What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

[DizzyDucklings]

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

When I backpacked with a friend (1991, aged 24) for 6 weeks no mobile phones, nothing. I think daily phone-ins is a bit burdensome, but maybe once a week?

He still lives at home like a lot of young adults who haven’t fully fledged into the adulthood we all did at the same age.

To the other posters who are reminding me that we were married at 25…

Men went to war at 16 in the early 1940s…

Not sure we live in the same times and that things are comparable.

We certainly don’t infantilise him as PPs have suggested. I’m just concerned and I don’t want to be that mother you all think I am.

Makes no difference who funded it.

Depends really, he knows you love him and knows you'd feel more relaxed with check ins, so maybe each time he leaves an area to move to the next? Just as a son and mother he should know youd like to hear from him, and in case of an issue to know where he's off to next etc, just a low key quick message even.

When I went travelling (with boyfriend now husband so not solo) I had periods of a week or so when I wouldn't message, often because we were in areas with no signal. But weekly probably on average, we were away eight months though.

Both of our DS have been away over the years from when they were 18 yo (now 25). I just asked please ping me a pic or say hi every few days so I don't worry. Then I leave it up to them. If they drop a thumbs up or a heart in the chat that's fine for me as I know they are still alive. I wouldn't place requirements like "make sure you let me know you're ok every 3 days" or anything though - they are meant to be travelling and exploring not thinking about their mum.

Reasonable? Goodbye before the airport, proof of life at some point, hello once back. Anything else is all about what you (or he) want

If you don’t hear from him for an unusual amount of time, ask if he’s okay?

I don’t think you need to prescribe mandated contact for an adult

Maybe I should have asked the following question instead…

My DS25 has been travelling in Vietnam and Thailand and I haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks. He is alone and he only gave a vague intinerary as he wanted the freedom to move around without being tied into bookings. Do I need to worry?

I think it’d be reasonable if you asked for a text twice a week confirming he is fine.

I dont think expecting daily texts/calls, phone tracking, or itinerary is reasonable.

I must admit I was expecting this to be about a 17-19 year old.

My dds were both travelling separately this year. (DD2 is still away).

I didn't have set times to phone them, but we kept in contact on what's app toth the family group and via Instagram. That seemed fine to me. We spoke on an ad hoc basis.

Both of my dds are younger than your ds. He is a grown man! That said, if it would give you peace of mind (and he doesn't mind), maybe you should suggest that you speak once a week

At 20, I went to the Greek Islands alone and for a month. I sent one postcard.

I would tell him at what stage you would genuinely start to worry for his safety (perhaps 7 days with no contact?) and to check in at that frequency if possible.
I live in a tourist destination and see a number of unofficial missing persons campaigns started up only to find either that the traveller has had everything stolen and doesn’t know a single phone number or email address by heart, or that they’ve gone on a four day bender.

I have to say, this sounds more like he's 16 or 17 than 25. Why did you need to discuss alcohol and drugs with someone in their mid-twenties? Or expect him to check in?

35 years ago at his age I went abroad by myself for three weeks and the one time I phoned home (from a pay telephone on a street; no cell phones then) my dad, who was a very loving and protective father, seemed a bit taken aback to hear from me.

I imagine it's tough but you can't constrain his movements or put obligations for daily check-ins on him, at his age, just to assuage your worries. Part of traveling like that is immersing yourself in the experience, not constantly thinking about time zones and check-in times and whether mum is worrying. He deserves to travel unfettered by others' qualms.

None.

I did similar at a younger age (only 10 years ago so im not old and out of touch) and didn't even bother with social media.

You can't ask him to check in to manage your anxiety I'm afraid. And fwiw I really don't like the inferred sentimental that you part paid so you get a say. It's.like those PILS that think a wedding contribution gets you a say on the day. It's either a gift or it's not.

DS did this exact trip recently. He was a bit younger. We have a family WhatsApp & he just posted in it every few days. We didn’t discuss it beforehand. It was fine.

No, you don't. If anything had happened you would hear about it.

I’m quite embarrassed for you OP. He is not a youngster. Presumably he usually navigates life competently on his own?

Yes, I think it's infantilising to tell a grown man to remember to keep an eye on his belongings in a strange environment.

If my sons hadn't got the sense to realise that by the age of 25, I'd think I'd done pretty lousy parenting job before then.

How would I hear about it?

Honestly, none! Its up to him if he wants to contact. He'll probably be posting stuff to socials - just check that

I was married at 25 and had my first child at 26 but I can still understand OP’s worry. Yes he is an adult but 18 or 38 you’re still going to worry just a little if your adult child is going travelling alone in another country… surely, no one I know IRL wouldn’t give a toss if they didn’t hear from their child in 6 weeks backpacking alone in Thailand.

I think a weekly check in would be good

But I'm 36, so it's not like this is ancient history.

That sounds like a reasonable way to do things.

The police would contact you.

No, you don't. There may be a postcard at some point, there may not.

Honestly, how on earth did we all manage to survive travelling to South East Asia in the eighties/nineties 😆

You lost me at “parenting a young adult”. He is TWENTY FIVE, he should not need parenting.

At 25 I’d been married for 2 years, owned a house, and had been living on my own (as the adult I was) for 5 years.

Ask him to text you a couple of times a week and share pics if he wants to, but this notion of ‘parenting a young adult’ needs to stop. You’re doing him no favours.