What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

[DizzyDucklings]

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

OP he's 25 not 19. Loosen up.

My DC message each day when they are away and also send photos of random meals they’ve eaten.

Ds18 is in New Zealand and we check in once a day, just a morning or sleep well then he calls once a week or so. He seems ok with that but it could be less really.

I have posted this before, but the daughter of a friend was in Thailand and had been communicating daily. When that stopped, her mother checked her "find my" and tracked the phone to a police station. They had her phone because she'd died in a road accident several days before and had not yet contacted the family. While it didn't prevent the accident it allowed for quicker resolution of the situation. I was shocked by how many tourists die in Thailand every year.

Our family always has it activated, just in case of emergencies and also so I know when to start dinner. No one feels like they're being snooped on.

He's an adult. He can check in when he wants to.

When I was 19 I went to France for 6 months (Erasmus) and contacted my parents approx once every three weeks.

OP ignore some people here. In normal loving families it's normal to, you know...actually talk, and keep in touch. I'm 32 and can't imagine being on holiday and not ringing my mum a couple of times 🤷 It's not about parenting or whatever, it's about having a good relationship lol.

It's obviously not unreasonable to want your son to check in once or twice a week and share some pics. Do you have a family WhatsApp group? Maybe encourage him to share some pics on there.

People try to be cool on here, but most people would warn their young adult 'children' about Ethanol poising! I would even share this with my friends, if I thought they might not know!

Its up to him but if it was my dd id want a quick check in text at least weekly.

We definitely don’t do family tracking of any sort.

I think I’m just going to say it would be nice to hear from him every now and again just so we know he is ok but no pressure. Thanks everyone who was measured and helpful.

“It would make me feel happier if you sent a message once a week- would that be ok?”

do you have his itinerary?

because we can start with the assumption that both parents and son love each other and know each other cares and wouldn’t want the other to worry

Dd goes solo travelling and has done since she was about 21yo. Shes still younger than your ds. She doesn’t keep in touch at all. I used to stalk her Instagram to keep an eye on her but she realised and blocked me. She ignores/doesnt even read any WhatsApp’s.

I’ve just had to come to the conclusion that if anything happens I’ll find out at some point. I backpacked round Asia at her age and we didn’t have mobile phones and internet cafes were few and far between.

i don’t even know what country she’s in half the time.

I think you patronised him. He is not a youngster.

listened he did do what most youngsters do and roll their eyes like they know everything already…

This is how you see your son, as a child. You are not communicating with him as a fellow adult.

When I was solo travelling I rang once a week. I wouldn't have wanted to be more in touch than that personally as I was enjoying the freedom and solo time.

He is a 25 year old grown man. When I was growing up in the 1980s most 25 year old men were married with children and a mortgage. I understand that times have changed & independent adulthood comes later these days, but at 25 he really doesn’t need ‘parenting’.

All you can really do is have a chat with him & tell him that you would appreciate it if he checked in with you via WhatsApp or whatever from time to time to tell you how he’s getting on.

He was completely unaware of methanol poisoning

I went to Africa for my 40th birthday with my 2 teenagers. We told their dad that they would message him and keep in touch. We sent him our itinerary and contact details for the lodges we were staying in (he isn’t generally that interested in them anyway but I felt it was the right thing to do.)
Then for 6 days the internet didn’t work. We couldn’t contact him. I couldn’t contact my boyfriend (who is so chilled out he wasn’t bothered) and I couldn’t check in for our return flights, which stressed me out as it was a short change over so I would have preferred to be checked in. I had the best intentions but it wasn’t possible to stay in touch.

So with the best will in the world whatever you agree with him it might not be possible for him to stick to. If everything works and he can send WhatsApp messages then great but that might not be the case.
Also I was a big fan of life 360 for reassurance as I can see where my teens are and visa versa. Then last week it showed my son as being in the harbour. This is a place where several people have drowned so obviously very worrying to see life 360 showing him as in there. He wasn’t in the harbour thank god. He was in a pub next to the harbour. So I don’t know how reassuring this methods of checking in to reassure us are.

Op, I think some posters are being unreasonably harsh. You aren't trying to control him at all. You are just being his mum.

I'm gone 40 and my mum is the same. It used to drive me crazy in my 20s but I know it comes from a good place.

Ask him, just tell him you'd like to know he's ok and for him to check in the odd time. See what he says.

I leave the time seen option on my whatsapp so that my mum knows I'm alive even if I haven't messaged her. Sure, it's a little crazy but it makes her happy! If he's uses whatsapp regularly it might be an option.

My 23 year old is going for 3 months in March and I am going to leave him to it, that being said he likes to be in touch.

I don’t think the OP patronised him.

i didn’t give Dd a talk like that when she went to Asia, about being safe, etc as she has in the past accused me of being too involved. And then she got raped and I wish I had said something.

I went backpacking round the world at his age, I bought a phone card to use at the local pay phones once in a blue moon. I emailed my friends, family once a week when I went to an internet cafe. I didn't have a mobile phone or laptop.

There is no regular update he needs to give you OP. He's an adult, let him fend for himself.

He will have a blast.

I'm sorry if you find the responses rude but the way you are speaking about your adult son is really not normal and indicates that you've not accepted he's an adult. By 25, I had already lived in 3 different countries and by 27 I was married. I wasn't looking to my Mum to tell me about not talking to strangers or how to avoid theft.

I still message my mum almost daily when we’re away on holiday at the age of 39 because I know she worries! It’s nothing about control ffs 🙄

Blimey he's 25!! 🤦

What is reasonable is to wave him off with a smile and hope he's not so suffocated and patronised that he doesn't just breathe a massive sigh of relief and enjoy complete headspace TBH.

The thing of you giving him some of the money is completely irrelevant to the frequency of keeping in touch while he is away. He's a grown adult. He can contact you as often or not as chooses.

How often do you usually hear from him when he's in the country?

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to give you peace of mind, to be honest. I understand it's hard but it's not on him to assuage your worries while he's off trying to have the experience of a lifetime. I travelled very widely in my 20s and 30s, living and working abroad also, and I am so thankful that my mum, by nature a worrier, never even let me be aware of her fears or ask me for any particular level of contact because she didn't want to impinge on me spreading my wings.(And as a side note that probably made me more inclined to get in touch because I didn't feel I had to).

You say it's hectic when a PP said about the period he'd like you to call the embassy after, but that is actually right - it's about his safety needs and nothing else should come into it IMO.

I’ve been to Asia and come back in my 20s without my parents even knowing I was going. I guess we are all different!