Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

You have a husband problem.

You need to protect your child. Now.

What needs to change in order for you to feel that your children will be safe and unharmed at home? What needs to change in order for you to feel like your DH is a teammate in this rather than a threat or obstacle? This isn't ultimatum setting, it's boundary-setting... you are deciding what you will or won't expose your sons and yourself to.

These questions apply whether your DH is ND or not. He clearly does not currently have the skills and knowledge to parent both of the sons he has. If he's not willing to actively work to acquire better skills and knowledge then the situation will only deteriorate, and all you can do is separate yourself and your sons from him.

Apologies… but was that what you picked up on in that post?

I repeat my suggestion: feed the ids separately; encourage H to remove himself when the temperature is rising in the room; seek support from school, GP and social services as all three can help.

The fact that your H chose to do that with the chair and then minimised it and now shows no remorse is a series of red flags.

Time for a chat when you are alone tomorrow and if he still uses pathetic excuses like DS tried to hit him and shows no remorse then things need to get serious.

Regardless of your son’s situation, violent behaviour from a parent is unacceptable.

This
Sounds like the whole situation escalated which is easy to understand why.
Take care OP, you are dealing with so much

That's not what is happening here is it? As PP said, if he's got a diagnosed autistic child and he's demonstrating some characteristics of autism then he's likely autistic. You've just dismissed the entire point with "sure".

Mumsnetters like to be contrary for the sake of being contrary. If you’d have posted this exact scenario, but defending your husband, then they’d have torn you and him to shreds for being abusive. BUT because you are saying it’s unacceptable, they need to take the opposite stance and make excuses for him.
you’re not wrong OP, this is disgraceful behaviour, and I’m heart broken thinking of your neurodivergent child lay on the floor and thinking that’s just what daddies do.
keep your anger, and your rage, and use it to LTB.

That’s an interesting suggestion from a pp - OP, what would happen if you told your DH his cooking was so-so, but a bit bland and uninspiring? Would he throw his toys out of the pram?

People expect adults to be fully in control of themselves at all times and able to deal with absolutely everything with reasoning and calm

But if your a late diagnosed or undiagnosed adult who hasn't learn how to regulate yourself or how to support yourself properly, then it's actually really difficult to learn how to be calm and logical when your nervous system is screaming at you that your in danger. I don't think most people will get it. I didn't, until I had autistic children and looked back at my family and realised that some of my mums abusive behaviours was an undiagnosed adult who was having a meltdown.

I'm absolutely not excusing what the husband has done, if he was willing to acknowledge that he's also ND and learnt more about it all then this whole thing could of been avoided. If he isn't willing to change then he's going to lose his family

@Spiderwoman123 ask him exactly what he thinks is going to happen at school if this gets brought up. The fact he is scared of his Dad what his Dad did and the fact there are going to be bruises.

does he do more then if he works part time?

The extra red flag is the HE lost it..tried to tip a child out of a chair? Then blamed YOU that's really bad OP...if it was a loss of control why then try and blame you? That's just a cruel mindset

This ^ is a very good advice OP.

and f* off to that idea about “weaker parent”. At the end of the day your DH should remember that he eats what he wants, does what he wants and when he couldn’t get what he wanted ( son was not eating his dinner) DH threw a tantrum and used violence against someone weaker, vulnerable and who has a official diagnosis of being different.

Find your anger, OP. Stop trying to talk yourself out of your gut reaction. Your H might be neurodivergent but that’s a separate issue. He is not behaving well around your children and once one barrier is breached, there will be another and another. He needs to take a step back and control his emotional responses to challenging behaviour. If he won’t do this, you need to take steps to enforce a boundary. Don’t let him explain away what he is doing. Such a strong reaction over food is not normal.

6 is a small child , your husband is abusive and needs to apologise , he is supposed to be the adult and needs to act like one . If he doesn’t feel he can work on his behaviour and the way he reacts to your disabled child then he needs to leave the home . As he works pt and you work ft is he left alone with the children a lot as I’d be very concerned about that .

