Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

[Crinklecutnot]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

The dawg won't stay on the porch but he's not your dawg anymore so you're kind of stuck with it. Sure, his choice gives me the ick but FGS, don't blow up Christmas over it.

Your kids will find it hard enough when he moves out, don't tie that to Christmas for them, it won't go away & he'll be Banquo's ghost at every festive season thereafter. TBH, I'd try to avoid the moving out until well into Feb.

He's a stupid, fucking, entitled prick?! As parent to a DD that age, this makes my blood boil...He knew what he was doing and whatsmore he's trying to rub it in. He can definitely move out asap.

What is wrong with these men, so so many feel justified in their disgusting actions 🤷🏽‍♀️

He was trying to hurt you op. He did not need to tell you and he definitely didn’t need to find an 18 year old at 33.

Yeah I get why you've got the ick. I don't know why he told you frankly.

Just tell him you don't want to know about his sex life. He can do as he pleases outside of the house but you don't need to hear it.

Booting him out early won't really solve anything. And it might make Xmas worse for the kids.

It's not that complicated really. Your DH slept with an eighteen year old while drunk and deliberately told you about it to see how you'd react. In his mind he probably thinks he comes across well or that you'll now begin to appreciate his sex appeal. Of course, the opposite is probably true.

Do 18 year olds not have any agency of their own?

The 18 yr old hasn't got 2 toddlers at home

OP, I wonder whether it would help you to see a solicitor for advice sooner rather than later. Navigating Christmas and its stresses might be easier if you have a plan and clarity about the way forward.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/?_gl=1f2r2vj_gcl_au*OTMwMjA2Mjk3LjE3NjI5OTA4ODY.

I'd also be wondering why he told you.

I have a dd this age. What he did was absolutely disgusting. I can’t imagine why he would tell you this. Perhaps someone had threatened to tell you.

On the plus side, you are going to be much better off without someone who shags a teenage girl. Gross.

Honestly who has time for this? Your single ex had consensual sex with someone else. Why are you even bothered?

Having all of these rules under the nonsense guise of “respect” when you’re no longer together sounds so arduous. If you need special rules in place indefinitely then you shouldn’t have agreed to live together after the separation.

They are two adults who met in a bar.

What’s that got to do with anything?

He broke you agreement which isn't nice. I guess it's a sign of things to come. He's word means nothing so don't trust him moving forward.

If he wants to he a sleazy old man banging 18 year old that's on him. He needs to look at himself in the mirror. He's telling you because he wants you to feel some way about it. Maybe he wants you jealous.aybe he's demonstrating that he can get a younger woman and is therefore desirable. You are splitting up for a reason that reason is still there. I'd just say "I'm disappointed that you broke our agreement. I don't care about your sex life beyond that".

One the one hand, it is understandable you feel like it’s disrespectful while still living together as a family, but on the other hand, you are not living together as partners anymore and have been disconnected emotionally for some time. With each of you eventually making the move into separate homes, you will each have started to make plans, but both of you are not ready to move from the family home. Maybe make a goal of x months together and then both of you move at the same time or whatever you both decide? Although this may not be best for everyone in the household if you already know that you will struggle to make it work now while living with him. Both of you need time to arrange a suitable home. What matters here is the quality of time spent with your children over the Christmas before each of you can get things sorted for the final move to a separate house. The children will feel every bit of tension going on between you either way you do things, and you are wise to be taking the time to discuss and try to make moves that suit all going forward.

Just use this information to congratulate yourself on a decision well made. Confirmation that splitting up was completely the right way to go. Onwards and upwards op!

Why on earth is he telling you? Is he vindictive and trying to make you jealous? Or is there another reason he might want to set the scene and control the narrative? She could be younger than 18 or this might not be the first or last time he has spent a night with her. He could be worried this young woman might tell you something else. I would steel yourself for this and finding out worse.
If he is just trying to hurt you by telling you he's sleeping with teenaged women he should leave as that's just nasty. Glad he showed you who he is and you can get divorced knowing

I think you can ask him to do what you like but I’d advise focusing on what will disrupt your and your children’s wellbeing the least.

It’s grim, but he’s a free agent. I don’t think it’s reasonable to agree not to see other people until he moves out. Once you’re finished you’re finished. If anything this has shown you splitting up is the right decision.

The bigger issue is not that the woman was eighteen but that he was drunk.
Was she also drunk?
The father of your children is having sex while not being able to give consent nor able to tell whether the woman is giving consent and that contraception etc. was used..
He could be a rapist.

What type of diseases (or extra siblings) could this man bring home to your children?

You had both agreed on the 'no extra partners until after Christmas' so fair enough that he stays at his parents' due to you not being able to stomach his betrayal of the agreement and his inability to not get drunk.

You are well rid of him.

Oh I would just be disgusted and certainly not want that person in close vicinity of me.

He can sort out his next plan in the comfort of his parents house.

That is not cool at all whilst you are co habiting and had made other agreements.

Well if he had a shred of decency left, he would hopefully realise he had blown the agreement to coexist peacefully until after Christmas to smithereens and take his skanky arse elsewhere

Grim.
Sounds well on the way to a midlife crisis there - the only men who think sleeping with barely adult girls is a win are ones who mentally have checked out of being an adult themselves. She's closer to his daughter's age than his!

Christ, but you're well rid.

I don't blame you for not wanting to look after him. If you think you can boot him out now with upsetting the kids over Christmas then do that. If you can stomach hya presence for another two weeks then fair play to you.

Not at all respectful, given your agreement, but since one of the principle reasons for continuing to share the house for now is your children's welfare you need to remember this.