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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need people's views on what just happened in my home

919 replies

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:21

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 03/12/2025 19:48

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:46

To clear things up

  1. I think H probably is ASD. I have tried to gently suggest it for years. He gets v mad at it and refuses to discuss
  1. The school have been v supportive. He is already on a special plan with a live EHCP application. I went on a weekly course for an entire term. I go to regular meetings with SENCO. I have had HVs round. The support has lessened in the last yr as DS makes such progress - he is a different kid to 2.5 yrs ago. I've worked hard at this. So has he. H says he doesnt need a course or book to tell him hoe to parent

This is worst incident but not fiest incident. I have tried to get H to get help and advice many many times.

Thing is, these types of incidents will only increase in intensity and frequency as your son grows up because he will mirror his approach of resolution. You can't make him do it, and you have to think of your son's future.

HC1ps · 03/12/2025 19:49

RabbitsEatPancakes · 03/12/2025 19:47

Surely a 6yo would just slid off the chair and landing on his feet? He's hardly been thrown from a great height. I'm slightly confused but the dramatic reaction, a chair is like 2ft of the ground. A 6yo is what, 4ft?

6yo definitely isn't a toddler and shouldn't be hitting!

Exactly, the violence shouldn’t be minimised. He needs help and you both need support .

pizzaHeart · 03/12/2025 19:49

GTGGD · 03/12/2025 19:28

H overreacted, should have self-control, should have removed himself when wound up, very much in the wrong, deceiving himself, should apologise.

This ^
your DH was very very wrong. He used violence against someone smaller and vulnerable.
My main problem is his lack of self reflection. As a parent of child with additional needs I understand being at breaking point and feeling frustrated but using violence and then saying it’s nothing - not ok.
He needs to do some parenting courses to understand DS better and to learn how to manage his own anger.

Justthetonicandgin · 03/12/2025 19:49

sprigatito · 03/12/2025 19:39

This is really dangerous nonsense. We - and all of our friends - are ND with ND children and not one of us has ever physically abused a child. It’s a red line, always, for everyone in every family. ND children have as much right to be safe from abuse as anyone else, and ND parents aren’t more likely to commit crimes against their children than NT ones.

Show quote history

Everyone needs to take a beat, but it is indeed a redline, but help would be the first thing to reach for. One can’t always navigate the right way first time and this is the wake-up call to the OP that the route is wrong.

Get help OP, this won’t get better on its own

Newsenmum · 03/12/2025 19:50

Shadowdax16 · 03/12/2025 19:42

This is a genuine question for the posters saying that if the H is ND then it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but it can be used as an excuse for the child - at what point is that line drawn? Like when does the neurodiversity stop being an excuse? It doesn’t sound like the H went out of his way to hurt or be abusive, more that he got overwhelmed and reacted in the moment. I agree he should have walked away sooner, but equally hasn’t he just boiled over in the same way his son has because of the way their brain functions?

Because he is an adult and has a duty of care. If he is unable to control himself than he shouldnt be in the house.

My autistic dh was very similar to our son aged 6 and similar to op’s son. Funnily enough he doesnt do that now. He gets incredibly overwhelmed and has to leave.

Besides the big issue here is the attitude of the DH. He thinks op is too soft’. He’s not devastated by his actions. That’s a problem.

Auhdandme · 03/12/2025 19:50

VivienneDelacroix · 03/12/2025 19:42

Nothing in OP's description makes her husband sound neurodivergent at all. Being neurodivergent is not a catch-all term for men who are arseholes - no matter how people use it excuse the behaviour of abusive men.
I would say he sounds neurotically male in a way that makes him quick to anger when the household patriarchy, with him at the head, isn't being upheld in the wants it to.

Your husband purposely tipped a 6 year old child of a chair onto a hard floor in temper. This is inexcusable.

Show quote history

You clearly don't know anything about neurodivergent traits then as there were several things in the original op that pointed to neurodivergency

I've already said this to another dramatic poster, no one is excusing his behaviour

People are looking behind what actually happened and trying to understand where it came from

If he is abusive then this won't be the first time this has happened. It will have been going on since he was born,

If this is the first time it's ever happened then it does point to ND as it shows he's finding it harder to cope with the ever increasing demands of raising a ND child

Motnight · 03/12/2025 19:51

The thing that leaps out at me Op is your DH is blaming everyone but himself for his actions. What's to stop him doing the same again, or worse? After all, if it's not his fault he has no control over it.

