Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

To be honest, it was a poor reaction but I understand getting to the end of your tether.

If he wants your son to eat and he's being difficult, it is the wrong way to go about it but it is absolutely exhausting living with a child that is inflexible and controlling.

He needs support to manage his emotions. Your son needs support with his and you both need to enroll on a course about supporting an autistic child so you are on the same page.

The child is 6. This is terrible advice. And nothing to do with the school

My son is the same age and ASD so this really hit home. Does your husband actually understand autism and how difficult every day is for your little boy and how the change in food can be so stressful he’d rather go hungry?

Mine also hates being looked at. This broke my heart.

Raising autistic children is hard, very hard
particularly when they’re violent, who is on the receiving end of the violence?You both really need to be on the same page. Maybe go to school and ask for a referral for Early Help. It sounds as if you
all need some support.

It wasn’t me who posted that but I think it is.

It’s absolutely exhausting and weve all lost it in sone way at some point but he physically hurt ds. That is nof ok.

This is really dangerous nonsense. We - and all of our friends - are ND with ND children and not one of us has ever physically abused a child. It’s a red line, always, for everyone in every family. ND children have as much right to be safe from abuse as anyone else, and ND parents aren’t more likely to commit crimes against their children than NT ones.

I agree with this to a point. But im doing 99% of the work here in terms of courses and techniques and honestly he hits us once or twice a month and v half heartedly. Im not defending DS I know its unacceptable but hes made such progress. He used to hit me multiple times a day when he was 2 and 3. We don't live in fear of him. He is happy and loving 95% of the time. And when DS starts to get frustrated H adds to it by responding v heavy handed.

No it isn’t. It’s spot on and very good advice. Go to school they can signpost you to help.

Please talk to child protection tomorrow and get advice from DSL at their school. Tell them what you wrote here , get advice then do what everyone here suggests.

My exh wax an abusive alcoholic and my sons were saved at 8 and 10. Don't stay and hope it will improve because the damage is already done,.

This is very good advice.

This is actually sound advice and is correct

Absolutely terrible advice. Though the school should make a social services referral

Im so sorry youre going through this op.

Had DH had time to calm down? You need to sit and get to the bottom of this. He needs to understand he did thr wrong thing and go a parentng course. The important thing is him wanting to change. The LA will have loads.

Nope it’s good advice.

Nothing in OP's description makes her husband sound neurodivergent at all. Being neurodivergent is not a catch-all term for men who are arseholes - no matter how people use it excuse the behaviour of abusive men.
I would say he sounds neurotically male in a way that makes him quick to anger when the household patriarchy, with him at the head, isn't being upheld in the wants it to.

Your husband purposely tipped a 6 year old child of a chair onto a hard floor in temper. This is inexcusable.

This is a genuine question for the posters saying that if the H is ND then it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but it can be used as an excuse for the child - at what point is that line drawn? Like when does the neurodiversity stop being an excuse? It doesn’t sound like the H went out of his way to hurt or be abusive, more that he got overwhelmed and reacted in the moment. I agree he should have walked away sooner, but equally hasn’t he just boiled over in the same way his son has because of the way their brain functions?

Your H needs to start going on the courses and learning how to deal with his son.

He doesn’t have a choice in this, he either gets help or leaves the home.

Yes OP listen to all the handwringers and wait until he breaks your son’s arm👍
Or spine

And there’s no doubt that your H caused this event this evening by winding up a 6 year old.

Have you ever raised a violent autistic child?

I have, and I suspect a lot of people who respond to this thread will have. It doesn’t make physical abuse of that child one whit more excusable.

To clear things up

1. I think H probably is ASD. I have tried to gently suggest it for years. He gets v mad at it and refuses to discuss

1. The school have been v supportive. He is already on a special plan with a live EHCP application. I went on a weekly course for an entire term. I go to regular meetings with SENCO. I have had HVs round. The support has lessened in the last yr as DS makes such progress - he is a different kid to 2.5 yrs ago. I've worked hard at this. So has he. H says he doesnt need a course or book to tell him hoe to parent

This is worst incident but not fiest incident. I have tried to get H to get help and advice many many times.

Surely a 6yo would just slid off the chair and landing on his feet? He's hardly been thrown from a great height. I'm slightly confused but the dramatic reaction, a chair is like 2ft of the ground. A 6yo is what, 4ft?

6yo definitely isn't a toddler and shouldn't be hitting!

Would you consider an ultimatum @Spiderwoman123? Get assessed and take a parenting course or we are looking at the end of the road?