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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

250 replies

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:16

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

OP posts:
AwfullyGood · 04/12/2025 18:20

You split up. He can sleep with whoever he likes (I don't think much of his choice but it's irrelevant). No idea why he even told you, nothing good could ever have came from it.

What difference does it really make? The relationship doesn't work either way.

Arlanymor · 04/12/2025 18:23

Yes it feels grubby, but I’m not sure that a one night stand is the same as seeing someone. So he hasn't broken that rule and he’s been upfront about it. It’s not cheating, even if he made a bad choice.

If you make him leave then things will be disrupted over Christmas and I think that’s what you’re trying to avoid? I would reframe it - he’s proved even more definitively why you shouldn’t be together. He’s validating what you already know.

Original poster
Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:23

AwfullyGood · 04/12/2025 18:20

You split up. He can sleep with whoever he likes (I don't think much of his choice but it's irrelevant). No idea why he even told you, nothing good could ever have came from it.

What difference does it really make? The relationship doesn't work either way.

I guess it’s as we had an agreement not to see anyone else until we got our own places, so in a sense he did break that deal, which we made out of respect to each other.

OP posts:
icouldholditwithacobweb · 04/12/2025 18:23

I'd hate it too, but you are separated and he didn't bring her back to your home so I do think you'd be unreasonable to ask him to leave because of that. He's correct, it isn't cheating if you both agree you are separated. Not unreasonable to be absolutely disgusted by this, though.

MrsPrendergast · 04/12/2025 18:25

Why does he have to move out? He's done nothing wrong AT ALL as far as I can see

MrsPrendergast · 04/12/2025 18:26

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:23

I guess it’s as we had an agreement not to see anyone else until we got our own places, so in a sense he did break that deal, which we made out of respect to each other.

Show quote history

Hes not seeing anyone. He had sex. One evening. That does not constitute seeing someone

Mulledjuice · 04/12/2025 18:26

Why did he want her IG if he wasnt hoping to see her again?

Although i agree either you have split or you havent

Shadesofscarlett · 04/12/2025 18:27

why did he tell you - how grim. honestly if you are splitting get him out of the house. no idea why you are waiting.

Noforkforporridge · 04/12/2025 18:28

MrsPrendergast · 04/12/2025 18:25

Why does he have to move out? He's done nothing wrong AT ALL as far as I can see

He has broken the agreement they had ? Plus he sounds like he is trying to upset OP by giving details. Sounds like he should move out it would be better for all involved

Original poster
Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:28

Mulledjuice · 04/12/2025 18:26

Why did he want her IG if he wasnt hoping to see her again?

Although i agree either you have split or you havent

Yes this is how I view it. He is in London monthly at least for work, and we don’t live so far away that he couldn’t feasibly see someone from London. Why would he ask for her instagram if he didn’t plan to see her again?
He also told me so he obviously feels as though it was in breach of our agreement.

OP posts:
Bambamhoohoo · 04/12/2025 18:30

Horrible, grim and disappointing but I would forget about it personally. It’s nothing do with you now really, it’s him being a loser.

i don’t think you can ask him to leave. It’s his house too, why should a grown man live with her mum and dad when he has his own house?!

DorisTheFinkasaurus · 04/12/2025 18:32

God knows why he needed to share this with you. What a ridiculous man.
Don't allow him to vent or share with you. His business is no longer yours. He can't just go out shagging whomever then come on home and spill his guts to you, his ex. Set some boundaries, OP, for your own sanity.

Start mentally preparing to leave your family home. You will likely have to sell it in a divorce at any rate. The sooner you start mentally letting go, the better chance you have of truly moving on and putting this marriage behind you.
Don't get stuck living with your ex husband for years under one roof 'for the sake of the kids'. Don't do that to yourself. Start mentally preparing yourself to really leave this marriage behind. It's sooo hard, I know (been there... twice! Not proud) , but don't be tempted to keep things locked in a holding pattern for the kids' sake. It's messy and not a good situation for you. Be nice to you above all! Because no one else will be. 💐

CarolHolly · 04/12/2025 18:32

He asked for her IG, so he wants to stay in touch with her. You’re splitting up, he’s broken the agreement, he was so drunk he didn’t ask the woman’s age but once he’d sobered up, he asked for her contact details. He’s entitled to sleep with anyone over age and so are you.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 04/12/2025 18:32

I mean, the age difference is grim but your ‘agreement’ was never going to hold (given the opportunity) because there’s no skin in the game. You’ve already split up, you can’t be ‘more’ split up. It’s binary.

