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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you continue to see him if you found this out?

212 replies

Highlightnight · 03/12/2025 17:31

So I have found out that the guy I have been seeing got a suspended sentence for having sex with an under age girl many years ago. He was early 20s and she was 15. He claims he did not know her age and she looked a lot older. Would you continue to see him?

OP posts:
CraftyPlayer · 03/12/2025 19:11

God no.

CandyCaneKisses · 03/12/2025 19:15

It would be the end for me.

PolkaDotPorridge · 03/12/2025 19:16

Absolutely not!

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 03/12/2025 19:17

When I was 15, I tried to look much older - we all did !
It was quite common for my classmates to screw "older" men. Who wants to fuck a pimply youth ?

Moveoverdarlin · 03/12/2025 19:20

Possibly. I disagree with the poster who said 15 year old girls look like 15 year old girls. When I was a teenager in the 90s my best friend looked 19 when she was 13. She always got in clubs with no problems. From the age of about 14/15, if a boy asked how old I was I would always add on a few years. But this was back in the 90s where most girls in the last year of school were dating boys / men who could drive.

I would be wary, and I would have to do some digging myself.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/12/2025 19:22

Oh come on. Obviously not.

Isn’t this statutory rape? Would I date a rapist? Not knowingly.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 03/12/2025 19:24

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/12/2025 19:22

Oh come on. Obviously not.

Isn’t this statutory rape? Would I date a rapist? Not knowingly.

And it seems like he did not knowingly commit statutory rape.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/12/2025 19:25

Horrified that anyone thinks this is ok because “things were different in the past”, “I had sex with a 25 year old when I was 15 so it’s fine”and “15 year old girls look older”. Disgusting.

smallsilvercloud · 03/12/2025 19:26

I’m 45 it was more normal 30 years ago, more icky now though, what stands out more is the lying, he claims he didn’t know her age, I don’t believe that, also a suspended sentence, I think it’s more than age related, something went far more wrong to get to court.

somanychristmaslights · 03/12/2025 19:27

Absolutely not. Even if she looked a few years older, what is a man in his 20s doing with a much younger girl. A 15 year old doesn’t look 20.

Sortalike · 03/12/2025 19:28

There's much more he hasn't told you, so bear that in mind. You could request information under Clare's Law, but I think you know what your own answer is here.

MaggiesShadow · 03/12/2025 19:28

Ew, no. Absolutely not. He was a grown man in his 20s. How much older can he have thought she was? Just because something is borderline legal doesn't mean it's remotely ethical.

If someone's sexual preference doesn't mature with them then, IMO, they're always at best sleazy and predatory and at worst...well, you know.

Billions of men in the world and you want to saddle yourself with an adult who was sexually attracted to a child? Just, why?

Ahfiddlesticks · 03/12/2025 19:33

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/12/2025 19:25

Horrified that anyone thinks this is ok because “things were different in the past”, “I had sex with a 25 year old when I was 15 so it’s fine”and “15 year old girls look older”. Disgusting.

I don't know, I would absolutely hate to think the men I (consentingly) slept with when I was 15 and he was 22 was still being impacted by what we did almost 30 years ago. Seems a bit much to be honest. I don't look back and think "he was taking advantage of me" - I was in the pub, drinking beer and very happy to be out with him, sleeping with him etc.

If my parents had known I think my mum would have reported him though. So I'm glad she didn't.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/12/2025 19:33

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 03/12/2025 19:24

And it seems like he did not knowingly commit statutory rape.

How do you know this? Because the OP says he said he thought she was older? For some reason…that’s just not enough for me. Still don’t want to date a convicted rapist. Gosh I’m just weird like that.

freakingscared · 03/12/2025 19:34

No , just the implications of dating a sexual offender would put me off let alone the rest of the doubts .

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/12/2025 19:36

Ahfiddlesticks · 03/12/2025 19:33

I don't know, I would absolutely hate to think the men I (consentingly) slept with when I was 15 and he was 22 was still being impacted by what we did almost 30 years ago. Seems a bit much to be honest. I don't look back and think "he was taking advantage of me" - I was in the pub, drinking beer and very happy to be out with him, sleeping with him etc.

