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AIBU?

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Original poster

What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

343 replies

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:10

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

OP posts:
justpassmethemouse · 04/12/2025 17:12

Is he going to be posting his travels on a TikTok/other social media? Or is there likely to be a family Whatsapp group he may send pics in?

If not, I’d say a photo swap every few days sounds reasonable. You can share the bleak weather here and he can send back one of his amazing views.

Elektra1 · 04/12/2025 17:12

I was married with a kid when I was 25. So I’d say what’s reasonable is whatever he wants. But when my 21 year old DD recently went alone to the US I asked her to keep her Find My Friends on, which she did. If she’d turned it off obviously that would have been her choice but she left it on and answered the phone or called me back when I rang. She had a blast.

Remind him not to accept free/cheap spirit based drinks.

paradisecircus · 04/12/2025 17:13

Takes me back...the challenges of trying to find a public phone whilst backpacking in places like that!

I guess with the communication methods we have nowadays...message once a day?

blankcanvas3 · 04/12/2025 17:15

We have an extended family WhatsApp group with about 10 of us in, and travelling parties have always kept in touch far more than I thought they would, just sending pics of what they did that day etc so he might surprise you! 25 year old cousin went to Vietnam recently and we heard from her everyday.

Geneticsbunny · 04/12/2025 17:16

Gently, he is an adult. It is sensible for him to check in with someone regularly but it doesn't need to be you and he can work out what regularly means.

Original poster
DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:17

Elektra1 · 04/12/2025 17:12

I was married with a kid when I was 25. So I’d say what’s reasonable is whatever he wants. But when my 21 year old DD recently went alone to the US I asked her to keep her Find My Friends on, which she did. If she’d turned it off obviously that would have been her choice but she left it on and answered the phone or called me back when I rang. She had a blast.

Remind him not to accept free/cheap spirit based drinks.

Yes that’s my dilemma… and probably many parents like me. Is the world the same place? Are kids the same? We are so connected now so what is reasonable.

We have had the alcohol/drugs discussion and whilst he listened he did do what most youngsters do and roll their eyes like they know everything already…

Not much of a social media user.

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 04/12/2025 17:17

My22 year old DS is currently in Thailand. 2 nd trip. He whatsapps each day ( usually to check on the cars) but isn't obliged to

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/12/2025 17:18

I think it's reasonable to ask him if he's alright every 2-3 days if you want to know rather than expect him to check in.

ScaryM0nster · 04/12/2025 17:18

Whatever gaps he feels he would want you to phone the embassy after.

Original poster
DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:18

ScaryM0nster · 04/12/2025 17:18

Whatever gaps he feels he would want you to phone the embassy after.

That’s hectic 😂

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 04/12/2025 17:20

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:17

Yes that’s my dilemma… and probably many parents like me. Is the world the same place? Are kids the same? We are so connected now so what is reasonable.

We have had the alcohol/drugs discussion and whilst he listened he did do what most youngsters do and roll their eyes like they know everything already…

Not much of a social media user.

Show quote history

As parents we never stop worrying. But think of yourself at the same age. I went to South America at 19 for several months. There was no WhatsApp then and even phone calls were so expensive. I called my parents once a week for 10 mins. They had no clue when I took myself off round Bolivia and separated from my travel mates because we wanted to do different things. I went off into the cloud forest, met fellow travellers, went off into the forest and found what must have been a coca processing factory - there were men with semi automatic weapons outside. We beat a hasty retreat like the sensible life-preserving kids we were and all was well. At 25 he’s got to spread his wings and he will have a wonderful time. Hold your nerve. But also put him on Emergency Bypass on your phone and ask him to do the same. But don’t abuse it!

DallasMajor · 04/12/2025 17:21

You can not demand another adult keeps to your imposed schedule - you have to let them spread their wings.

The fact you think you can control this because you paid for it as a 'gift' makes it worse.

