Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

Let me guess…… the concept of quiet despair ripping you apart while desperately trying to hold it together is alien to you…

I agree with this to be honest, joint sofa sitting is a pretence so I do think it matters that the OP asks herself why she feels the need to pretend. It’s an important question - is it fear? Is it for show for the DC? Is it out of wanting things to be different? Like, why stay in a situation where the tension in the air is palpable? That’s no good for anyone.

It’s the same dynamic as saying the parenting issues are joint and both of them are not coping. There is one parent not coping and one parent picking up the slack and being abused for it. The sofa sitting suggests a unity which does not exist. Maybe it is a way towards unity but that requires both parties to engage in free and self-aware conversation.

You'd be in a different room, but the OP wasn't, at the time she wrote her post. She was sitting on the sofa next to husband, feeling the unbearable tension.

Sitting next to emotionally & physically abusive husband might be an attempt to appease him. At any rate, it does not mean OP is not telling the truth about what's happened. Also, what you would or wouldn't do is not relevant. You aren't the OP.

Have I missed something?

I don’t recall the husband being physically abusive. Yes, he had a moment of unacceptable behaviour of tipping his child off a chair whilst at the end of his tether but nothing to OP and nothing else to the children.

Emotionally abusive is questionable too. Could it be just they are not singing from the same hymn sheet when it comes to parenting and they are butting heads.

A good dose of Supernanny would do the trick. She used to help so many families by teaching them how to parent together!

This comment veers dangerously close to gaslighting. Lifting up a chair with a crying, frightened 6yo on it and tipping him onto a concrete floor is physically abusive. That’s a fact, whether it suits a particular agenda or not.

So I haven’t missed anything.

Best to just ignore at this point 😂

What is your purpose in coming onto this thread and undermining what the OP has said about her situation, making fun of the idea that she may be being emotionally and physically abused?

I’d never make fun of emotional or physical abuse. Or any other type of abuse. I’ve read back on all the OP updates and can’t see that he’s been physically abusive to her or emotionally abused either - I’ve read about arguments they’ve had or the odd shout from two very stressed-out parents who are unloving towards each other - ie sleeping in separate rooms - and not united in their parenting.

They need to get on the same page with parenting and show their children a united front. Then work on re-building their relationship if it isn’t too late for them.

There’s no laughing here.

Well it seems like you did miss the blatantly fkn obvious!

Enlighten me!

I know about the chair tipping incident btw, no need to repeat this.

Then educate yourself!

So you can’t state the completely fkn obvious.

Theres nothing in the posts that you could clearly lift out that shows physical or emotional abuse to the OP.

There’s upset for sure. There’s unaligned parenting definitely. There’s a one-off unacceptable chair tipping incident absolutely. There’s a lot of MNetters shouting to leave him because he’s physically and emotionally abusive. But, there’s no actual evidence of this.

The abuse is partly in his response afterwards. Her DH's response to his own wrongdoing is very poor. When he physically harmed her child he diverted blame onto her (he said she made him do it), he denied doing some of what he did (he didn't raise his hand he was reaching the window), and he minimised the hurt (the concrete isn't that hard) That's not the way that a normal adult takes responsibility.

He really struggles to accept fault and he does not deal with it in a mature way. Besides which he bullies the OP by insulting her and shouting at her. And I don't see him apologising to her or to DC afterwards. His behaviour is long term and persistent. That is emotional abuse.

You’re in an abusive relationship and so are your dc. Please find the courage to separate so your dc are not in this environment all the time. I’d bet my house on him finding having the dc 50/50 very tiresome and he’d barley see them.X

You should stop worrying or caring whether your DH would cope with a new job and a split at the same time. If you leave him, that isn't your problem.

He is abusive and you are in a constant state of anxiety. You can't relax in your own home and you are, quite rightly, frightened that he could have another violent outburst towards your child.

He is an absolutely shit husband and father. Imagine a home without him where nobody walks on eggshells. You have every right to live in a peaceful home and that will never happen while you are still married to him.

This. But unfortunately family therapy is woefully inadequate and notoriously difficult to get in the UK. In places like the Netherlands it is provided as standard support for families of ND children because the pressures are well known and understood. Over here, if you want it, you'll probably have to pay for it.

Your post has definite 'apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?' vibes.

You are basically asking OP the question 'apart from him lifting up a crying and frightened child who was clinging onto their chair and dropping them from a significant height onto a concrete floor, why on earth do you think that your husband a bad father?'

It normally goes one of three ways, doesn't it? The dad (as pp said) finds looking after the kids tiresome post split and does little to none of it. Later he may get a new girlfriend he can outsource it to. Or else he expects his parents (mum) to do the childcare. One way or another, it's a lot less time with a scary guy with few parenting or relationship skills.

He won't of course have given any thought to how the new job will work with pick ups, drop offs and the Feb half term/Easter holidays, as dads rarely do.

A few posters on MN over the years have described exes who've stepped up and become reasonable co-parents post split so I guess that's possible too.