Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

A 6yr old autistic child curled up crying is not going to be sliding anywhere onto their feet - he would not be processing his surroundings fully by that point.

You and your DH need to have a talk, you need to be clear with him that it can’t happen again and that he needs support with this parenting. As him what he thinks school would do if DS goes into school and tells them what happened?
You can sympathise with DH, parenting a child with ASD is hard, he should not be hitting and in an ideal world he would do what is asked of him, and eat what he is given, but this is not the case.
DH needs to understand that he is the adult and therefore he needs to keep calm in these situations and parent, if he can’t, he needs to leave the room. You can’t teach a child to keep calm and manage situations of stress in a positive way, when a parent can’t do this themselves.

Tell your husband to read up about ARFID, your son could not eat that meal, not would not. There is a huge difference.

DS in bath said "is that what some daddies do?".

So what do you think?
What are you going to do to avoid a next time?
Your h is not in control
Next time your ds could get concussed
Your dh is justifying his reaction

He needs to leave and sort himself out

Lots of parents get pissy when their child isn't interested in what they'd love to share with them or they don't feel acknowedged for efforts they've made especially for their children.

Part of being ND is having intense reactions to those types of strong feelings. Part of managing your ND is understanding the things that cause you intense reactions and taking steps to resolve those feelings before you act on them. This is what the husband is missing.

I wish everyone could be conscious of when they are getting pissy at someone who doesnt share their interests or passions.

My ds (asd) was 'mollycoddled' from start to finish, helicopter parenting is actually a positive approach to children with ASD as confirmed by Professor Tony Attwood as it is what allows/enables them to cope. DS is now living away from home and working as a software engineer.

Your husband seems to have graduated from emotional abuse to physical abuse OP. It's absolutely heart braking for ds to ask if that's what some daddies do. It's been a month since I did my safe guarding course and i can confirm this is physical abuse. If your child has bruises down his side and it's noticed when he gets changed for PE or if he tells school that daddy threw him off a chair and hurt him what will you do then OP?

You need to report this in some way to cover yourself IMO OP. My cousin was stopped from seeing his child for a while for doing less to a non disabled child who was much older than yours.

Well he just got married and has a very successful career, high earner, happy, interesting hobbies, likes spending time with the family. He's my oldest.

Going by what you’ve said OP, there have been other incidents but this is an escalation? On that basis, and as your DH won’t engage to access support to meet your child’s needs, I’d ask him to leave.

He could have left the room when he first raised his hand to your son, but he stayed and made sure your DS knew he was bigger and stronger than him by picking up the chair and tipping him off it. That’s not one loss of control, it’s two and he chose to stay to do the second.

You're doing a great job in difficult circumstances but your DH has totally crossed a line tonight and instead of owning that, he’s turning on you. Totally unacceptable!

There is no world where what the father did was right. None at all. Not as a response to hitting - absolutely none

if he can’t see that it was wrong that is the real issue - we all make mistakes when parenting and we can all be pushed too much it is the fact he is not only standing by it but questioning the OP that is unacceptable

her children are frightened of the father - exactly what do you think will happen if he has bruises and the school ask how they happened?

It's just food, as long as DS is eating something, it doesn't matter. DH needs to stop taking it personally,

I wouldn't be happy with DH's behaviour, he's an adult he needs to deal with his own issues and not take them out on a child who is already struggling. Tipping a child onto the floor is horrible behaviour and if he's so inflexible that he can't engage with any of the learning associated with DS's disability then things aren't going to improve.

I think it’s irrelevant if the abusive bastard of a father is ND.

I know, it’s so sad. :(

An adult has more competence and control of their emotions than a child. An overwhelmed adult who is neuro divergent by this time should have worked out how to take themselves away from times of overwhelm. Tipping a child off a chair is not acceptable, ever. Especially not a child who is having a moment of dysregulation and is only six years old.

Also op, your child is not 'weird' around food. It's perfectly normal for anybody who is autistic to like food a certain way, and when it's different it's difficult.

