Need people's views on what just happened in my home

[Spiderwoman123]

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

@KetchUpWithEverythingPls he has a comfortable life and he doesnt want to be alone. The house is paid for, the bills sorted, the school admin, all done by me. And he stays for the kids. He has traditional ideas about family. He would think of it as a "broken home".

He starts a new job in a month or so. I struggle to see how I can do it then. He's v intense shall we say when he has new things in his life. I think he wouldn't cope with new job and split at same time.

But God does he have contempt for me. I feel it. I think because I've been stronger v recently etc that the atmosphere btw us is now totally toxic. I'm sitting on the sofa with him right now and the tension is unbearable

There is never going to be a good time to leave. Next month its his job. Then it will be something else.

The thing is because you've tried before and gone back on it he will try all the tactics and escalate when he doesnt get his way. You'll have manipulation,love bombing, mental health crisis, the works. You need to stay strong and follow through.

Your not happy, te kids aren't happy and fuck me he's most certainly not happy.

I think you need to engage in therapy and unpick why you are tolerating him and his behaviour. I think you need to do some self care even if thar means booing some A/L while the kids are at school. You need the strength and energy to LTB. I reckon he's keeping you exhausted and overwhelmed so you just don't have the energy.

Life is far too short for this shit.

He isn’t going to magically wake up one day and have had a personality transplant.

This is who he is.

Your children do not deserve to be forced to live walking on eggs shells in this toxic household.

It's really not your issue whether he copes or not. You have to do what's best for you and your boys. You've said he's had both kids in tears and no one is happy, how can it be worse to seperate? So long as you will be safe.

I really think you need to leave this man.

Im sorry to say but he already lives in a broken home.
I hope this thread gives you strength op.

OP what did he do with the birthday incident that led you to counselling? Can you tell us more?

Completely agree with this first and foremost.

Secondly please look into ARFID as that’s what I have and many other children and adults who are neurodivergent.
We have limited safe foods we can eat and it needs to be handled very carefully because of it being an eating disorder.

@Spiderwoman123 do your reasons for staying are actually about protecting him just as much as your children?

Why this is an awful environment for them nothing can actually be worse than what they are living right now because you being there isn’t stopping him os it?

Every day you choose to stay is another day of your and your children’s lives being ruined by your husband’s
vile behaviour and actions.

If what has already happened isn’t enough to make you kick him out I’m not sure what is. He’s making your life infinitely harder.

Please for your children’s sake, if you
can’t do it for yourself, be strong and end this broken marriage and start to rebuild and repair, before something even more truly awful happens.

Do you and the kids really want to be the sponge that has to absorb the extra stress of him finding it hard to cope in a new job - which will only intensify his current appalling behaviour.

He's violent.

Glad to see that the OP is getting support now.

Stop protecting him and making sure his needs are met.

What do you need?
What do your children need?

You need to reframe the way you think. Your priority should be you amd the kids, and the quicker you get out the better.

Please go to the GP and get some therapy. CBT will help support you to leave him for good.

There are a few things wrong with this approach.

Instructing the OP to "reframe" the way she thinks is a mistake. And while I agree that it would be helpful for the OP to have therapy, good luck getting it any time soon via the GP.

The idea that having CBT will magically enable the OP to leave her abusive husband is really not thought through.

Hi. Sadly divorce rates for parents of children with SEN and disabilities are really high. It is hard to cope with the child's needs and to be on the same page and it is easy to see separating as the only reasonable solution.

Family therapy is what comes to mind here. You could ask your GP for a referral.

What your husband needs is to not take your son's behaviour personally and that's easier said than done. Also understanding how to deescalate and make up.

All of this is available through parenting courses but it takes time and commitment to change. If he won't engage, I suggest you hire someone to do after school care to keep your husband away from what is clearly a trigger point ie the food.

I have a daughter with PDA, and I know how difficult it can be to stay calm when they are being so seemingly unreasonable.

Regarding the safeguarding issue. Child Services would.not class this as serious risk but courts tend to take a more conservative view and they may at least require mandatory parenting courses. I don't know if that would help? Have you considered domestic violence counselling for yourself to discuss his anger, verbal and emotional abuse? Getting these services involved just for you at this point could be protective.

Leave. Please leave him @Spiderwoman123, you only get one life, do it for your kids but also do it for you. Leaving him won’t be about making your life better at the expense of your children but it will be about making all of your lives better. You worry they may not be physically safe if left alone with him but they’re not mentally safe now and that will fuck them up to no end. I’m not trying to guilt you trip you but instead trying to explain that your reason for staying is no reason at all.

What would your life be like now if you had really left him all those years ago? Visualise it, write it down.

I hope you’re as ok as you can be. I do think you should leave him, but I’m not you who is living with it. For what it’s worth, I think your boys are lucky to have you. Focus on them maybe? ❤️

Therapy will help her to consider what is happening in a different way- it isn't a simple fix. But it is a step in the right direction to build a support network and have a safe space to consider and work through things.
Depending on your area you can get Therapy fairly quickly via the NHS- mine starting 4 weeks after asking.
I haven't said that OP has done anything wrong. In a previous comment I said she has been conditioned to think of him and his needs, he's very cleverly done this slowly over the years. I am pointing out to her that she needs to reframe her focus, not that her focus is wrong, she now needs to look at her thought process from a different viewpoint. Terminology that was used with me when I was going through something very similar and it helped me to just look again at my gut instinct- the gut instinct that I trusted but now I can see was focused on his needs above my own and my children's. In a healthy family dynamic, one person's needs do not come above every one else's
My post was only to support.

Thank you. I appreciate your detailed explanation. I can understand your description of the healthy family dynamic much better now.

I have personal experience of trying to get CBT via the GP, so I may be a bit jaded with regard to the amount of time it takes between getting a referral and actually seeing somebody. As you say, where you live affects the availability of the service.

It can’t be that bad if you’re still sitting on the sofa with him!

It actually IS that bad!

Oh there are a few other things you could add - "pull yourself together!" "get a grip", "stop whingeing", and so on.

It doesn't help to try to minimise what the OP is saying. Your comment is unkind and thoughtless.

It’s not unkind or thoughtless.

I just know there would be no way I’d be sitting next to him if everything the OP said was true! I’d be in a different room altogether.

OP he’s a horrible, horrible man.

Also, there a a lot of really horrible posters on this thread. I hope you’re able to ignore the nasty ones.