Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

[Crinklecutnot]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

Surely he knows that given your agreement him sleeping with someone else (of any age) would simply make the split irreversible - maybe he feels it will be easier for him to make you finally end it than for him to finally end it himself.

For goodness sake he was drunk! Your sleeping arrangements are individual. I don't know why he told you, probably because he felt guilty. It doesn't sound as if he was bragging. It is a know fact for staying together 'for the children,' is never good for them because they can sense atmosphere faster than a detection drug dog in a cannabis farm. Just forget it. Give your kids a happy Christmas and stop playing games.

I'm running out of batter so don't have time to read all the responses but if it hasn't been asked already, is there any chance he was trying to make you jealous saying he could even pull a younger woman?

Not between teenagers and women in their late 20's and 30's!

Honestly if you have split and are just working out next separate steps (eg divorce) why not just crack on with it now. It doesn't seem there is any way back for you guys so just crack on. Practically speaking it would be practical to sort out the details of how you split the assets and living arrangements going forwards whilst living together. Use it as an opportunity to move things forward in the permanent breakup - he has sealed the deal. Yes technically he had every right to sleep with whomever as you are split up. However you are also still married and living together so it was disrespectful and even more so to tell you about it. He has done you a favour. Act on it

I don't want laws that inhibit people's sexual freedom in that way. Anyone who has reached the age of consent (especially legal adults) should be able to have consensual sex with whoever they want.

Some people may find it disgusting, but acts should not be illegal on the basis of disgust, but on the basis of harm caused. If all parties are of age and consent, there is no harm.

People can be disgusted all they want, but that doesn't entitle them to infringe or take away other people's liberties.

I'm upset to see so many women on here not disgusted by this husbands actions. A 33 yr old should not be sleeping with an 18yr old as the power dynamic isnt close to being even.
If my 33 yr old husband went after an 18yr old (and yes you can tell) I would consider it disgusting and predatory.

Get him out of the house now, it will do no good having him around. Best to get everything sorted now. Not fair on the kids.

She was in a bar. If she looks under 25 she would be challenged by the bartender and the doormen. It is not unreasonable for him to assume she is over 18 because she would have already had to prove it. Therefore he would know she was and adult although a young adult but an adult old enough to vote, marry, and fight for country if she so wished. It might be unpalatable but if she is a fully consenting adult then he is doing no wrong

You can't have your cake and eat it. You are either together or you are not, if
the case of the latter,
his sex life isnt your business

Revolting. At least you know who / what he is now.

I don’t know why people do this living in the same house thing when they are split up.

Anyway. Why he felt the need to share this gem of info with you is quite baffling.

It’s obvious he’s bragging really. I bet he’s chuffed with himself pulling a younger girl. Men are all about EGO.

let him crack on.

why? its his house too

I laughed out loud at your statement. I was 15 with an ID that said I was 18 and was never once questioned by anyone serving alcohol or letting me into a club or bar. It's disingenuous for a man to reasonably believe a young woman is of age just because she's drinking.

Not any more it isn't. And what would have happened if he had asked for her I
D She would have shown him the same one she had already used to get into the club. So he still would have thought she was 18

I disagree. I think he told you only bc she was under 18 & there might be some trouble about that in the future.

Will he be taking care of the kids full time? Don’t bloody think so. Common sense he goes and they can sort out the financials afterwards. Why would you live with someone you had split up with. Imagine how the kids must feel, what they sense and the impact it will have.

I dont think the law says because someone shagged an 18yo they are not entitled to live in the house that is half theirs, children or not

You can’t really hold to these types of agreements, life moves on. You could go out yourself tomorrow and meet someone special. And it’s not like he brought someone into your home. Perhaps you should both agree to be discreet and keep what you do in your private lives private.

Not sure why your making a scene about it, doesn't matter if your agreed or not while still living in same place...what yous did agree on was your relationship is finished and based on that you can both do what you want without having to explain or justify anything since it's none of the others business now

With regard to her being 18 , obviously far too young , goes without saying .
In his defence, the young ones now , especially the girls , do look like they’re a lot older when dressed up out at night . He was drunk aswel .
He asked for her instagram when he thought she was 22/23 , that’s when he realised she is 18.
I think he told OP cause he feels guilty , easing his conscience , not saying that’s fine just giving a reason as to why he told her .
If things have been working all along i would leave it until after Xmas for the kids sake .

Sorry to hear your marriage didn’t work out OP x

My response has nothing to do with him shagging an 18 year old. My view is the relationship and marriage is done, why are they living together, the reasoning of so they can get arrangements in place is BS, it won’t do anyone any good in the long run.

You are splitting up, how is it any of your business what he does. He hasn't brought anyone back to the home, so l do not see the problem. You cannot control him. He told you, move onl...

I mean I went o pubs and clubs when I was 15 but im 52.i don't think its that easy anymore.

Look at how most of the marriages of members of the royal family worked out - irrespective of their ages. So many divorces.

Look at the divorce rate for all marriages.