Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

Your husband is abusive.

In short, it sounds like your partner is ND and unless he understands that, he won't understand his triggers well enough to find and use coping mechanisms when he feels frustrated. This is obviously a huge risk when you are parenting a child and especially a child with additional needs.

Goodness, sounds like everyone is absolutely at boiling point! DH absolutely shouldn’t have done what he did, he sounds like he’s at breaking point.
I have no advice with the eating situation, and I know it’s easy to say well that’s all there is to eat. Only you know whether your son would eat eventually or just starve himself than eat it. But sounds like you all need a reset, you and DH should be on the same team.

Has your husband been diagnosed? He sound autistic too.... in reference to resisting adapting and inflexible.

Honestly if this was just a one off then I'd not do anything aside from getting both to apolgise to each other . Sounds like they both need support regulating themselves in stressfull situations.

you need to protect your sons and leave. This is not ok and your husband is minimising it. Hes an adult and he could have seriously hurt your child. Please make sure he is safe.

You know what happened and you know what you need to do

IF this is the very first time in all the years you've known him when he's ever demonstrated any physical loss of control- and be very honest with yourself about this - then I think you could potentially move past it as a parent at the end of his tether but only if he takes full accountability & immediate steps to ensure nothing like this ever happens again.

Leave what other option do you have?
well actually kick the bastard out and he leaves

H overreacted, should have self-control, should have removed himself when wound up, very much in the wrong, deceiving himself, should apologise.

Your husband is an arse.

People saying he sounds autistic- that’s no excuse for what he’s done to a small child.

I think I’d be speaking to a doctor quite quickly about your son’s issues and your issues with your husband. He sounds unhinged.

You leave your abusive husband.
He needs to attend some form of parenting course to learn before he would have the kids again

🙄

Not a single person who has suggested
he is neurodivergent is excusing what he's done. Stop making things up

This. Your husband is a nasty bully

What is so awful is H is defending it by saying "DS was trying to hit me". He talks like theyre the same rather than one is 6 and one is in his 40s. This wss the most physical ive seen him but he does shout and then say "DS was shouting too"

DS in bath said "is that what some daddies do?". I feel like half my brain is sayinh this is awful get out, and the other half is saying he lost his temper but he didnt want to hurt him

It all happened in 10 seconds but he did pick uo the chair off the ground and tipped it 90 degree. The only thing he can have meant to happen is for DS to fall. It felt v extreme and I really reacted by grabbing DS off floor as was genuinely scared for him. H then said my reaction caused both boys to cry and run out of room!

I don’t even understand your husband’s defence. Why would him wanting DS to leave the room mean he would pick up the chair anyway?

Why the rolled eyes. Do you think thats an OTT resposne?

Do not LTB. He isn't a bastard. It's really common in neurodivergent families and you need family support - early help from social workers ... reach out to the school and explain that things are tense at home and incidents are escalating. The school can offer help and support. I don't think people without physically aggressive autistic children can understand the amount of sheer pressure it puts on a person who is unlearning parenting in the way they were raised, to be more neuroaffirming and low demand. It is so common for neurodivergent families to need support with this. Speak to the senco tomorrow. They can refer you for family support.

As in get off the chair and get out. I dont remember H telling DS to leave the room but apparently he did. I didnt hear him say that though

He could have seriously damaged your son. Simple as that. He is not safe for your son to be with

You know the answer. You’ve been working flat out to keep everything on an even keel, manage everyone else’s anger and prevent disaster, but it was always going to come unstuck. Your husband is abusive. He isn’t up to parenting a challenging and vulnerable child. This won’t get better; your son is going to get older, bigger and more difficult to subdue. He’ll be a stroppy wilful teenager - how do you think that is going to go, if your husband can’t handle a 6yo with food aversions without losing his shit?

It's not sounding promising op...

However. I will suggest that everyone needs time to cool off and then you can address this properly with him, measure his response and you'll know where to take it from there

H is in an ignorant prick who needs educating and to control himself better!

I thought exactly the same. Your H is nd and this is why they are clashing in this way and he’s not managing his reactions. Obviously it’s totally unacceptable so your h needs to do some work on himself starting with acknowledging where your sons asd might have come from.
My dd has asd and it is so so so hard and sometimes I lose my patience but there have to be lines that you do not cross.

Autism has a ten to run in families and I’d bet your husband is too.

it excuses nothing.