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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Complicated situation but he slept with an 18 year old

250 replies

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:16

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, he is 33, we have 2 DC who are 4 and 2. Since September we have been “split” but still living together, we decided for various reasons to wait until after Christmas, mainly as we both needed time to sort our next plan out and we didn’t want to interrupt our children when DS had just started school, most of the family aren’t aware but our parents are. We sleep in different rooms but have been otherwise functioning as normal for the children.
Last week he was away for work, Wednesday to Friday. Last night he told me that on the Thursday night everyone went out to a bar and he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel took, he said he was incredibly drunk and only found out after that she was 18. I asked why he didn’t ask her age earlier and he told me it just didn’t occur to him, he was drunk, she looked about 22-23. He claims he only found out her age when he asked for her instagram in the morning.
He says he told me as while we are split we did both agree we wouldn’t be seeing anyone new until we had moved into our own places in the new year.

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt exactly but I’m definitely feeling like I’ve lost all respect for him, I can’t imagine sleeping with someone who is 25 let alone 18!

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

AIBU to think this was a disgusting and disrespectful decision on his part and to suggest he leaves earlier than planned?

OP posts:
CandyCaneKisses · 04/12/2025 18:45

You’ve split up and made the plan for a reason. You can’t really change it at the drop of the hat because you’ve decided you don’t like him
being single.

MincePudding · 04/12/2025 18:52

I think you're asking the wrong question.

Why has he told you?

Zanatdy · 04/12/2025 18:52

Assume your agreement meant not getting into relationships until you are living separately. A one night stand is different imo. He is single, and she is a consenting adult. Bit odd asking him to leave. Assume it’s more that you’re hurt / jealous as he isn’t in a relationship with this woman or bringing her to the family home.

Ohhhtheshameofit · 04/12/2025 18:52

It makes him look like a saddo but other than that? She was of age, you’ve split up and if his intention was to make you jealous or want him back? That’s back fired!
I think a sarcastic “how nice” would suffice.

MincePudding · 04/12/2025 18:54

Whatever the reason, its a good thing. Its shown you early who you are divorcing. His word means nothing so don't rely on him being honest or fair.

Arlanymor · 04/12/2025 18:54

CarolHolly · 04/12/2025 18:43

If my 30-odd year old husband had come home from a drunken night out and told me he’d slept with an 18 year old and got her IG the next morning, that would kill my respect for him immediately.

Show quote history

Same - it’s about being cool - if something is gross then game over. Light switch moment.

Andromed1 · 04/12/2025 18:55

It's bad that he broke your agreement, but presumably the 18 year old consented to sex and it's no worse than having sex with any other adult. Hope you get your arrangements to split sorted out amicably because it sounds grim living with him and risking hearing another 'confession'.

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 19:01

There's something else going on here OP. He's only told you because he was afraid of being found out.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/12/2025 19:01

"I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating."
It doesn't matter whether it's cheating or not. By his actions he has made the atmosphere in your house very uncomfortable, and children aged 2 and 4 will pick up on that. For their sake, he should put on his Big Boy Pants and move to his parents'.

Laura95167 · 04/12/2025 19:02

God dare I ask... definitely 18?

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 19:03

Laura95167 · 04/12/2025 19:02

God dare I ask... definitely 18?

My thoughts exactly. There's something else going on here.

No man in this situation would willingly admit to what he has done, for no reason.

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 19:05

Or else he's connected with her on IG, she's seen his profile, done a little light blackmail...

Abracadabrador · 04/12/2025 19:08

You can't ask him to leave the house, it's a marital asset. Will you be buying him out?

Howdiditenduplikeit · 04/12/2025 19:12

The posters saying he’s done nothing wrong are insane.

he’s gross - you’re well rid

Cucy · 04/12/2025 19:12

MincePudding · 04/12/2025 18:52

I think you're asking the wrong question.

Why has he told you?

This!

Gently OP, you seem a little naive.
He’s playing you!

So you’re officially separated but you’re not doing anything with any other man yet he is shagging other women - he’s got you right where he wants you.

Why would he tell you?
What is the reason of going into detail about her age?
Why, if he feels so bad, is he not on his knees begging for you back?

Usernameunavailableagain12 · 04/12/2025 19:14

I think it’s irrelevant that you’ve split I would find it really disrespectful that he’s come home discussing who’s he’s shagging whilst you’ve been looking after his kids for most the week. I would do exactly as you have done and ask him to leave. He sounds disrespectful.

ScholesPanda · 04/12/2025 19:14

You're separated. You're getting divorced.

I think it's feasible to ask him not to bring anyone back to the house. I don't think you can stop him seeing people outside the house.

Sorry OP, I do understand this must all be very upsetting and it's a difficult time, but you might as well go easy on yourself and lower your expectations of his behaviour. 💐

pinkyredrose · 04/12/2025 19:16

I’ve suggested he goes and stays with his parents until Christmas is over as I don’t really want to look at him. He claims that’s unfair as we are split so it’s not cheating.

He's right.

ACynicalDad · 04/12/2025 19:19

Not nice but it’s bit like he bright her home. I don’t think much changes.

Andromed1 · 04/12/2025 19:23

MowingMachine · 04/12/2025 19:01

There's something else going on here OP. He's only told you because he was afraid of being found out.

Why would he be afraid? Some people would roll their eyes but he's done nothing wrong (if it happened in the UK and the young woman consented). He's broken his promise to his STBX but clearly doesn't think that mattes much.

newbluesofa · 04/12/2025 19:23

YANBU to be disgusted by it, but I don't think he should move out. The reasons of staying in the house until after Christmas for your children is still valid I think

Sassylovesbooks · 04/12/2025 19:24

The woman is an adult (even if it's just) and he's also a grown adult, and both had a consensual ONS. Your agreement is that you both don't start seeing someone whilst you're still living together in the family home. I understand that, it's not practical and it starts making life messy. However, you are separated, and in essence he can have sex with whoever he wants. He's not seeing her, as such, although if she hadn't turned out to be 18, he may have decided too. As it stands, he's not broken any agreement between you, he's not 'seeing' anyone. My only reasoning on why he told you about this encounter, is simply because he wanted a reaction and for you to know he's still attractive to the opposite sex. Who's decision was it to split? His, yours or mutual? What is your priority here? Staying together until after Christmas, to give your children one last family Christmas? Or for your husband to move out? You can't have both. It's one or the other, and that's assuming he'll move out earlier than planned, if the house is jointly owned/tenency, you can't force him too.

usedtobeaylis · 04/12/2025 19:24

Crinklecutnot · 04/12/2025 18:23

I guess it’s as we had an agreement not to see anyone else until we got our own places, so in a sense he did break that deal, which we made out of respect to each other.

Show quote history

For this reason he should move out. He went back on your agreement, and agreement that was made to facilitate a plan and not disrupt the children. YANBU. At all.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/12/2025 19:24

Regardless of whether it is cheating or not, he really should have gone to stay elsewhere at the point of separation not in a couple of months. Why he told you who knows
Maybe he thought someone else would if people don't know you are separated. Asking for her IG could be because he wants to see her again or equally because he doesn't but didn't want to tell her that to her face.

Bookpage · 04/12/2025 19:26

I think you're right about loss off respect etc and I agree he's told you just to make you jealous, but I don't think it makes any difference to your situation. If you're seperated, who he sleeps with is none of your business. Which is something he should also respect by not telling you.