If my parents had known I think my mum would have reported him though. So I'm glad she didn't.

Yes poor guy. But you’re not going to report him to the police so he’s probably ok.

Consent doesn’t come into it when you’re a child. I’m sure you can appreciate why.

FindingMeno · 03/12/2025 19:37

No way.

Shardonneigghhh · 03/12/2025 19:39

There was a conviction so that would lead me to believe there is more to the story than he is telling you.

What are your intentions for this relationship? If you are thinking the future could include starting a family together, please be aware there will be a case opened with social services to decide whether this man is a risk.

phantomofthepopera · 03/12/2025 19:39

No. I worked with someone years ago who disclosed a similar conviction - said he was late teens and she was his girlfriend a couple of years younger. Whoever interviewed him took him at his word and hired him. When his DBS came back he had multiple convictions for sex offences including raping a 15 year old girl at a bus stop when he was in his late 20s.

MabelsBeats · 03/12/2025 19:46

I have a DD who is 15. She is so precious, gorgeous, amazing looking, fun. Adores skincare, makeup, fashion. Probably looks older if you saw her in a photo.

HOWEVER: she has jellycat bunnies lined up above her bed. She fights with her little sister and plays house with her when they make up. She is nervous around adults. She is working hard towards her GCSEs.

The ‘looking older’ is a total facade. Anyone who spoke to her for more than 10 minutes would know she is a child. And I think this is true of any 15 year old.

NautilusLionfish · 03/12/2025 19:46

Izzywizzy85 · 03/12/2025 17:39

No I wouldn’t. I’ve never met a 15 year old who wasn’t very obviously 15, regardless of what she looked like. Huge red flag.

especially many years ago when kids had less access to fillers, ultra hair bleach and tans that can make kids look older. even then...
Bin that man @Highlightnight

zebrazoop · 03/12/2025 19:46

No

VoodooQualities · 03/12/2025 19:54

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 03/12/2025 19:17

When I was 15, I tried to look much older - we all did !
It was quite common for my classmates to screw "older" men. Who wants to fuck a pimply youth ?

That's because you were a silly, naive teenager. Any decent man would have asked you how old you are then told you to stick to the pimply youths in your class. Or maybe wait a few years until you're actually ready to have sex with a grown man.

Not many decent men around maybe, of course.

Imagine being a 23 year old woman and shagging a 15 year old boy.

Sassylovesbooks · 03/12/2025 19:56

If he got a suspended sentence, then it suggests there's more to it than him 'thinking she was older', and he didn't do anything wrong. He must have been reported by someone too. With a suspended sentence I would imagine that the judge believed your boyfriend had prior knowledge, that he suspected she was underage or it was blindingly obvious.
Yes, some teens do look much older. My friend worked in a local hairdressers, along with another girl who was younger than us. This girl was a tall, willowy, pretty blonde and she was 15. She would get into clubs, drink in pubs with fake ID. A young lad used to come in the salon, he was around 20, training to be a PE teacher, and this girl fancied him and he liked her too - she'd told him she was 18. They went on a date, and she told him she was going on work experience the following week. He saw me and my friend in the street and asked us straight out 'How old is X, because she told me she's 18, yet she's going on work experience, it doesn't add up'. We were a bit hesitant, and he said 'Please tell me the truth, I'm training to be a PE teacher, it will destroy my career if she's underage'. My friend made excuses and left, but I told him the truth. He was very very thankful, but he said if she hadn't had made the slip up with the work experience, he may have never realised until too late. Nothing physical has taken place between them, because her slip up rang alarm bells for him. He was angry at the salon owner because she'd encouraged him to ask the girl out, knowing her employee was only 15!! This was back in the early 90s, when things like this happened a lot. Yes, it's not always obvious, as girls can appear mature. In the OP's situation, there's more to it, than her partner is saying.

Eviebeans · 03/12/2025 20:00

What is your own gut feeling about it

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