What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

[DizzyDucklings]

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

Some people on here are ridiculous with the minimal contact thing. We’re not in the 1990s anymore guys and the world is a different place. I called home weekly in the early 90s from a pay phone reverse charge when travelling so really a WhatsApp call is no hardship.

I think it’s fair enough to call once a week and maybe WhatsApp message every other day. It’s what I find works w DC at uni/living away. I always say if no proper contact for a week I’ll call them (not counting memes). DD will contact less when not in a good place too whereas DS contacts us more so it’s horses for courses. You prob know your DS’s pattern of communication.

And yes to the spirits warning, shocking what’s been in the news, he may not have seen that. Otherwise it’s his life & choice. Hope he has a great trip!

That’s not the same as travelling solo, you’re being obtuse.

No I was working I didn't needed money or tickets? However if I had I'd have asked my parents on my weekly <or more often> phone call home..

He's an adult, Why's he even checking in?

Because it’s a sensible thing to do.

I was married with 2 DC when I was 25, it seems ridiculous. Luckily those 2 DC are completely independent now and definitely won't be checking in with me if they decide to travel.

I used to think like this. Unfortunately last year my best friend’s 20 something DC’s drink was spiked with a substance called Good Night Cinderella in South America and gang raped.

Awful, but what difference does checking in make?

You educate your DC on safety, and they should definitely know not to leave drinks unattended from when they're about 15.

Exactly. It wouldn't have prevented it.

My 24yo is currently spending 9 months in a British Army base in Iraq, where like other junior officers of his rank he’s responsible for keeping a platoon of 30 bored soldiers on task and out of trouble. For obvious reasons they don’t have access to mobile phones.

So yeah, from my pov, yabu.

My 20 year old son is there at the minute, self funded entirely, and so feels no need to keep comms going other than when it occurs to him. Been there three months in Malaysia Indonesia and currently Thailand. It’s terrifying quite honestly but you have to trust he’ll make the best decisions they can after you have done all you can to raise them and are now at the point where you release them into the wild. Feel for you, it’s hard. Am always pathetically grateful for the odd text and barrage of blurry photos that arrive every now and then. He has just told us he won’t be back for Christmas as he’s not done doing his thing. Best of luck, chances are he will be just fine- it’s you that will suffer the sleepless nights but that’s parenting.

I do think an “I’ve landed” and “I’m home” texts are a reasonable expectation (at any age), just because its good to know of safe arrival.

In between though, not necessary.

But how is he going to cope if he needs you to send him more data? Or whatever else some posters think grown men need to rely on their parents for.

Just to add- think some of the posts have been a bit harsh, don’t take them personally, you just love your boy and have natural concerns. And will do no matter how old your kids are, you will always have an urge to feel a bit of worry.

DS1 did a similar trip (30 odd days I think) but with a friend. They were 21/22. He watsapped every few days with pics of their adventures. I had friend’s number & his mums just in case. Didn't speak to DS at all when he was away.

I think having the drink and drugs talk when he's nearly 25 is about a decade or more too late, OP!

There isn't a 'reasonable' amount of contact here because it all depends what your normal contact is like. When my 18 year old went off round the world, I asked them if they would mind having a 360 app tracker on just for this trip and we switched it off on their return. Whatsapp or texts every few days. I think they benefitted from having contact with me as much as the other way around. There's no right answer though because they are adults, at 18 and definitely at 25 and so they might disappear for six months and then pop up again, but that would be inconsiderate more than anything and in closer families, at least every few days would be the type of contact I'd prefer. Above a week with no contact and I start to panic so it's more a question of my child being considerate to me than actively parenting them when away.

I'm always on emergency status though, and would and have sprung into action if needed with money or support, and will be til my kids are very old indeed!

My ds is about the same age. He spent about six months solo backpacking this year. We agreed that he would message me every couple of days just enough for me not to worry. Even just a smiley face was enough for me to know he was ok. Given that he had several incidents where he heard gunshots, saw mugging, was nearly attacked himself, he agreed that it was reasonable. When he went on longer trips that meant no connectivity for 5-7 days he let me know in advance so I wouldn’t worry.
If a friend in their 40s was on a similar trip I also feel a lot happier if the checked in with someone every few days. Plus it’s so easy nowadays. Two minutes on WhatsApp etc isn’t a mega chore.
@DizzyDucklings xxx

They're in their thirties and I generally don't even know they're going away. Likewise, my parents don't know when I'm going away.

See, I think that's really sad. Are you NC?
I can't imagine not being close enough to my parents to chat about planning trips away and sending pics/updates as we travel. I even remember using an Internet cafe in the early 00s to send them an email while traveling with DH!

It’s really, really obnoxious to tell someone her life is “sad.”

But did you have the drugs, alcohol and condoms discussion with him?!

🤣

He's an adult. You are still his parent at 25, but you are not "parenting" him any more. Time to cut those apron strings and let him spread his wings a bit. I'd be saying YANBU if he was 18 or so, but he's mid 20s. By all means have the chats with him, I'd be asking more questions at this point than issuing warnings though. Like "have you thought about how you're going to keep your valuables secure/what might you do if someone offers to give you drinks and you don't feel comfortable accepting?" Let him think those things through for himself.

As for contact, try to make that as positive as possible, you can't wait to see all the interesting places he goes, please do send us some photos, we'd love to share a bit of that with him. That will go down better than pressuring him to check in because you need reassuring.

Im glad neither of my parents was still alive when I was travelling solo around the middle east to places like Iran, Syria etc. My mother would have had a heart attack. I checked in about once a week to a relative who was the only person who had details of my wherabouts. One of the most wonderfu things about travelling is freedom from those back home. Smart phones have spoiled all that.

No, but I do all kinds of things without telling them, because I'm an adult. And also because my mother tends to get information arse about face and imagine things are happening that aren't. So I'm more likely to tell them the next time I see them after I come back.