Short term - can I suggest the children eat separately/earlier so that you avoid this conflict? Maybe just have family meals at the weekend when H isn’t overwhelmed after a long day at work?

He also needs to learn to walk away when the temperature is rising in the room, rather than fan the flames and lob gasoline on top.

I’d start there and then speak to school and GP about tension at home. You can also self-refer to social services for family support (we were given a youth worker who visited and spent 1 on 1 time with our eldest when she was struggling, for example) and there are ND orientated parenting courses that they can refer you to at the NAS.

Sure. But it’s a phenomenon often used to justify men’s poor behaviour. You see it on these boards all the time. A man made you feel uncomfortable by staring at you in the train station late at night? He was probably ND. Got mansplained to? He was probably ND. Husband a bit controlling? ‘Are you sure he’s not ND?’. It’s tiresome. It’s possible OP’s husband is ND. It’s also possible he’s NT with poor self control. I know people are saying they’re not trying to justify his behaviour, but it does do that in practice, and misrepresents a lot of ND people at the same time. It’s curious that female transgressions are rarely automatically connected to neurodiversity in quite the same way.

Anyway, I’m derailing. OP, there are going to be times when an ND child is going to push their parents to the limit. Whether your husband is ND or not, he needs to be proactive in developing coping techniques to deal with that. If he won’t entertain that, I’m afraid that, like others, I’d be questioning whether he is ultimately safe to be around an ND child.

H doesnt have long days at work. I do

Interesting and not at all surprising that money came twice before happiness.

Your description of his upbringing sounds like hell on earth for an autistic child with issues around eating. Autistic people will often liken unsafe foods to being being asked to eat dog faeces, or to eat from a plate where their safe food is next to dog faeces. It's not a choice, or a battle of wills or a power struggle and people who understand their autistic children know this.

This is an abusive parent who is escalating.

And the recipient of the abuse is a neuro divergent 6 year old child.

What the actual fuck is wrong with people excusing the father ? 🙄🙄🙄

I agree.

I also think mealtimes shouldn’t be a battle ground as it will cause all kinds of problems

I'm shocked at the people saying it's an acceptable way for an adult to react and behave towards a small child. OP, if you're erring on that side of the fence, I would urge you to contact social services, tell them EXACTLY what happened, and ask for help/see what they recommend.

You are not the weaker parent your husband is. He was violent towards a 6 year old who could barely have tapped him. He’s six. He’s neurodivergent, he’s being antagonised by one of the people who are supposed to love him unconditionally.

Your H was out of control and aggressive towards a 6 year old. However you dress this up, this is what it comes down to. A grown man was aggressive towards a small child because he wouldn’t eat a chicken nugget.

OP I’m sorry but you have a big problem that will not get any better unless addressed. Your husband is the problem, not your son. Your son is a child and he is not.

Sorry that sounded more grumpy than I intended it to @CautiousLurker2 I just have really had a long day at work and H works part time. I know he can still get stressed but any idea of this poor exhausted man is not true. Thank you for yoir advice.

Your H is an aggressive, ignorant and self-absorbed man, unable and unwilling to do what he needs to do to become a parent who meets his challenging children’s needs, without inflaming stressful situations to a point where he loses control completely and sees violence as the only way to react.

You are doing everything you can do meet your children’s needs.
You do all the parenting.
You are walking on eggshells, waiting for the next blow-up.

Is there ANY realistic chance of things improving? If not, you know what you need to do. I think you’ll find parenting and life in general infinitely easier without him.

DH is v obsessed with us not being grateful enough about the food he cooks. He takes it personally that the kids bloody wont eat their chicken.

So?
They are kids.
Does not mean he can tip people out of their chairs.
Do an experiment....Try telling dh his food is ok but needs more salt. Will he tip you out of your chair?

Your dh needs help and quick.
He is not coping
Next time ds will be in a and e....

What is your red line?
Will you ask him to leave "next time" ?
Or tell him he must seek help now or leave now?

Agree. Your h needs to address his own behaviour op.