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AIBU?

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Original poster

Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

250 replies

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:16

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 21:52

You’ve split up. He can sleep with whoever he wants. It’s not up to you to decide who’s acceptable for him to have a one night stand with and who isn’t.

He isn’t ’seeing’ anyone and he isn’t cheating on you. He is a single man who had a one night stand with an adult woman. I don’t see why it’s disrespectful.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2025 21:54

Just ignore him.

He's trying to hurt you by telling you.

IBorAlevels · 04/12/2025 21:55

I think the best way to deal with this is to actually show him how much of the ick it has given you, by ribbing him about it. Make him realise that far from being jealous of his barely legal conquest, you pity him that this is what his life has become, the cliche of the desperately aging man.

DinoDoughnut81 · 04/12/2025 21:57

Doseofreality · 04/12/2025 19:37

No way was that a hook up with some random girl. It’s someone he works with and that’s why he’s told you, probably because she’s threatening to.

Agree with this. He works with or has connected with this girl previously and he's trying to get in first by telling you about a "one night stand". More going on. Well rid.

BunnyLake · 04/12/2025 22:04

Tell him he’s not to bring any of his one night stands home then just look forward to him moving out.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 22:07

RampantIvy · 04/12/2025 18:41

Gosh. There are some really cool mumsnetters on here.

I think he told the OP to get a rise out of her. It was a horrible thing to do.

The fact that they have parted ways doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when the ex has pulled. I'm surprised that so many posters can switch off their feelings so easily.

I think you’re misunderstanding the point of view of the people who say he’s done nothing wrong.

Nobody is saying they wouldn’t feel hurt or angry if their ex slept with someone else in these circumstances. But just because they feel hurt and angry, that still doesn’t mean the ex, who is a single man, has done anything wrong.

Personally, I think continuing to live together after splitting up is asking for trouble anyway, and I’d never agree to it if there was any other option. But if a couple does do that, they can’t expect things to carry on under the same terms as if they were still together.

I think if I’d just split up with my partner and still had to bloody live with him and was away for work, a one-night-stand with a hot bloke I’d met in a bar would cheer me right up, to be honest.

KaleidoscopeSmile · 04/12/2025 22:39

What's this asking for her instagram after having an ONS the night before. Is that a thing?

And if it is, why?

DaniO2 · 04/12/2025 23:03

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 22:07

I think you’re misunderstanding the point of view of the people who say he’s done nothing wrong.

Nobody is saying they wouldn’t feel hurt or angry if their ex slept with someone else in these circumstances. But just because they feel hurt and angry, that still doesn’t mean the ex, who is a single man, has done anything wrong.

Personally, I think continuing to live together after splitting up is asking for trouble anyway, and I’d never agree to it if there was any other option. But if a couple does do that, they can’t expect things to carry on under the same terms as if they were still together.

I think if I’d just split up with my partner and still had to bloody live with him and was away for work, a one-night-stand with a hot bloke I’d met in a bar would cheer me right up, to be honest.

Show quote history

I'm just horrified that he apparently "found out" she was 18 after shagging her. That whole concept creeps me out. A random hook up with someone so much younger is creepy anyway, and at eighteen she could be still at school doing her A-levels. Who knows if she told him the truth about her age?

What if she turned out to be even younger? He didn't take the time to find out how old she was before sleeping with her, and that's just asking for trouble.

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 04/12/2025 23:23

Op your well rid tbh on a break or not I couldn't accept a man back who fucked someone else just leave it ended and go from their

MissRaspberry · 04/12/2025 23:23

I get you're annoyed but you've split up and happen to still live together. At least he didn't bring this woman home and sleep with her under your roof. She's young but she's not an underage child. He's probably purposely told you not out of guilt due to her being a much younger woman but more so to get a reaction out of you. Doesn't sound like a good idea to continue living together. You can't really expect each other to not move on when you're both technically single now

Lamentingalways · 04/12/2025 23:28

Gross. And even if you’re split he can’t want you back that badly can he? Also, he wanted to see her again because he asked for her Instagram. Not exactly crying over you is he?

Get rid if you can.

Purplerubberducky · 04/12/2025 23:46

Disgusting. Basically a child. He is vile, I would have lost all respect and be concerned about his lack of morals/ be embarrassed to even know him. You are not being unreasonable. Anyone who says you are is living in a dream land and pretending they see teenagers as adults

TippityTappity2 · 05/12/2025 00:02

It seems strange that he told you. Perhaps he’s more concerned about her age than he’s letting on? The fact that he didn’t know how old she was before engaging in sexual activity with her is actually really concerning. Drunk or not. You’re not being unreasonable about this. Regardless of whether you’ve split or not, that behaviour isn’t ok. He’s living under the same roof as you and your children and drunkenly had a one night stand with someone who’s barely an adult. Very risky.

briq · 05/12/2025 00:09

So he had too much integrity to keep his mouth shut about sleeping with someone else before moving out (despite an agreement between the two of you), but not enough integrity to abstain for another month or so.

