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AIBU?

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Original poster

Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

250 replies

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:16

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

OP posts:
LadyRoughDiamond · 04/12/2025 19:28

Well, if you were ever having doubts about splitting, he has now confirmed that you’ve made the right decision for both you and your children.

All you can do here is move forward with your life safe in the knowledge that he’s no longer your responsibility.

Cucy · 04/12/2025 19:30

Andromed1 · 04/12/2025 19:23

Why would he be afraid? Some people would roll their eyes but he's done nothing wrong (if it happened in the UK and the young woman consented). He's broken his promise to his STBX but clearly doesn't think that mattes much.

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It could be that he is in a relationship with someone else and he doesn’t want OP knowing as then she’d kick him out.

The oldest trick in the book is admitting something they feel ‘shame’ about, hoping that no other questions will be asked.

There was definitely an ulterior motive for him telling her.

CantBreathe90 · 04/12/2025 19:31

Weird that he told you? Either way, I'd stick to your original plan re moving out etc. It's irrelevant whether you like or respect him, as you are essentially now flatmates. Unless he's doing something wildly inconsiderate in the space you share, or doing something damaging or neglectful with your children, it's really none of your business.

suburberphobe · 04/12/2025 19:32

I guess it’s as we had an agreement not to see anyone else until we got our own places, so in a sense he did break that deal, which we made out of respect to each other.

Yea, and life is what happens while making other plans.

Sorry you're hurting OP.

I love being divorced. No need to put up with men's crap.

InterestedDad37 · 04/12/2025 19:32

If he was willing to tell you she is 18, you can bet she's actually younger. He doesn't care, and is probably quite proud of getting someone much younger into bed. Send him packing 👍

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 04/12/2025 19:32

@MaeTeekay14
Does it matter if he's asked for her IG? Maybe they got on? Also, I don't understand what the issue is with him sleeping with an 18 year old, and I certainly can't understand where the disgust comes from. I appreciate she's younger than him but she's not a child. I think it's really excessive to ask him to leave for sleeping with someone when you're literally no longer together. I would 100% be behind you if he slept with this young lady in your home. But I really do think this is a big fuss over nothing

Absolutely agree. She's 18 (looks older) and he's 33 (could look younger) but the age difference for ine night is hardly 'grim' and 'repulsive' like some think on here.

Who was the person initiating the split @Crinklecutnot?

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 19:33

Andromed1 · 04/12/2025 19:23

Why would he be afraid? Some people would roll their eyes but he's done nothing wrong (if it happened in the UK and the young woman consented). He's broken his promise to his STBX but clearly doesn't think that mattes much.

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And if she's 18...

NemesisInferior · 04/12/2025 19:34

The age of the consenting, legal woman he slept with is irrelevant really.

I think it best for all involved that he move out, which he probably should have done to start with. It's not going to do you any good for him to stay, and once you had decided to split you can't really dictate whether either partner decides to see other people.

ParmaVioletTea · 04/12/2025 19:34

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

YANBU.

But at least you know who he really is. And that your marriage split is not because of you or anything you did. He's just a dick.

Beeloux · 04/12/2025 19:36

He’s told you to make you jealous.

Stupid man probably thinks it shows him as still desirable that a drunk 18 year old found him attractive. Really it just makes him look like a pervert.

There was no valid reason for him to tell you. He was also planning on meeting her again seeing as he took her instagram.

Pinkosand · 04/12/2025 19:37

I personally think it's rank considering you're both still sharing a living space and putting on "happy families" for the children. Completely disrespectful. I couldn't continue to live under the same roof after this, he's be out immediately.

Doseofreality · 04/12/2025 19:37

No way was that a hook up with some random girl. It’s someone he works with and that’s why he’s told you, probably because she’s threatening to.

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 19:37

Why on earth are people on this thread believing the (D)H?

Why would he tell the OP? Don't bother with the emotional psyops. The only reason he would tell the OP is if he thought he was about to be caught out in something. So he quickly says "I thought she was older!!" and then magically, the age she (apparently) turns out to be is - 18.

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 19:38

Doseofreality · 04/12/2025 19:37

No way was that a hook up with some random girl. It’s someone he works with and that’s why he’s told you, probably because she’s threatening to.

