17 and 13 and I still have all the relatives asking me.

i get it - they don’t want to buy duplicates etc

but Ive pointed out my kids have phones, emails, WhatsApp and can be asked directly

This is insane, you don’t need to research shopping choices and send them links, just “x likes Lego, y is into anything arts and crafty”. You’ll only moan if they don’t ask and get your kids something you don’t want them to have!

How mean

I love this being asked - then I just get someone else to buy something I was gonna get already and it saves me money !! My daughter wanted Bluey Lego & several tonies characters this year for Xmas (in top of loads of other things) so my sister is getting a tonne and my dad bought the bluey Lego - saved me 55£

Lots of people are saying you're unreasonable regarding the presents issue, but I read from your OP a more general lack of interest in your children from the relatives concerned, and that is the real issue. And on that issue you're not unreasonable at all.
My kids grew up with very uninvolved grandparents, and it hurts. They rarely spent time with them, never babysat, even when visiting paid very little attention to the children. When Christmas and birthdays came around, that question "What shall I buy them?" always grated because it was just one more reminder of their year round absence from their grand children's lives. Plus it created more work for me.
Of course I may just be projecting my issues onto your OP, but I don't think you sound unreasonable at all.

You're using someine elses time and energy

Dh has 3 grandchildren. They have a house full of toys. Mum always moaning about it. So he asks and buys accordingly. He isn't going to waste £150 on crap!!!

I know my nieces and nephews very well and see them all the time. I always double check with my sister to make sure I'm buying something they really want and also that she hasn't already purchased it herself. She does the same with me.

Sorry but that’s how OP is coming across, moaning people are asking her and moaning that no one takes enough interest.

She wants the children to get duplicates or unstable gifts and then will moan again,

She wants second hand toys, what do the children want?

I’d asked a vv busy dd about any ideas for 3 Gdcs - she wasn’t forthcoming.
Luckily at next visit (we don’t live close) there was an Argos catalogue, so I asked the youngest to show me what she’d like. (Had already found suitable things for 2 elder.)

She picked out something pretty trashy, but then she’s only 5, so sod it. Got it delivered, with 240 Nectar points. 🙂

My sister lives in a different country. I am disabled (to the extent that I can’t travel). The last time my sister visited me was 2012 (when she wanted to use my home as a base for a trip).

How on earth am I supposed to know what to send to her children if she doesn’t tell me?! If she had your attitude I wouldn’t bother sending anything at all.

(ETA the children are all under 10. They don’t have their own phones!)

Do you want them to buy your kids presents or not?

Just give them your DC’s next clothes size they will be going in to and say to buy an outfit

I think there's a difference between asking "is there anything in particular they would like" & "what shall I get them?". One adds to the mental load a lot more than the other does. Or even "I was thinking of getting them such & such, would that be appropriate?".

So it's not really about the gift request, which is a perfectly sensible and normal thing to ask. It's about them not taking an interest the rest of the year? That can be hurtful.

We'd all love our wider families to care about our children. Sometimes people just don't have the interest or bandwidth for people beyond their own immediate family/friends. It doesn't mean they don't care and Christmas presents are often a way to show this. If you don't want any presents then politely decline. Perhaps say "the kids have got so much already we don't need any toys, but we'd love to see you for lunch/a walk/at X's birthday party in the New Year".

I agree. I don't live near my family. My sister and I always ask each other's advice about what to buy our adult DC for Christmas. Some people really aren't good at guessing or don't have the opportunity to get to know other people's offspring well enough.

I'm giving my nieces and nephews money this year.

YABVU. The alternative is a house full of duplicate books and toys and other tat you don't need or nothing at all.

What makes me think they have endless time? They are a bunch of healthy, not-poor retired people

I did used to do all the traveling go them and calling them but I’ve quit as it was 100% one way. Why should I be dragging my several babies and young kids on treks when they have cars and abundant time.

They don’t need to have a relationship with the kids if they don’t want to, but if that’s the case I can’t be bothered to facilitate a box ticking exercise of doing their Xmas shopping for them

Good plan!

I prefer it so they don’t just guess and get any old shit. We’ve had some really piss poor presents in the past from MIL in particular. She once got DS a fondue set for his birthday for example, he was five… Last year she turned up with this humongous ride on horse thing no one wanted or asked for, we had no space so had to get rid which she kicked up a fuss about!

At least if you give a general idea it avoids this sort of thing. Also avoids the stereotypes of all boys or girls liking certain toys. My youngest DS gets superheroes sometimes and he has never had any remote interest in them.

Another point - you parents are not obligated to spend time or anything else on their grandchildren.
Yes, most do, but you know those 'boundaries' and rules MN is so fond of? Grandparents have them too.
All i see on here is endless complaining about grandparents (usially ILs) and there seems to be a general belief that they are only there to serve their offspring and follow their rules.

Was it really such a big issue for your children?? Were your parents hostile to your children when they visited or just didn’t want to necessarily spend hours sitting down playing snakes and ladders with them?
As I’ve said in a previous post, my grandparents lived abroad so only saw them once every few years but we very much appreciated the presents they sent and as I’ve got older I appreciate even more the time and effort they put into doing that. This resentment towards grandparents seems an awful lot more about parents just wanting to have some of the load taken off them, yes we’ve got young children and we’d all love that in an ideal world but it’s not an entitlement. One of my now adult DC grandmother’s wasn’t super involved as she was growing up but now they have the best of relationships and regularly spend time together, they just naturally found they actually enjoyed each other’s company