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Original poster

What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

343 replies

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:10

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

OP posts:
MyDeftDuck · 04/12/2025 18:10

Not unreasonable to get a tracker on his phone……..useful if he loses it too as well as you being able see where he is. Agree on a timetable for FaceTiming too…….this might sound a bit overbearing but believe me, when you’ve had an AC go missing abroad it scares you to the core until you hear from them.

InterestedDad37 · 04/12/2025 18:11

I'd been living abroad for 2 years by the time I was 25, and I phoned home about every 2 weeks (this was last century, and I guess the world was a different place, but you know...)

Original poster
DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 04/12/2025 18:14

I ask mine to send a picture regularly and then I see the sights and know they are ok

Iamnotalemming · 04/12/2025 18:15

@DizzyDucklings at his age I was off on mountaineering trips and would send my DDad a text every couple of days as I knew otherwise he would think I'd fallen down a crevasse.

WWLD · 04/12/2025 18:16

OP, I haven't RTFT, but have read your responses. My godson did something similar (Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam etc solo at 22) and we - family/friends had a WhatsApp group, as has been mentioned before. If this is something he would consider, it's a great way of him contacting lots of people at once, and sharing photos.
He and his parents had an agreement that he would respond to their call/text within 48 hours, but that they would only call/text if it was an emergency, or there'd been no contact from him in 48 hours. That gave him 4 days, with a 'nudge' halfway through.
As it happens, there were far more messages from him than we expected, and he let us know in advance if he was going 'off radar' for a few days, so people didn't worry. He is a very personable extrovert though, so loved sharing his adventures and receiving jealous responses!

MasterBeth · 04/12/2025 18:17

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

I like how after your earlier denial of being patronising, you post this reply

Periperi2025 · 04/12/2025 18:17

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 17:45

He still lives at home like a lot of young adults who haven’t fully fledged into the adulthood we all did at the same age.

To the other posters who are reminding me that we were married at 25…

Men went to war at 16 in the early 1940s…

Not sure we live in the same times and that things are comparable.

We certainly don’t infantilise him as PPs have suggested. I’m just concerned and I don’t want to be that mother you all think I am.

Show quote history

They live at home at 25 now because the housing market has been destroyed by previous (your) generation and they can't afford to buy or even rent, not because they have suddenly became less able to mature.

HelenHywater · 04/12/2025 18:18

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

You're being ridiculous now.

Zero2ten · 04/12/2025 18:18

You can’t really set out how often he contacts you and you shouldn’t. You can remind him to keep in touch, and if you haven’t heard from him for a while (7 days maybe), fire off a quick ‘been having fun?’ WhatsApp. Just brief.
Do not set a routine, i.e. every Saturday because you will worry unnecessarily if he forgets.
This is an exciting adventure he’s going on. Big part of travelling is immersing yourself in the countries and really forgetting about ‘real life’ for a bit. I know it’s hard but he won’t want mundane chat, if he does he’ll let you know.
He’ll know you’ll be worrying about him so hopefully he’ll keep in touch a few times over the 6 weeks to put your mind at rest.

SpottyAardvark · 04/12/2025 18:21

OneBadKitty · 04/12/2025 17:58

A quick text every night before bed if he's travelling alone is reasonable.

Not a chance.

If my mum had asked me to do this when I was 18, I would have laughed at her. Never mind 25.

KittyFinlay · 04/12/2025 18:21

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

Well no, he really shouldn't be "hitting his parents up" for money for a holiday.

I wouldn't have even considered asking my Mum to fund my holidays at 25.

He probably should be looking seriously at moving out but presumably he's not working if he can just take off for several weeks and that's also not OK at 25.

He's living like a 18 yo on a gap year and you're treating him as such, but he's 7 years too late!

MasterBeth · 04/12/2025 18:22

itsthetea · 04/12/2025 17:56

I think it’s quite sad that even asking for a little courtesy text message is seen as too demanding - we should let other know we care for them and that includes making it clear you will worry and do want to hear from them. Don’t assume anything

seems our family is unusual but across all generations we do the odd courtesy connection

Caring for someone doesn't equate to worrying about them.

