Page 6 | What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

DizzyDucklings · 2025-12-04T17:10:33+00:00

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence. DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously. If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

AnnieMay55 · 04/12/2025 18:29

My daughter has travelled solo many times since she was 18, in deserts, jungle areas, down the Amazon, all sorts. She would probably post a photo every 3 days or so if she had reception. There would be times we weren't in contact and just had to accept that. However she is friends on Facebook with me and when there was reception, even if I didn't get a message it would show how long ago she had been on Facebook so I knew she was still alive! I don't know if you are both on Facebook. It's not so popular with younger people but maybe insta or til tok can be as useful. I still find checking her Facebook now 15 years later as she is single and still like to travel solo and in non tourist, remote places.

Soggyspaniel · 04/12/2025 18:29

I think once a week is fine, but at age 25 he really doesn’t need to contact you at all.

I’m only 32, and I was married at 24, owned my own home and had a professional full time job. It would have been insanity for my mum to fund my holidays at that age. He’s a fully grown man and needs to be independent.

CandidRaven · 04/12/2025 18:29

Just wait for him to text or call you? I appreciate he is still your son and you will worry but you will be better off letting him enjoy his time and I'm sure he will let you know he is safe and will likely want to send pictures and things

MrsVBS · 04/12/2025 18:29

As a mum of a 23 year old boy I think it’s best just to say ‘keep in touch and I want lots of photos’. When my son has been away he’s been ok at keeping in touch by text and photos in fits snd starts but if I hadn’t heard for a couple of days or more I just messaged him ‘all ok you having a good time’ and kept it very light.

Original poster

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:31

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 04/12/2025 18:27

Surely he will just let you know when he is back and needs his laundry doing...

I think, OP, maybe you should do some travelling too! Spread your wings and be reminded that the world is not all bad.... I understand you worrying but we do most damage stuck inside our own heads.

My husband and I travel extensively and we always check in with our kids every few days to let them know we are ok. We are also together. Not alone.

I wish people would understand that I am not imposing anything on him. I am merely asking for other people’s advice. I would never set a schedule for him as that is far too restrictive and would surely lead to him not being able to and us worrying. I’m simply asking what is reasonable if anything and clearly the resounding answer is to just leave him alone and hope that is all ok.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Fatiguedwithlife · 04/12/2025 18:32

He’s a full grown adult so whatever he wants is appropriate.
my eldest has been all over and messages every couple of days usually, but that’s because we chat often anyway.
just do what feels natural

CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 18:35

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

You sound so bitter. Why not wish him well and leave him alone to have a grand adventure? If you begrudge paying for it, why did you? Can't use the money as a means of control.

Lecturing a grown man about drugs and alcohol is ... baffling. Did you remind him to take condoms, too?

Original poster

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:37

CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 18:35

You sound so bitter. Why not wish him well and leave him alone to have a grand adventure? If you begrudge paying for it, why did you? Can't use the money as a means of control.

Lecturing a grown man about drugs and alcohol is ... baffling. Did you remind him to take condoms, too?

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I’m going to repeat what I said earlier that he had no idea that methanol poisoning was even a thing, let alone that it was something quite prevalent in Asia. A young man on a budget could easily be tempted by cheap alcohol like many before him.

OP posts:

Tiggy321 · 04/12/2025 18:37

2 of my boys went travelling alone in Asia for extended periods aged 18 + They sent messages every now again, we used to FaceTime maybe once a week. They had an absolute ball and I was very jealous! My anxiety eased as time went on. There were a few disasters- bike accident, theft of luggage (not in Asia but USA). We overcame all these. Make sure they have excellent travel insurance !

Doggymummar · 04/12/2025 18:38

This is mad, I check in with my parents maybe once every

8 weeks or so. If I was away travelling I wouldn't check in at all. I was in Hong Kong for a year and didn't get in touch once. It sounds stifling to me. My parents went round the world for a year when they were 50 and didn't get in touch either. I suppose we are all different

Zanatdy · 04/12/2025 18:39

My youngest son is 21 but I wouldn’t be setting any kind of schedule as to contact. If I was worried i’d send a pic of the dog, or ask him to send me some pics of his trip. My eldest is 32 and he always messages me daily anyway when he is away as he knows I like travel and like to hear what’s he’s doing etc. I’ve never had any kind of tracking etc, and at 25 I think you just need to play it by ear and casual contact to enquire about his trip.