Original poster
Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:51

RabbitsEatPancakes · 03/12/2025 19:47

Surely a 6yo would just slid off the chair and landing on his feet? He's hardly been thrown from a great height. I'm slightly confused but the dramatic reaction, a chair is like 2ft of the ground. A 6yo is what, 4ft?

6yo definitely isn't a toddler and shouldn't be hitting!

He picked up the chair to a fairly high height. DS was tucked up like ball on chair crying with his head between his knees and his arms wrapped round his knees. DS obviously wssnt expecting what happened and was curled up in ball so he landed on his side.

Amd I agree a 6 year old shouldn't be hitting. And a 45 year old shouldn't be picking up chairs and tossing small kids off.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 03/12/2025 19:52

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:35

As in get off the chair and get out. I dont remember H telling DS to leave the room but apparently he did. I didnt hear him say that though

Show quote history

Your dh is the one that should have removed himself. He can’t regulate himself in his 40s yet he expects a 6 year old to!

MrsCarson · 03/12/2025 19:52

So your Dh has a different idea on Ds eating, you are opposite and don't back up his idea of giving him food to try. You give treats of pudding who no meal eaten you are ridiculous, and when Dh loses it and tips Ds off his chair for attempting to hit and then refusing to leave the room, you try to make Ds feel better and not even attempt to see why your Dh has had enough.
You sound like a weak parent and Dh is very rigid.

AngryBookworm · 03/12/2025 19:52

What an awful thing to happen and a hard situation OP. Even if he did want DS to leave the room, picking up his chair is essentially saying 'I'm stronger than you and I can do what I want with you'. I'm not saying he's an evil abuser but what he did in that moment was wrong. He wasn't restraining DS from hitting him, he was doing something else.

Given your updates, my instinct would be to give him an ultimatum that he needs to work on his frustration control in the moment, which might include him leaving the room, not DS. That could be through books, therapy, or even just finding a technique and asking you to remind him when he gets angry. He needs to be able to feel anger without reacting like that, and to understand that DS isn't the way he is out of malice. He could also do with education on sensory food aversions - it's not the same as eating a food you don't like much.

Badgersandfoxes · 03/12/2025 19:53

Let me ask you a question OP. If your son goes to school tomorrow and makes a disclosure to staff about what happened. How will you tell the school you have safe guarded your son?
Im not trying to be harsh but from an outside perspective this is abuse. Him shouting back at your son and failing in meeting his needs is one thing- this however is physical.

i am so sorry, this is not easy but if i was you id be asking your DH to leave so you can both have some space and think about how best to parent.

Newsenmum · 03/12/2025 19:53

RabbitsEatPancakes · 03/12/2025 19:47

Surely a 6yo would just slid off the chair and landing on his feet? He's hardly been thrown from a great height. I'm slightly confused but the dramatic reaction, a chair is like 2ft of the ground. A 6yo is what, 4ft?

6yo definitely isn't a toddler and shouldn't be hitting!

A great big man tipped the chair over aggressively and he fell onto the floor. Imagine how scary that would be to a disabled child?

Benjithedog · 03/12/2025 19:53

Your husband in no way should have reacted the way, he’s the adult and should have left the room but your son shouldn’t have gone to hit him either.

Setyoufree · 03/12/2025 19:53

Not defending your DH necessarily but I can imagine being at absolute boiling point if I've come home from a day at work, cooked dinner, and then all I get is a child giving me a load of hassle about how much they hate it while I'm trying to eat my dinner and then hitting me.....

Squishedpassenger · 03/12/2025 19:53

Auhdandme · 03/12/2025 19:50

You clearly don't know anything about neurodivergent traits then as there were several things in the original op that pointed to neurodivergency

I've already said this to another dramatic poster, no one is excusing his behaviour

People are looking behind what actually happened and trying to understand where it came from

If he is abusive then this won't be the first time this has happened. It will have been going on since he was born,

If this is the first time it's ever happened then it does point to ND as it shows he's finding it harder to cope with the ever increasing demands of raising a ND child

Show quote history

What strikes me is that we kind of romanticise (high functioning) ND now in males. Think about House, Doc Martin, Sheldon Cooper...

This is the reality of a partner with unacknowledged, undiagnosed, unmanaged ND when you take them out of their comfort zone. It can get dangerous.

