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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need people's views on what just happened in my home

919 replies

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:21

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

OP posts:
Wonderlandpeony · 03/12/2025 19:58

It sounds like your husband was pushed to the limit. Probably a one off, and unless it happens again I'd try to forget about it.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 03/12/2025 19:59

Breadandbutta · 03/12/2025 19:34

Do not LTB. He isn't a bastard. It's really common in neurodivergent families and you need family support - early help from social workers ... reach out to the school and explain that things are tense at home and incidents are escalating. The school can offer help and support. I don't think people without physically aggressive autistic children can understand the amount of sheer pressure it puts on a person who is unlearning parenting in the way they were raised, to be more neuroaffirming and low demand. It is so common for neurodivergent families to need support with this. Speak to the senco tomorrow. They can refer you for family support.

This

Barney16 · 03/12/2025 19:59

I strongly suspect your husband knew exactly what he was doing and in the aftermath is trying to explain it all away. A grown man doesn't react like that when a six year old smacks him. He hasn't been punched by another man. He's been smacked by a child. Alternatively he lost it because he couldn't cope but again he's a grown man and he needs to manage his feelings. You're in the very unenviable position of having to manage your child and also your husband. It must be very hard.

ThreeSixtyTwo · 03/12/2025 19:59

He needs to understand that this isn't a way and get some help for himself.

Sounds he is quite resistant to that idea, but if he got shocked at least a small bit, use it to.drive the message

saraclara · 03/12/2025 20:02

H says he doesnt need a course or book to tell him hoe to parent

You need to explain to him that what happened today means that he DOES need a course to support his parenting.

This should be a wake up call for him. I spent nearly 40 years teaching autistic children in special schools, and I've seen many many parents under huge stress. I've had grown men weep in meetings, and parents of both sexes at the end of their tether. Marriage breakups and depression are very common in parents with children with complex needs . So I'm not going to judge him over-harshly at this point, as long as, within the next day or so, he acknowledges that he went too far, and that he does need some help.

replay2025 · 03/12/2025 20:03

He knew what he was doing. You need to protect your ds.

saraclara · 03/12/2025 20:04

It is so common for neurodivergent families to need support with this. Speak to the senco tomorrow. They can refer you for family support.

Yep. That, 100%.

MrsCarson · 03/12/2025 20:04

Newsenmum · 03/12/2025 19:54

This post is painful and I hope to god you dont have neurodivergent children.

Show quote history

I have one, we worked as a team to make sure he could cope and be happy in life. We didn't allow hitting or moaning about the meal, he got the same as everyone else and if he didn't like part of it, he ate the bits he could. He certainly wasn't placated and given pudding for not eating. He wasn't hit, but he has spent time out to calm himself, usually in his room.
Both parents must be in agreement on parenting, if not the house is full of conflict as in the OP. The child will expect the weaker parent to mollycoddle them, it doesn't help them in life, you put the hard work and consistency in early for them succeeding in life.

SpinningaCompass · 03/12/2025 20:06

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:46

To clear things up

  1. I think H probably is ASD. I have tried to gently suggest it for years. He gets v mad at it and refuses to discuss
  1. The school have been v supportive. He is already on a special plan with a live EHCP application. I went on a weekly course for an entire term. I go to regular meetings with SENCO. I have had HVs round. The support has lessened in the last yr as DS makes such progress - he is a different kid to 2.5 yrs ago. I've worked hard at this. So has he. H says he doesnt need a course or book to tell him hoe to parent

This is worst incident but not fiest incident. I have tried to get H to get help and advice many many times.

Husband goes. Tell him he's gone.

He only gets to come back IF he gets himself assessed for autism.
AND
Attends parenting courses.

Ask your child's school for support tomorrow.

NessShaness · 03/12/2025 20:08

He raised his hand to hit a child, and then picked the chair up and tipped it so your son would fall on to a concrete floor, have I understood that right?

What do you think would happen if your son told his teacher in the morning what had happened tonight?

Your husband is not even remorseful. He sees nothing wrong in what he did. This is abuse, before we even get started on how he treats his ND child on a regular basis.

What do YOU think you need to do to protect your child OP?

Driftingawaynow · 03/12/2025 20:08

Yeah this has to be a turning point op, and as a sidenote, he’s also going to give your son really serious issues about food if he carries on getting angry at mealtimes. Sorry love, you must be spinning right now

Original poster
Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 20:09

I just to get rid of this idea that we live with a violent child. He is inflexible, he tries to boss ppl around, and v occasionally he hits. But wr aren't living in some house of terror. DH is v obsessed with us not being grateful enough about the food he cooks. He takes it personally that the kids bloody wont eat their chicken. DS eats at the table. He eats his veggies. He struggles when he thinks a food is different.

The hitting is 100% unacceptable on DS part. He knows that. And the techniques taught by the school have really helped.

H got wound up instantly when DS said "i dont like the chicken it looks different to normal"...like H is bloody Gordon Ramsey and cooked it for hours. It was some chicken nuggets FFS.

I agree with everything ppl have said about how tough it is living with ASD kid. I guess I would be more sympathetic if it wssnt for fact its been me that has done every bloody course, filled in every form, deals with every meltdown, been to every school meeting so I dont feel particularly sympathetic to H right now.

And by the way I work much longer hours than H and am responsible for all the bills so its not like I took that all on because I have more time. I habe less time

I feel furious in all honesty. But I can see maybe im now the one feeling emotional!

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 03/12/2025 20:09

Auhdandme · 03/12/2025 19:58

Who is we? There was a thread last week about an high functioning autistic teenager biting his auntie. I was one of the few people on that thread saying he needed to apologise for his actions and have repercussions and that his mum couldn't use his disability as an excuse not to parent him

Just because I'm trying to figure out if the husband is neurodivergent or abusive doesn't mean I excuse abusive behaviour for ND people.