The WORST thing you can do around autistic eating is make the dinner table a battle ground. it will make the eating issues WORSE, because it will make DS anxious.

First things first.

1. Do not allow DH & DS to be in the same room when DS is eating if DH can't behave himself. Feed him separately, yes, even if that means you eating with DS somewhere else in the house while DH eats with the other child.

2. Tell your DH to grow the fuck up and behave like a parent, not an offended master chef or a petulant 4yo.

3. Grow a pair and defend your child.

My DS has ARFID, my ExH used to behave like your DH does at the dinner table, and i made it VERY FUCKING CLEAR that DS's food, and his eating habits, and the dinner table WERE NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION BY HIM.. .and i did not brook any nonsense in that regard.

Also.. there is a reason he is my ExH.. this bullshit is one of them.

Every excuse in the world is rolled out for young boys who are ND, or “undiagnosed ND”.

But everyone is shocked when they meet adult men who don’t know how to conduct themselves in a civilised manner.

Regardless of any autism or ND - my parents used to say that making a child eat what they don't want is cruel in itself and is agree with them. Not saying children should be pandered to/cooked different meals to everyone else/ allowed to eat junk but as another poster said- its just food, we all have likes and dislikes, it not a rejection of parental love, no matter if it feels like this. Food can be, and often is, though, a battleground for power and control. It seems to me that's what's going on with H. The ND with your DC tips it into another level too. But it sounds as if your husband has managed to get you to do the majority of the heavy lifting eith the children plus you do more outside work, he gets to grump around and lose his temper. Is it worth getting more intervention and help for you hoth as patents and all of you as a family? Only you can say, but i would think yes, urgently in the circumstances, though some of it depends on how H takes things forward in terms of apologising, rebuilding trust, etc. But I wouldn't struggle on too long if the extra help wasnt working; that would just give you an extra layer of stress and responsibility.

If this is a first time, I would have a very serious private chat about violence and this being unacceptable.

Make it very clear this must be a one off, and that he apologies to his son.

Also I think you need to get on the same parenting page, and then always back each other up. Otherwise your marriage is as good as over anyway.

The key is consistency and compromise on parenting style - maybe agreeing some rules on how you will treat food refusal. As much as forcing a nd child to eat food that causes sensory.overload is wrong, so is just serving deserts.

Being ND may be an excuse for your son. It isn’t an excuse for your 40yo husband. Are you in a position to leave if necessary? You said this isn’t the first incident- can you say more about what has happened previously?

This. Just like any form of abuse. A line has been crossed. Once crossed it will be very likely crossed again .

Your instincts are correct OP, and you’re son has no one to protect him but you.

If your child repeats what happened , you are at risk of social services finding that you are failing to protect him if you simply do nothing and hope for the best 💐

Yes. It’s fascinating to watch a thread about the welfare of a child slowly creep into a discussion about the welfare and needs of the man who was violent towards him . . .

There’s always a first time isn’t there?

It sounds frustrating for everyone. Sounds like you are all at the end of the teather. However, I don’t see why eating cucumber warrants a desert. It would have been better for him to have just filled up on cucumber and gets dessert if he tries something new. My brother only ate rice and chicken, but it was my mums fault for allowing it. Now he is a grown up he eats lots more food but if very small and looks under developed where he wasn’t getting the right food as a growing child.

A lot of problems come from not checking people the first time they try you.

You let someone walk all over you, and they will continue to do so.

This especially applies with angry men.

OP from what I’ve read, you don’t seem like a weak parent. You seem like a caring and responsible parent who is working with their autistic child - and pretty well.

There are no bad foods - one day where a child eats pudding after not having a full dinner isn’t the end of the world. Fed is best.

Picking up the chair like that sounds completely unacceptable. Not sure how others are interpreting this differently.

Just wanted to share some support OP as this sounds really difficult to go through.