It's not more caring to assume bad things are happening to someone because you are not in touch with them. When my adult children don't contact me for a while, I assume they are having too good a time to be calling home.

Settings11111111 · 04/12/2025 18:22

CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 18:02

But not everyone wants to be tethered to home while traveling. When I am abroad I want to be totally in the moment, experiencing a different country and different culture, lifestyle, experiences. Immersing myself in the absence of humdrum, everyday life. I make it a point to turn off social media and detach from home for the duration.

Not checking my phone to see if mummy is worrying. Or composing and sending pointless updates.

If something happens to him, the authorities will notify the family. Texting every day isn't going to prevent any mishaps. It just takes him away from what should be a life-altering, mindful experience.

Show quote history

It’s an extended holiday. It’s not going to ruined by send in your mother a good morning text.

MrsBlobby64 · 04/12/2025 18:22

My son is 26 and went travelling in SE Asia for 8 months. He then met a girl from NZ, fell in love & they are living together in Melbourne (going to visit them at Xmas!) We have a family WhatsApp group & also I speak to him on our private one regularly. While he was travelling around he would check in every couple of days or so to send pics & tell us his adventures. I guess all families are different but we are very close & as long I knew he was safe I was fine with not hearing from him for a few days. Your son will have an amazing experience so chill - just ask him to keep you up to date as he moves around so you know roughly where he is… or if he is happy letting you add him to location tracker on your iPhone that helps…

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 04/12/2025 18:23

I think at 25 you can't really expect or enforce much.

I travelled Asia for best part of a year when I was 18/19 on my own. Didn't have a phone and couldn't never find the @ sign on computers so didn't bother sending emails from internet cafes.

I was ok. And I think my mum was ok too.

saraclara · 04/12/2025 18:23

OneBadKitty · 04/12/2025 17:58

A quick text every night before bed if he's travelling alone is reasonable.

It really isn't

CoastalCalm · 04/12/2025 18:23

I think once a week should be enough - he’s 25 !

SpottyAardvark · 04/12/2025 18:24

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

OK, the mask of reasonableness is slipping now and we are seeing the manipulative paranoid control freak underneath.

It would be very interesting to hear your son’s side of this….

Theyreeatingthedogs · 04/12/2025 18:24

In six weeks, a couple of postcards would do the trick.

Mazanna123 · 04/12/2025 18:24

Once a week would be reasonable

Isometimeswonder · 04/12/2025 18:26

paradisecircus · 04/12/2025 17:13

Takes me back...the challenges of trying to find a public phone whilst backpacking in places like that!

I guess with the communication methods we have nowadays...message once a day?

By setting "rules" you put pressure on him to comply. He'll then worry that you're worrying if he misses one.
Just ask him to send a pic once in a while.
Leave him be!

Settings11111111 · 04/12/2025 18:26

DizzyDucklings · 04/12/2025 18:11

Thanks everyone. I get the message.

I’ll be sure to tell my 25 year old adult that when he returns he should be moving out, buying a house, getting married and having children because that’s what we all did. Definitely not hitting his parents up for a couple thousand pounds to live fancy free for a few weeks in Asia and then expecting his family not to worry about his safety. I mean he is an adult after all.

Why have you paid for it? I thought you must’ve given him money as a gift due to inheritance or something, but if he’s actually asked you to pay for his holiday at 25 then that’s a bit different.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 04/12/2025 18:27

Surely he will just let you know when he is back and needs his laundry doing...

I think, OP, maybe you should do some travelling too! Spread your wings and be reminded that the world is not all bad.... I understand you worrying but we do most damage stuck inside our own heads.

WonderingAboutThus · 04/12/2025 18:28

At that age, I went and had zero contact with home for six weeks (or three months). The disconnection was a large part of the beauty.

Live by the saying 'No news is good news'.