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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated by relatives always asking me what young DC want for Xmas/birthdays

278 replies

TweedleTarmac · 05/12/2025 08:13

Get to know them, visit them. Video call them. And then ask them yourselves!

I should be grateful that people want to make the effort, but burdening my already heavy mental load by asking me to find something that they can buy online in a few clicks isn’t really much effort. We really try to not to over-consume and buy our toys secondhand. I’d rather they didn’t send anything at all.

There is one relative who makes a huge amount of effort to spend time with them and she finds out herself from them what gifts they would like.

OP posts:
justjuggling · 05/12/2025 08:36

Vouchers. Just ask for vouchers.

StampOnTheGround · 05/12/2025 08:37

My parents and in laws always ask instead of just buying and I’m grateful they do so we don’t end up with duplicates. They know him well, but also know that Santa/us will have bought things.

BarnacleBeasley · 05/12/2025 08:37

My children have three sets of grandparents and five sets of aunts and uncles who don't all know each other. I also have one DC with a December birthday. It is effort to coordinate presents but there'd be way more duplication and disappointment if we didn't. With the relatives who are likely to enjoy putting the effort in we normally tell them the genre and style and let them choose the specific item.

Carri79 · 05/12/2025 08:41

Wordsmithery · 05/12/2025 08:35

Most of my relatives never bothered, including aunts and uncles, so that's something to consider.
I do agree with the over consumption thing. Why don't you ask for money for savings and a secondhand book. Children can never have too many books!

Some people don’t understand how lucky they are having family who buy presents for their kids, no less family who are going to the effort to try and find out what they would really like 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sequinsontoast754 · 05/12/2025 08:42

I think YAB a bit U op sorry.

I know it’s a hassle sometimes but it comes from a place of wanting to do something nice for your dc.

Also, if they know your views on over-consumption, they will probably be even more anxious to get it right!

Also, for the older relatives who are more geographically distant, it’s hard to know bc children have very specific tastes sometimes which go in phases and something which can be popular one year, can be rejected the next. And they grow so fast! And dc, unless you know them very well, can be a bit unforthcoming or hard to extract information from succintly!

Sorry but if you know you are going to receive requests like this every year, then why not prepare s small list to guide purchases of things you know your dc want or need? That would help you too wouldn’t it?

Or if you don’t like the consumption aspect why not set up a little savings fund either for savings itself or for a specific big present like a bike, and ask relatives to contribute to that? Most people would be delighted to receive concrete information like this.

Sorry but if you are not happy about a situation, why not take control and steer it a bit? It only takes 5 minutes to write a standardised e-mail or list that you can send out in response to queries! No longer than it takes to post here anyway!

If the real issue is that relatives want to buy your children stuff instead of spending time with them and developing proper relationships with them, then that’s a separate matter, and you need to address it with them directly or be more pro-active about inviting them regularly.

Again,, speaking as an older person, I am very conscious of how busy my adult nieces are with their careers and raising their young families, I would love to get to know their dc better and visit more often, but their working week is pretty rammed, which leaves weekends, and I am worried about intruding on their free time. In other wiords, I would appreciate a steer from you about when would be convenient to come!

Have you thought op, that if you are so busy that Christmas present queries are annoying for you; then maybe people are hesitant to come and visit and interact with your dc for fear of imposing on you further?

goshness · 05/12/2025 08:42

Around October time, create an Amazon wish list with a few small things the kids would like. When a relative asks, send the list. Makes life a lot easier.

Fountofwisdom · 05/12/2025 08:43

As an aunt, asking the children in the family what they would like isn’t always helpful. If they tell everyone they want this Lego or that Paw Patrol toy, it’s more than likely they will get duplicates.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a parent to draw up a list and then, if asked, to just steer the giver towards one or two options. This is what the parents in my extended family tend to do. I know parents are busy, but I’m busy too and have multiple children to buy for, some of whom are very young or I don’t see often to know what they’d like.

paradisecircus · 05/12/2025 08:43

Tbf I think it's pretty reasonable to ask people what sort of stuff their kids are into before spending (wasting) money on presents. If they're asking YOU to buy the gift on their behalf that's different.
It sounds like you're more put out that relatives don't make enough effort to get to know your kids - that's understandable. Although I also know I've been "that relative"!

