What is reasonable. DS 25 going solo travelling.

[DizzyDucklings]

Genuine question with no backstory. Just trying to balance parenting a young adult and his independence.

DS 24 turning 25 going solo travelling to Vietnam and Thailand for 6 weeks. What is reasonable in terms of contact to check in with us to let us know he is ok? Don’t want to be overbearing but also would just like peace of mind obviously.

If it makes any difference the trip has been paid for jointly (him and us as a gift).

This is wild. I never considered myself a young adult at 25, I was a fully fledged adult. Surely young adult is 18-20.

The same way you would hear about it had he texted you the previous day.
Keeping in touch is nice, but it's not preventative of anything.

I think it’s quite sad that even asking for a little courtesy text message is seen as too demanding - we should let other know we care for them and that includes making it clear you will worry and do want to hear from them. Don’t assume anything

seems our family is unusual but across all generations we do the odd courtesy connection

I traveled 20+years ago ( I was 24/25) and barely communicated for the year the odd email and very rare phone call, my mobile was stolen in Vietnam and it was the best thing to happen as I didn’t have to worry about it any more.
It was an amazing year and I’m so glad I did it and I became a much more confident person because of it.

My niece who is 19 and travelling with her bf is on strava and penguin apps to keep in touch. My sister does WhatsApp video her a lot .

My son was a little younger at 23 and travelled solo around Europe. He sent a message daily, just a WhatsApp or a random photo. I think if your lad is gone for 6 weeks a message every second day or so would be reasonable, particularly as he's travelling alone. It's hard not to worry!

Edited to say I've read all the lists now and I see the little monkey hasn't been in touch in 3 weeks! I would try not to worry, bad news travels fast, so assume he's completely fine and having a ball. But I personally would prefer more contact!

I'm not sure we can give advice, I think you need to discuss this with him and come up with something you both feel comfortable with.

My DD went solo travelling in the Philippines at 22, she sent a message most days and called occasionally but we didn't ask her to, she was living in Japan at the time and I didn't even know she was going til she was leaving for the airport!

If it helps at all, I honestly don't think it is a different world from 20-30 years ago, in terms of dangers while travelling. If anything it's safer because we do have ways of say, seeking help if lost - I was trekking in jungles in the late 90s/early 00s and there was none of that. I have been travelling and living abroad intermittently from now till then and I really haven't seen any growing dangers. The only change is probably the expectation of contact, because we can!

And Vietnam is a safe place, it's incredibly well trodden as a tourist route.

A quick text every night before bed if he's travelling alone is reasonable.

Has he got travel insurance? This is where I think parents can add value. I had to nag mine to take it out … and as it turned out it was money well spent. And make sure it covers motorcycle trips which are very popular on that itinerary.

And if he's out and forgets? You're just setting yourself up for panic. That is so much pressure to put on him.

I am so close to my parents, I speak to them pretty much every day now, and reading this I just love them so much for never putting these kinds of demands on me and actually allowing me my adventures.

The people I know who had these kind of expectations placed on them are the ones who are less inclined to contact with their parents now.

Seriously??!!

At 25 years old I had a professional job, bought my own home and was living a completely independent life. I'd phone home most weeks and would probably tell my parents if I was going on holiday, but I wouldn't be in touch whilst I was away. I am not old, and the world has not changed that much since then.

Every two weeks I think. The beauty of a trip like that is that he can feel he's on an adventure and getting away from it all.

But not everyone wants to be tethered to home while traveling. When I am abroad I want to be totally in the moment, experiencing a different country and different culture, lifestyle, experiences. Immersing myself in the absence of humdrum, everyday life. I make it a point to turn off social media and detach from home for the duration.

Not checking my phone to see if mummy is worrying. Or composing and sending pointless updates.

If something happens to him, the authorities will notify the family. Texting every day isn't going to prevent any mishaps. It just takes him away from what should be a life-altering, mindful experience.

He is not a youngster. Not by a long shot. He's 25!
Many people are married, with a mortgage and kids by that age.
You can explain you'll be worried and please check in... It's mad that you're asking people what is reasonable. Whatever he decides is reasonable, you don't get an input.

Yes well being naggy and all that, a lot of travel insurance needs a return date. So if he is doing open-ended travelling then that will need to be taken into acount.

Don’t worry this is MN you turf your kids out at 18 on here without a look back.

In the real world I have young adult children and would ask them to check in at least once a week. Just a simple text would suffice.

I would say once a week.

If I was you I would text him though, instead of asking him to let you know he’s ok.

You could just text him every few days asking how he is.

I would definitely buy him a cheap phone with your number in to take. It’s so easy to lose/break/have your phone stolen.

Is he active on SM?
If so I would worry much less than if he isn’t.

Same, I went travelling in SE Asia for a few months at that age and I think I sent my mum one or two emails from an internet cafe, I didn’t take a mobile phone.

I'd ask him to try and check in every week if he's able, but tell him not to worry if he can't.

25??? 25?? I'm struggling here...I was married with 2 kids at 25 (I'm now 38 for context). Time to cut the apron strings...!

Surely you can’t ask for any contact. He’s an adult.

With my son's consent we installed Life 360, a tracker. It gave us peace of mind and removed any expectations [hopes!] of regular communication from him. I did of course contact him regularly but didn't [tried not to] stress about the lack of reciprocal communication.

I went to South America at 24 and I spoke to my mother every day. She didn’t ask me to, she would just send me messages and I’d reply. I can’t see anything wrong with sending him a WhatsApp every day asking what he’s up to. Even if he doesn’t reply immediately you’ll see he’s seen it. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, just casually message him as you would if he was in the UK.

He knows all that though. Do you realistically think you repeating it is going to make a difference? You’re just telling him to make yourself feel better! (And I do exactly the same tbh - but I recognise it’s for my benefit not theirs!)

I wouldn’t impose any sort of schedule - but I guess in my mind I’d be worrying if there’d been no response to a ‘How’s it going?’ WhatsApp after a week, or it had been unread for more than a few days.

Remember it may not always be easy to charge a phone, and signal may be patchy.