This is the only other explanation.

He has not told the OP to "make her jealous" 🙄

harriethoyle · 04/12/2025 19:39

He’s single. He slept with a consenting adult.

Don’t punish your children by restricting their access to their father because you’re feeling salty that he got his leg over.

notacooldad · 04/12/2025 19:44

I can understand you being upset that he told you he slept with someone else. It would be interesting to know why and how that came up especially adding the bit that he has her IG details.

I don't get the outrage re her age. That's a none issue for me and I don't find it 'grim' or 'grubby'

The agreement sounds a bit of a waste of time if you are split up. It would be better to say if you are going to shag someone, don't bring them back to the house and don't let the kids know dad or mum has a new gf/bf what ever the case maybe.

If my 30-odd year old husband had come home from a drunken night out and told me he’d slept with an 18 year old and got her IG the next morning, that would kill my respect for him immediately Presumably be he would be on his way to becoming an ex husband. It would be if it was mine. What you have said is different. The OP is split up from her DH. They are both free agents but I understand how it would hurt as the split is still relatively recent.

puppymaddness · 04/12/2025 19:46

Andromed1 · 04/12/2025 19:23

Why would he be afraid? Some people would roll their eyes but he's done nothing wrong (if it happened in the UK and the young woman consented). He's broken his promise to his STBX but clearly doesn't think that mattes much.

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but he's done nothing wrong

Sure, he's done nothing criminal if that's your bar...
Hes a man in his 30s, she's a teenager. At 18 , she may well be still in school. 🤮

OP he sounds utterly gross and his behaviour is thoroughly disrespectful to the agreement you had. I'd 100% kick the creep out.

PollyBell · 04/12/2025 19:47

What's best for the children? Do that

5128gap · 04/12/2025 19:50

I think you do need to be apart. Because while you're under the same roof acting as a family, you're not adjusting to being separate individuals. By rights you should never have had to know about this, he should be away from you doing whatever he does, with you none the wiser. As it is, he's run home like a cat after a night on the prowl to tell you all about it, which naturally doesn't feel comfortable.
I think trying to get through one of the most emotive times of year in this half life is going to be worse than grasping the nettle. Particularly as you are now understandably disgusted by him. Which will be hard to hide.

MrsJeanLuc · 04/12/2025 19:51

MrsPrendergast · 04/12/2025 18:25

Why does he have to move out? He's done nothing wrong AT ALL as far as I can see

Apart from being a sleazy scumbag!
But op probably knew that already.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 04/12/2025 19:53

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:28

Yes this is how I view it. He is in London monthly at least for work, and we don’t live so far away that he couldn’t feasibly see someone from London. Why would he ask for her instagram if he didn’t plan to see her again?
He also told me so he obviously feels as though it was in breach of our agreement.

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He didn’t need to tell you. That’s being a dick. Was he looking for reassurance that he’s not some kind of creep going just legal women? Urgh

JayJayj · 04/12/2025 19:54

It’s really gross. I find it disgusting how older men always go for such young girls.

Flux1 · 04/12/2025 19:55

As the mother of an 18 year old, I would be disgusted by him. And if she is claiming to be 18 on Instagram she may actually be younger. Not good enough to claim to be too drunk to have asked. That wouldn't stand up in court.

PollyBell · 04/12/2025 19:57

JayJayj · 04/12/2025 19:54

It’s really gross. I find it disgusting how older men always go for such young girls.

Go for, as in she had no say in the matter? she was 18 and he was single

Why does an 18 yo sleep with older men, not needing an answer but it works both ways

18 yo are required by their parents, schools, unis, employers to act like an adult bit when they do an adult thing 'they are a child they don't know what they are doing'

Bambamhoohoo · 04/12/2025 19:57

PollyBell · 04/12/2025 19:57

Go for, as in she had no say in the matter? she was 18 and he was single

Why does an 18 yo sleep with older men, not needing an answer but it works both ways

18 yo are required by their parents, schools, unis, employers to act like an adult bit when they do an adult thing 'they are a child they don't know what they are doing'

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She was probably just battered

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