Redpeach · 05/12/2025 08:43

LizzieSiddal · 05/12/2025 08:35

You don’t have to be specific. Just say what they’re into-dinausaurs/duplo/books/board games.
It takes no time at all.

It takes no time at all for the giver to google it

lap90 · 05/12/2025 08:44

If you’d rather they didn’t send anything at all, tell them that so they can save their money.

x2boys · 05/12/2025 08:44

Redpeach · 05/12/2025 08:43

It takes no time at all for the giver to google it

Show quote history

It takes even less time for the parent to say please buy jim a paint set or whatever .

LaMarschallin · 05/12/2025 08:46

lap90 · 05/12/2025 08:44

If you’d rather they didn’t send anything at all, tell them that so they can save their money.

Exactly what I was thinking.
Mental load reduced all round.

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 05/12/2025 08:47

YABVU. I see my friend’s and families children as regularly as time allows but still check. Children’s tastes change all the time; I would much rather get something chosen by the parent or child themselves. When my friends and family ask for my own children I’m really grateful that they care enough to get them a gift and put effort into it being something the child likes. You also don’t need to be too specific, you could just say that anything to do with X Football team would be great. You are being very precious when you should just be grateful.

Zempy · 05/12/2025 08:47

Fucking bastards! Go NC!

TheCurious0range · 05/12/2025 08:47

I usually give some vague areas, he's really into robots, books and enjoys crafts. Gives them ideas without the mental load of additional shopping.

Nevernonono · 05/12/2025 08:49

How unappreciative!

What makes you think others have endless time to visit your children? Take your children to them? You make the video calls?

Im sure your children would love sitting on lots of video calls so people know what to get them for Christmas.

Original poster
TweedleTarmac · 05/12/2025 08:52

x2boys · 05/12/2025 08:17

You need to get over yourself this is a pretty normal thing ime ,do you video call other people's children etc?

My nieces and nephews? Yes, I do, if I haven’t seen them in a long time.

And my future grandchildren if I am lucky enough to have/meet them, yes of course I would.

It bugs me that people don’t want to have a relationship with them or see them ever but feel a need to tick us off a list. Just send cash in a card if that’s the case.

OP posts:
Carri79 · 05/12/2025 08:52

Sequinsontoast754 · 05/12/2025 08:42

I think YAB a bit U op sorry.

I know it’s a hassle sometimes but it comes from a place of wanting to do something nice for your dc.

Also, if they know your views on over-consumption, they will probably be even more anxious to get it right!

Also, for the older relatives who are more geographically distant, it’s hard to know bc children have very specific tastes sometimes which go in phases and something which can be popular one year, can be rejected the next. And they grow so fast! And dc, unless you know them very well, can be a bit unforthcoming or hard to extract information from succintly!

Sorry but if you know you are going to receive requests like this every year, then why not prepare s small list to guide purchases of things you know your dc want or need? That would help you too wouldn’t it?

Or if you don’t like the consumption aspect why not set up a little savings fund either for savings itself or for a specific big present like a bike, and ask relatives to contribute to that? Most people would be delighted to receive concrete information like this.

Sorry but if you are not happy about a situation, why not take control and steer it a bit? It only takes 5 minutes to write a standardised e-mail or list that you can send out in response to queries! No longer than it takes to post here anyway!

If the real issue is that relatives want to buy your children stuff instead of spending time with them and developing proper relationships with them, then that’s a separate matter, and you need to address it with them directly or be more pro-active about inviting them regularly.

Again,, speaking as an older person, I am very conscious of how busy my adult nieces are with their careers and raising their young families, I would love to get to know their dc better and visit more often, but their working week is pretty rammed, which leaves weekends, and I am worried about intruding on their free time. In other wiords, I would appreciate a steer from you about when would be convenient to come!