My daughter is autistic and can be violent and I never excuse it ever, she needs to learn it's not okay

Show quote history

We as a society. These male characters are greatly loved by women. Don't even get me started on Dexter...

NessShaness · 03/12/2025 20:09

MrsCarson · 03/12/2025 20:04

I have one, we worked as a team to make sure he could cope and be happy in life. We didn't allow hitting or moaning about the meal, he got the same as everyone else and if he didn't like part of it, he ate the bits he could. He certainly wasn't placated and given pudding for not eating. He wasn't hit, but he has spent time out to calm himself, usually in his room.
Both parents must be in agreement on parenting, if not the house is full of conflict as in the OP. The child will expect the weaker parent to mollycoddle them, it doesn't help them in life, you put the hard work and consistency in early for them succeeding in life.

Show quote history

What does succeeding in life look like to you?

Sunflower459 · 03/12/2025 20:11

As an ND woman I do find it curious (and a bit offensive, to be honest) how many people seem to hear about male inflexibility and bad-temperedness and immediately assume neurodivergence, as though there aren’t a million NT men out there being inflexible and bad-tempered every day.

BertieBotts · 03/12/2025 20:11

Squishedpassenger · 03/12/2025 19:25

In short, it sounds like your partner is ND and unless he understands that, he won't understand his triggers well enough to find and use coping mechanisms when he feels frustrated. This is obviously a huge risk when you are parenting a child and especially a child with additional needs.

I agree - I think this is not at all unlikely.

When someone has done something which is completely at odds with what they believe due to a momentary flash of anger or impulsivity or whatever it was, the brain can do unhelpful things like try to make sense of it by justifying the action. If he's still in that dysregulated state and you try to discuss it, he may double down on that explanation/justification, to the point that it becomes more entrenched than what actually happened.

It may be the most helpful thing is to either tell DH you want to tell him something but you don't want him to reply, or send him a text or similar when he's physically not within responding distance, and essentially just state this was absolutely unacceptable and not how you agreed to parent and it can never happen again, that you understand he was triggered and didn't essentially mean for it to happen, but he must face it properly and figure out a plan. Then give him time to process and digest that. If he's still defensive after having had time to think about it then you have the answer - he isn't bothered about it and doesn't want to stop it happening.

Original poster
Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 20:11

MrsCarson · 03/12/2025 20:04

I have one, we worked as a team to make sure he could cope and be happy in life. We didn't allow hitting or moaning about the meal, he got the same as everyone else and if he didn't like part of it, he ate the bits he could. He certainly wasn't placated and given pudding for not eating. He wasn't hit, but he has spent time out to calm himself, usually in his room.
Both parents must be in agreement on parenting, if not the house is full of conflict as in the OP. The child will expect the weaker parent to mollycoddle them, it doesn't help them in life, you put the hard work and consistency in early for them succeeding in life.

Show quote history

The weaker parent? God that stings. Im following the advice given by the senco! I dont fuss over him. He gets the same food as everyone else. Just dont think too big a deal if he wont eat chicken. He was eating everything else on his plate.

OP posts:
HereForTheFreeLunch · 03/12/2025 20:11

Your DH is complaining about your shitty parenting when he just tipped 6 year old onto the floor?
40+ plus grown man is expecting a 6 year old to modulate his behaviour when the 40 year old is incapable of doing the same?

Your DH should leave the room and cool down in these situations not tit for tat with a child and escalate things.

JadedVeryJaded · 03/12/2025 20:11

OMFG I felt sick reading your OP. Your poor little boy.

Fargo79 · 03/12/2025 20:11

Pumpkinallspice · 03/12/2025 19:37

To be honest, it was a poor reaction but I understand getting to the end of your tether.

If he wants your son to eat and he's being difficult, it is the wrong way to go about it but it is absolutely exhausting living with a child that is inflexible and controlling.

He needs support to manage his emotions. Your son needs support with his and you both need to enroll on a course about supporting an autistic child so you are on the same page.

Edited

Autistic children with restricted eating habits are not "controlling". Get a grip of yourself. Why do some adults insist on making everything about themselves, and imagining that children's behaviour is aimed at them.

youalright · 03/12/2025 20:13

snoopythebeagle · 03/12/2025 19:23

Your husband is abusive.

Bit harsh we all lose our tempers at times. Dh is also highly likely nd if your son is. It sounds like it been building up. I think everyone needs a bit of time to step back, breathe and reassess.

Pancakeflipper · 03/12/2025 20:13

I think you should contact the safeguarding team and ask for family support.

I think your DH and yourself are probably not parenting together (and this will make it more difficult for your DS). You need to have consistency.

Your DH needs to learn walk away.

It needs addressing because if you separate from DH, he'll still have access to his son so needs the capabilities to parent DS.

My DP really struggled with our DS. He found classes on parenting ND children really helpful and they have a positive relationship.

youalright · 03/12/2025 20:15

Sunflower459 · 03/12/2025 20:11

As an ND woman I do find it curious (and a bit offensive, to be honest) how many people seem to hear about male inflexibility and bad-temperedness and immediately assume neurodivergence, as though there aren’t a million NT men out there being inflexible and bad-tempered every day.

Because neurodiversity is extremely genetic so its likely either op or dh is Nd

EasternStandard · 03/12/2025 20:15

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 20:11

The weaker parent? God that stings. Im following the advice given by the senco! I dont fuss over him. He gets the same food as everyone else. Just dont think too big a deal if he wont eat chicken. He was eating everything else on his plate.

Show quote history

Of course not doing what your h did is not weaker. He’s in the wrong.