Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

[Crinklecutnot]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

I agree.

I agree that he told you to make you jealous.
You've split up, so he had no other reason to tell you. Scumbag.

The cutoff is half the older age plus 7. He has gone too low.

So could I when I was 15.

But that was 33 years ago when things weren’t as stringent as they are now.

Things and times have changed.

Why are you having a go at the op? If it’s none of her business then he should keep his mouth shut and not come home telling her he was shagging an 18 year old. He didn’t have to say anything but he chose to.

It's grim and I wouldn't be playing happy families with him. However you have no legal right to kick him out so you are stuck in the same house for the foreseeable. Prioritise the kids, maybe try and do separate Christmas outings with them and separate trips to family - you take them to see yours and he takes them to see his - starts a pattern of separation and reduces the time you spend together. Plus see a divorce lawyer ASAP

Whatever his reason for telling you, it was a bad move on his part regardless.

The question I think you have to ask yourself, is what do you want Christmas to look like for your children?

You said you were leaving things until after Christmas, so there was less disruption for the children over the Christmas period. But wouldn’t asking him to leave sooner cause the exact disruption you were trying to avoid?

You’re entitled to feel however you wish at his behaviour, (and I don’t think he technically broke any agreement you had. Plus, I think that agreement wasn’t a great one to have in place anyway), but I guess the main thing you have to think about is what is best for your children.

If you’re struggling with this, then will they sense tension if he’s there, making it difficult for them anyway?

Will they be more upset that their Dad isn’t there at Christmas with them?

Legally, he doesn’t have to leave the home if he co-owns it. So if he chooses not to leave, how are you going to manage your feelings about that, around your children?

Good shout

I think it was silly to make such an agreement when you have already separated(since September?) So a good few months. I partly understand why you would chose to live in the same home until after Christmas but in all honesty pro longing the inevitable is worse on both of you but even more so on the children.
You may assume they do not know you are separated but children are incredibly intuitive. Its happened now and all you can do is stay separated properly and co parent effectively.

You are a better person than me for even responding to that mad post. I have read plenty nonsense on here over the years but making it illegal has to be up there so I read it and just rolled my eyes, but yes, you are 100% correct.

Of course I’d end up agreeing with you 😅

Every single post she writes is utter nonsense.

Clearly jealous that he bagged a younger model

you've split up, he can do what he wants

So 23? The age he thought she was.

Never thought that equation really works

I agreed with your earlier post too 😂

Standard for us 🤣

What a load of bollocks 😂

Hey op I get he broke his agreement but if he stays in his parents until after Christmas how are you going to explain the situation to your kids you might as well split properly now.

I don't think thats the case at all. I personally think no male or female that is 33 should sleep with an 18 year old. I find it disgusting, especially as I was groomed.
However she is an adult, and he didn't believe she was 18, whilst you can argue that isn't the case you don't know that for sure. I have kids ranging from age 25, 22, 19 and 17 and I would say two look their age and two look younger. Everyone thinks my 17 year old is at least 20. Everyone ages differently so she may very well look the age he thought she was.
The main issue is that this relationship was already over. I really dont think there is much relevance to her age(unless she was actually a minor) OP would have been in the exact same situation even if she was 40. Yes its morally kind of disgusting but its not illegal.

I'm upset to see so many women on here not disgusted by this husbands actions. A 33 yr old should not be sleeping with an 18yr old as the power dynamic isnt close to being even.
If my 33 yr old husband went after an 18yr old (and yes you can tell) I would consider it disgusting and predatory.

Im not seeing the problem if it was a ONS or just a casual thing.

He hasnt groomed her. She is two years over the legal age of consent. Why make out she is being taken advantage of.

She is a fully functioning adult that can do adult things, with consent, to who ever she wants to.

It would be a different scenario if he coerced her into having sex or she had some sort of vulnerability. That would be despicable and unacceptable. However two adults doing their thing is not a big deal imo.

What power dynamic are you talking about? For all we know the woman may have seen him.as a soft target to get drinks from and see what else she could get. She wouldnt be the first or last to do so.

*OonaStubbs · 05/12/2025 21:20
There needs to be a change in the law. It should not be legal for a 33 year old man to have sex with an 18 year old girl. Or vice versa. The "half your age plus seven) rule needs to be enshrined into law.

Maths not your strongnpoint Oona?

I dont think you understand. Half his age plus 7 would be 23. 5, so by her reckoning this 18 year old would be 5. 5 years too young.Nothing wrong with her maths! Hiwever I don't agree with this poster at all. Who wants a nanny state getting involved in tge sex life of adult women?

Carycach4
I dont think you understand. Half his age plus 7 would be 23. 5, so by her reckoning this 18 year old would be 5. 5 years too young.Nothing wrong with her maths!,

Im having a really thick moment understanding.
That poster was saying there shouldn't be an age gap over 7 years, right?
In which case guy is 33 ÷by 2 =16.5 +7 =23.5years. The woman is 18, therefore there is a less than 7 year gap.so using that calculation there shouldn't be a problem in the eyes if the poster who came up with that.

The extent to which you have misuderstood is quite startling.

Nobody is saying there shouldn't be an age gap over seven years. They are saying that the youngest age a person should date should be half their own age plus seven. So if you are forty years old, you shouldn't date anyone younger than twenty-seven (half your own age is twenty, and add seven to that.)

It's a daft rule - following it, a fifty-year-old wouldn't be able to date a thirty-year old, but four years later, they would.

Anyway, you also seem to be confused about the age gap, between the OP's soon-to-be-ex and the woman he slept with, seeing as you describe it as "a less than 7 year gap".

He is 33. She is 18. The age gap is fifteen years.

What you appear to be doing is taking the difference between the woman's actual age (18) and half the man's age plus seven (23.5). That isn't the age gap - that's how far she is below the minimum age he should be dating (according to that formula).

Making that formula into law is an absolutely stupid idea, but not because of maths.

Anyway, you also seem to be confused about the age gap, between the OP's soon-to-be-ex and the woman he slept with, seeing as you describe it as "a less than 7 year gap".
I know what they age gag is. I was going off what a previous poster had said.
I didnt agree with her theory and the thought of her formula being made law was just absurd.

"It's a daft rule - following it, a fifty-year-old wouldn't be able to date a thirty-year old, but four years later, they would."

Why is it daft. Currently a 20 year old wouldn't be able to date a 14 year old but 4 years later, they would.

A ten year age gap between a 30 and 20 year old is different to a 10 year age gap between a 50 year old and a 40 year old. Because ten years is half the life of a 20 year old, but only a quarter of the life of a 40 year old, so it's not as extreme.

The half your age plus seven rule should DEFINITELY be enshrined into law, and I can't believe it hasn't been already. It would solve so many problems.

While he can sleep with who he likes it is grubby and a masterclass in what you’ve escaped. He told you to upset you. He told you because he feels embarrassed and you’re his go to for emotional support - split or not. Time to not give a toss OP. Close the emotional bank account. Make plans for Christmas (show him what he will miss by doing what you like well). He’s a moron.