Chinsupmeloves · 04/12/2025 18:39

Just tell him you want to see all his photos as much as possible, which he will most likely be posting anyway. Never too old to appreciate yoir parents care. Xxx

UsernameMcUsername · 04/12/2025 18:40

I mean this kindly, but he's 25. Its reasonable to just let him be.

OneBookTooMany · 04/12/2025 18:40

Parenting a young adult...he is 25.

I had a baby, was paying a mortgage and was three years into a career at that point.

If my parent had said they parenting me as a young adult, I really would have thought that they had lost the plot. I would have been very displeased.

I can't explain why but it would have made me feel a bit queasy.

You say you are trying to balance your parenting with his independence. There is no balance to be had.

He is absolutely independent and your "parenting" is over.

shhblackbag · 04/12/2025 18:41

OneBadKitty · 04/12/2025 17:58

A quick text every night before bed if he's travelling alone is reasonable.

No, it's not. This is a 25-year-old man. It's not reasonable to expect an adult to check in with their parent every day.

Zanatdy · 04/12/2025 18:41

Doggymummar · 04/12/2025 18:38

This is mad, I check in with my parents maybe once every

8 weeks or so. If I was away travelling I wouldn't check in at all. I was in Hong Kong for a year and didn't get in touch once. It sounds stifling to me. My parents went round the world for a year when they were 50 and didn't get in touch either. I suppose we are all different

You didn’t contact your parents for a whole year?

FunkyBiddyPop · 04/12/2025 18:41

I went travelling for a year and half when I was a bit younger (22/23) and I checked in maybe once a month or if there was an event like birthdays etc. Admittedly there was slightly less pressure to be constantly "in touch" then. Communication restrictions were an issue too, so I'd have hated to cause worry when I was "supposed" to update, but couldn't...I was travelling fairly rural areas with spotty signal so just sort of did it as and when.

My mum was SO overbearing at the time, leading up to my trip would email weekly articles about horrible things happening to travellers, whilst I think it pays to be mindful and aware of risk, it was way too much and frustrated me beyond belief! Your son is an adult and presumably if YOU are aware of risk factors in the area he's travelling, he, if he has been doing his research, will also be knowledgeable of the same. I think I would have a heavy eye roll for someone giving me the "drugs" talk as a grown adult.

Personally, depending on how long he's going for, I'd ask for an itinerary of his plans and maybe the occasional update on how it's going/any plan changes just so I had a vague idea of where he was and when, but I wouldn't expect weekly messages.

Nevereatcardboard · 04/12/2025 18:42

Once a week is fine but he’ll probably send you photos more often. I hope he has an amazing time!

Swiftie1878 · 04/12/2025 18:42

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:17

Yes that’s my dilemma… and probably many parents like me. Is the world the same place? Are kids the same? We are so connected now so what is reasonable.

We have had the alcohol/drugs discussion and whilst he listened he did do what most youngsters do and roll their eyes like they know everything already…

Not much of a social media user.

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Stop calling him a youngster. He’s 25!
Back off and tell him you’ll be worried so please stay in touch. Then it’s up to him how often he gets in touch.

shhblackbag · 04/12/2025 18:42

You say you are trying to balance your parenting with his independence. There is no balance to be had.

This!

Silverwinged · 04/12/2025 18:43

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:37

I’m going to repeat what I said earlier that he had no idea that methanol poisoning was even a thing, let alone that it was something quite prevalent in Asia. A young man on a budget could easily be tempted by cheap alcohol like many before him.

Show quote history

He can't possibly know everything. Some people will not have heard the news about the methanol poisoning.

But that's neither here nor there. You seem to struggle to accept that your son is an adult. You can ask him to be in touch at regular intervals, but nothing is inherently "reasonable". He is not a child.

I repeat, your son is not a child anymore and you really need to accept that. What you need to do is to establish healthy adult boundaries in your relationship with your son. Once you have done that, everything else will fall into place.

MincePudding · 04/12/2025 18:43

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

Make sure you pay towards it though so you can have a say in where he lives, his marriage and parenting style.

He must be under no illusion if being his own person because you pay so you own him.

MyThreeWords · 04/12/2025 18:43

He is well into adulthood. It is no longer a question of how frequently he ought to contact you. It has shifted to a question of how frequently it is reasonable for you to contact him in pursuit of news and reassurance.

Ask him how often he thinks it would be ok to answer messages from you.

VeryQuaintIrene · 04/12/2025 18:44

Once a week seems plenty to me. Agree with a PP about not accepting unknown spirits.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 04/12/2025 18:44

I’d just ask for a text whenever he changes locations and a call every couple of weeks.