Have you thought op, that if you are so busy that Christmas present queries are annoying for you; then maybe people are hesitant to come and visit and interact with your dc for fear of imposing on you further?

This totally, and I say this as a very busy working mother with young children, in relation to your relatives ‘not getting to know your children’ there has to be effort on both sides, this shouldn’t be about feeling frustrated as a parent that they’re not taking them off your hands for regular days out etc, pay for childcare if you need that (something we regularly do and forgo a lot in order to afford ourselves that occasional breathing space. This is about you maybe putting on a nice meal for your relatives or inviting them on a nice day out/theatre trip with you all and taking account of the fact that if they live far away the time and fuel costs involved might be to much financially or energy wise if they’re very busy themselves or elderly etc. It should be organic and enjoyable for the relatives and your kids. I’m afraid my poor DH (when he’s working away) is the only one I oblige to be subjected to the tedium of FaceTiming children, who usually just want to take the opportunity to play with the stickers feature

Carri79 · 05/12/2025 08:54

Zempy · 05/12/2025 08:47

Fucking bastards! Go NC!

🤣

Nevernonono · 05/12/2025 08:54

TweedleTarmac · 05/12/2025 08:52

My nieces and nephews? Yes, I do, if I haven’t seen them in a long time.

And my future grandchildren if I am lucky enough to have/meet them, yes of course I would.

It bugs me that people don’t want to have a relationship with them or see them ever but feel a need to tick us off a list. Just send cash in a card if that’s the case.

Show quote history

Well ask them for that then? Job done, no stress!

EmpressaurusKitty · 05/12/2025 08:55

Redpeach · 05/12/2025 08:43

It takes no time at all for the giver to google it

Show quote history

Google what? Suitable presents for 8-year-old girl? There’s no guarantee that would bring up something the child would like or didn’t already have.

I normally give vouchers to all the kids in the family unless one of the parents mentions something specific.

When my nephew was starting university I messaged him directly, gave him my budget & asked what would be really useful, but that was different.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 05/12/2025 08:55

We ask my daughter for guidance in what to give because kids' interests, and even their passions, are ever changing and often very fleeting. We don't see them often enough to be sure that the thing that was dominating their time and conversation a few weeks ago is still of any interest to them at all. I'm guessing your children are quite small - you'll find this is more and more the case as they grow. We have to spend our money wisely but also want to give our granddaughters pleasure. My mother and parents in law (and other relatives) asked me when my children were small for the same reasons. It goes with the territory. And at least people care enough to ask.
If it feels like such a burden, why don't you just tell people not to bother?
And why snipe about people buying on line? It's the way I have to shop. The alternative would be me sending you the money and asking you to get something from me. That would increase your "mental load" even more but you should still be grateful on your kids' behalf. It happened a lot before online shopping was a thing and when mail order was restricted to buying overpriced rubbish from catalogues. Just put up with it and know it's a universal "problem" that isn't really a problem at all.

Doidontimmm · 05/12/2025 08:57

My granddaughter lives 200 miles away, we do visit but I don’t go looking through all the storage that contains her toys to see everything she has!

We saw her last month and all she would say is a bike (she still fits the one we got her last year) and a dog!! She is 4.

So can I not ask her mum/dad what she would really play with or if she already has XYZ so I don’t duplicate?

frozendaisy · 05/12/2025 08:58

We used to have this when they were younger so just worked it out beforehand

So instead of just getting a train set they then got the station, level crossing, buses extra people from grandparents

x2boys · 05/12/2025 08:59

TweedleTarmac · 05/12/2025 08:52

My nieces and nephews? Yes, I do, if I haven’t seen them in a long time.

And my future grandchildren if I am lucky enough to have/meet them, yes of course I would.

It bugs me that people don’t want to have a relationship with them or see them ever but feel a need to tick us off a list. Just send cash in a card if that’s the case.

Show quote history

With your attitude i wouldnt be sending anything tbh.

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