I'd be angrier that he slept with anyone and then felt the need to tell me all about it than that she was 18. She was a consenting adult, however young. Would it really be much nicer of a situation if he'd slept with some random woman his own age?

As for whether or not to try to get him out of the house immediately, you should do what's best for your children. Realistically, if he'll be moving out soon anyway, I'd suggest hurrying it along, but it doesn't have to be right this instant, regardless of how you feel about him. If the plan was to move out after Christmas, it's only a few weeks' difference, either way.

TippityTappity2 · 05/12/2025 00:10

BauhausOfEliott · 04/12/2025 22:07

I think you’re misunderstanding the point of view of the people who say he’s done nothing wrong.

Nobody is saying they wouldn’t feel hurt or angry if their ex slept with someone else in these circumstances. But just because they feel hurt and angry, that still doesn’t mean the ex, who is a single man, has done anything wrong.

Personally, I think continuing to live together after splitting up is asking for trouble anyway, and I’d never agree to it if there was any other option. But if a couple does do that, they can’t expect things to carry on under the same terms as if they were still together.

I think if I’d just split up with my partner and still had to bloody live with him and was away for work, a one-night-stand with a hot bloke I’d met in a bar would cheer me right up, to be honest.

Show quote history

Legally (as long as the person was consenting and of age) he hasn’t done anything wrong. Morally? He’s all the shades of shit in my opinion. He was apparently too drunk to make a sound decision which potentially means that the other party was drunk also! A 30 plus year old man having sex with a teenager is vile. Even more so when there’s alcohol involved. He’s lived twice the life she has. Clearly doesn’t have twice the sense though.

Mothership4two · 05/12/2025 00:16

I think your agreement to not start new relationships for four months was unrealistic. He's oversharing his personal life with you. You stayed together for the sake of the children and it seems to have been working out so far, so personally I would let the next few weeks slide. But that might be too painful for you OP? Although if you jointly own your property I'm not sure what you can do about it?

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/12/2025 00:23

Why is it complicated ?

you have split up

both free to do what you want

if she was 30 would you still be peeved / or is it the age of her more.

least she is over 16

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 05/12/2025 00:44

Yuck!! Good riddance to him OP! 18yr olds look like babies to sane adults. BS he didn’t know she was very young.

Netcurtainnelly · 05/12/2025 00:56

How do you know its true?
Also why bring age into.it?
Dosent matter if she's 18, 28 or 48.

Goldwren1923 · 05/12/2025 02:39

I don’t understand what the problem is. She’s 18.
are you denying another woman her agency?
check your misogyny

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/12/2025 02:47

DorisTheFinkasaurus · 04/12/2025 18:32

God knows why he needed to share this with you. What a ridiculous man.
Don't allow him to vent or share with you. His business is no longer yours. He can't just go out shagging whomever then come on home and spill his guts to you, his ex. Set some boundaries, OP, for your own sanity.

Start mentally preparing to leave your family home. You will likely have to sell it in a divorce at any rate. The sooner you start mentally letting go, the better chance you have of truly moving on and putting this marriage behind you.
Don't get stuck living with your ex husband for years under one roof 'for the sake of the kids'. Don't do that to yourself. Start mentally preparing yourself to really leave this marriage behind. It's sooo hard, I know (been there... twice! Not proud) , but don't be tempted to keep things locked in a holding pattern for the kids' sake. It's messy and not a good situation for you. Be nice to you above all! Because no one else will be. 💐

I don't understand your last sentence. Loads of people are kind to me so why wouldn't they be kind to OP?

notallwhowanderare · 05/12/2025 03:39

It's not remotely complicated. He's a creepy bastard. Kick him out, never speak to him again.

teletubs · 05/12/2025 04:55

Men are grim. An 18 year old and he wants to see her again if he wants her instagram, or to gawp at her pics

Andromed1 · 05/12/2025 06:59

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 19:33

And if she's 18...

Show quote history

16 is still legal. Im not defending the way he's treated OP but we have no reason to suspect he's done anything awful to the person he had a one night stand with.

Franklyannoyed · 05/12/2025 08:06

teletubs · 05/12/2025 04:55

Men are grim. An 18 year old and he wants to see her again if he wants her instagram, or to gawp at her pics

To be fair it doesn’t appear he knew she was 18 until he asked for her insta. And doesn’t appear to want to see her again due to it, he was also drunk and it was on a night out. We all know when done up for a night out it can be very difficult to know someone’s age. You’re posting like he knew and wants to see her knowing and thay doesn’t appear to be correct.

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