If it’s still important to you not to disrupt the DCs before Christmas then you need to let it wash over you. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting annoyed about it - that’s obviously why he told you.

winter8090 · 04/12/2025 18:33

Why did he tell you?
There was absolutely no reason to.

Feels like he’s trying to make you jealous.
I would see it through until January and be glad to see the back of him if this is how he acts.

CarolHolly · 04/12/2025 18:34

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:28

Yes this is how I view it. He is in London monthly at least for work, and we don’t live so far away that he couldn’t feasibly see someone from London. Why would he ask for her instagram if he didn’t plan to see her again?
He also told me so he obviously feels as though it was in breach of our agreement.

Show quote history

He probably told you to get a reaction. He’s obviously hoping to see her again. The sooner he’s gone, the better.

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/12/2025 18:34

Sorry but yabu. You are separated he can sleep with whoever he likes as long as they are a consenting adult, which this person is. Only issue I'd take is that he told you, ultimately it's none of your business and he shouldn't have brought it up to you.

Celestialmoods · 04/12/2025 18:35

He’s telling you because he wants a reaction from you. He want to make you jealous because it makes him feel good about himself. He had no reason to tell you anything otherwise, especially her age. He can’t claim that he’s telling you out of respect and that you can’t be upset about it. That is bullshit.

MaeTeekay14 · 04/12/2025 18:38

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:28

Yes this is how I view it. He is in London monthly at least for work, and we don’t live so far away that he couldn’t feasibly see someone from London. Why would he ask for her instagram if he didn’t plan to see her again?
He also told me so he obviously feels as though it was in breach of our agreement.

Show quote history

Does it matter if he's asked for her IG? Maybe they got on? Also, I don't understand what the issue is with him sleeping with an 18 year old, and I certainly can't understand where the disgust comes from. I appreciate she's younger than him but she's not a child. I think it's really excessive to ask him to leave for sleeping with someone when you're literally no longer together. I would 100% be behind you if he slept with this young lady in your home. But I really do think this is a big fuss over nothing.

333FionaG · 04/12/2025 18:38

Was he showing off that he could attract such a young woman? I would say good for you love, but please don't tell me again of any of your conquests, because I really don't care.

CarolHolly · 04/12/2025 18:41

333FionaG · 04/12/2025 18:38

Was he showing off that he could attract such a young woman? I would say good for you love, but please don't tell me again of any of your conquests, because I really don't care.

This ^ with Christmas bells on

RampantIvy · 04/12/2025 18:41

Gosh. There are some really cool mumsnetters on here.

I think he told the OP to get a rise out of her. It was a horrible thing to do.

The fact that they have parted ways doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when the ex has pulled. I'm surprised that so many posters can switch off their feelings so easily.

HellsBellsAndCatsWhiskers · 04/12/2025 18:41

I mean yeah, technically he can sleep with whoever he likes if you're split up. But you've just broken up, are still living at home together ,due to move out in the next month or two....surely he could've waited. Its kind of shitty behaviour.

stayok · 04/12/2025 18:43

Weird that he told you. The whole thing is pretty gross but that's his prerogative. Living together after you have split up was always going to be difficult and doubly so if he's going to be out having ONSs and telling you about them. Probably best if he moves out.

CarolHolly · 04/12/2025 18:43

RampantIvy · 04/12/2025 18:41

Gosh. There are some really cool mumsnetters on here.

I think he told the OP to get a rise out of her. It was a horrible thing to do.

The fact that they have parted ways doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when the ex has pulled. I'm surprised that so many posters can switch off their feelings so easily.

If my 30-odd year old husband had come home from a drunken night out and told me he’d slept with an 18 year old and got her IG the next morning, that would kill my respect for him immediately.

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