Have a point of check in is one thing, but expecting daily updates is too much

saraclara · 04/12/2025 17:21

He's 25! Good grief. You wait for him to decide what he wants to do in that regard. You don't check in with him at all, unless he wants you to. As for the poster tracking their adult offspring while they're traveling, words fail me!

Seriously, it's really worrying that adults in their mid twenties are being infantilised this way.

Original poster
DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:22

DallasMajor · 04/12/2025 17:21

You can not demand another adult keeps to your imposed schedule - you have to let them spread their wings.

The fact you think you can control this because you paid for it as a 'gift' makes it worse.

Have a point of check in is one thing, but expecting daily updates is too much

Never said I expected anything. Was just asking what other people would feel is reasonable just for peace of mind.

OP posts:
DallasMajor · 04/12/2025 17:23

We have had the alcohol/drugs discussion and whilst he listened he did do what most youngsters do and roll their eyes like they know everything already…

This has to be a wind up. He is 25 not 12.

EverardDeTroyes · 04/12/2025 17:24

My dd, also 25, does a fair bit of solo travelling. She voluntarily communicates pretty much every day because she knows I worry about her. I'm lucky I don't have to ask her to do this. I am aware that I have no right to expect it.

With your son, I don't know. I think it is better that you mutually agree something rather than you ask him to send regular communications. So, whatever he feels is fair. Once a week, twice a week, every other day, every day, whatever he suggests. I don't really think the fact you have contributed to the travel is relevant really.

DaisyChain505 · 04/12/2025 17:24

He’s 25 not 17. This isn’t something you can negotiate with him or try to dictate. If he wants to be in touch he’ll be in touch.

All you can do is tell him to stay safe, have fun and check in when he can. That leaves it open to him as to how often he does that without feeling the pressure that he owes you something.

saraclara · 04/12/2025 17:24

DaisyChain505 · 04/12/2025 17:24

He’s 25 not 17. This isn’t something you can negotiate with him or try to dictate. If he wants to be in touch he’ll be in touch.

All you can do is tell him to stay safe, have fun and check in when he can. That leaves it open to him as to how often he does that without feeling the pressure that he owes you something.

Edited

Exactly that.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 04/12/2025 17:26

I think at less than 25, more like 20 you need to accept that your young adult child will contact you on pretty much their own terms. Don’t impose expectations

cobrakaieaglefang · 04/12/2025 17:26

Id say a once a week WhatsApp please..although my DS was sharing pics every 2 minutes lol

Original poster
DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:26

DallasMajor · 04/12/2025 17:23

We have had the alcohol/drugs discussion and whilst he listened he did do what most youngsters do and roll their eyes like they know everything already…

This has to be a wind up. He is 25 not 12.

Really? You think reminding a young adult about the dangers of accepting packages from strangers and keeping your eye on your belongings is unreasonable? You think that reminding a youngster travelling on a budget to avoid cheap alcohol because of the very recent cases of methanol poisoning and deaths?

I would feel very irresponsible not mentioning those things. God, I’d even tell you that.

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 04/12/2025 17:27

He's 25 - he doesn't need "parenting" or to "check in". He contacts you at a time/frequency of his choice.

KittyFinlay · 04/12/2025 17:27

He is a full grown man ffs. He will call you when he wants to and you have to get right with that.

LighthouseLED · 04/12/2025 17:27

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:26

Really? You think reminding a young adult about the dangers of accepting packages from strangers and keeping your eye on your belongings is unreasonable? You think that reminding a youngster travelling on a budget to avoid cheap alcohol because of the very recent cases of methanol poisoning and deaths?

I would feel very irresponsible not mentioning those things. God, I’d even tell you that.

Show quote history

25 is hardly a “youngster”. You need to cut the apron strings. He’s a fully grown adult.

Original poster
DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:28

All of you who are berating me for asking a simple question. I need to make it clear… I have not requested or imposed anything on him. I’m just asking for some advice. There is no need to be rude.

OP posts:
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