Newsenmum · 03/12/2025 19:54

MrsCarson · 03/12/2025 19:52

So your Dh has a different idea on Ds eating, you are opposite and don't back up his idea of giving him food to try. You give treats of pudding who no meal eaten you are ridiculous, and when Dh loses it and tips Ds off his chair for attempting to hit and then refusing to leave the room, you try to make Ds feel better and not even attempt to see why your Dh has had enough.
You sound like a weak parent and Dh is very rigid.

This post is painful and I hope to god you dont have neurodivergent children.

nutbrownhare15 · 03/12/2025 19:55

I think you need to explain to your DH that the incident tonight was abusive and could have seriously harmed your child. That he needs to recognise that his attitude and behaviours towards your son must change and he must commit to accessing resources to make that change. And that if he doesn't fully commit to this then he will need to leave the family home and you will be involving social services as without change he is an ongoing risk to your child

Housecat234 · 03/12/2025 19:55

Badgersandfoxes · 03/12/2025 19:53

Let me ask you a question OP. If your son goes to school tomorrow and makes a disclosure to staff about what happened. How will you tell the school you have safe guarded your son?
Im not trying to be harsh but from an outside perspective this is abuse. Him shouting back at your son and failing in meeting his needs is one thing- this however is physical.

i am so sorry, this is not easy but if i was you id be asking your DH to leave so you can both have some space and think about how best to parent.

This. So much this.
the dynamic can’t carry on, he’s done something really dangerous and abusive.

wrongthinker · 03/12/2025 19:55

It's abuse. Protect your son. Whatever it takes.

nutbrownhare15 · 03/12/2025 19:56

I might send him a text with the message in and say you will talk about it when the kids aren't around. Any pushback and I'd be telling him he must leave.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/12/2025 19:56

My autistic dd (6) briefly went through a tough time. During it, I felt like a failure, relived my childhood trauma, imagined her future being rubbish

Just went to a shit place. So I feel like I get his anger. He maybe feels like his child isn't like other children, he has failed etc. But that just isnt true. Also, your man sounds autistic as being inflexible is a big sign, and I think thats where some of his anger is coming from.

I get that your man is worried but this anger cant happen again. End of.

He needs to get ahold of himself or leave the home. Your boy doesnt need the judgement and disappointment of his father. Just because he is autistic and cant communicate his feelings, doesnt mean that he cant process what goes on around him.

Once he has got control of himself, He needs to stop with criticising the eating problems. My dd currently only eats oatmeal and pot noodles - if I dont give her a safe foods, she just wont eat.

He needs to leave it and make sure that your boy is happy. The future is so far away and just because he isnt eating today, doesn't mean that he won't tomorrow.

Honestly, your son is still your baby boy. He is a blessing and his strengths will come to light, it just takes time. He needs to feel safe to be who he is.

So in conclusion - tell your man to suck it up or leave xx

Breadandbutta · 03/12/2025 19:57

Donttellempike · 03/12/2025 19:37

The child is 6. This is terrible advice. And nothing to do with the school

Show quote history

Not at all. I am not the only one to recommend they go to the school for support and referral to early help. I don't think you know much about social support if you are saying it is nothing to do with the school. Safeguarding is everybody's business.

Pepperedpickles · 03/12/2025 19:57

Your dh is abusive and your whole approach to mealtimes is wrong for a child with autism / ND. Meals should always be a pleasant, non stressful experience, even if that means eating things others would consider strange or eating using an iPad / Tv at the same time. Or away from a table (too confrontational for a lot of children with asd). No wonder your son was so stressed.

Auhdandme · 03/12/2025 19:58

Squishedpassenger · 03/12/2025 19:53

What strikes me is that we kind of romanticise (high functioning) ND now in males. Think about House, Doc Martin, Sheldon Cooper...

This is the reality of a partner with unacknowledged, undiagnosed, unmanaged ND when you take them out of their comfort zone. It can get dangerous.

Show quote history

Who is we? There was a thread last week about an high functioning autistic teenager biting his auntie. I was one of the few people on that thread saying he needed to apologise for his actions and have repercussions and that his mum couldn't use his disability as an excuse not to parent him

Just because I'm trying to figure out if the husband is neurodivergent or abusive doesn't mean I excuse abusive behaviour for ND people.

My daughter is autistic and can be violent and I never excuse it ever, she needs to learn it's not okay