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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

473 replies

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

OP posts:
schoolfriend · 02/12/2025 22:01

No. He’s a dick for asking.

Hercisback1 · 02/12/2025 22:02

Absolutely not OK.

More time and space needed. I'd suggest separate Christmases after this year. For your wellbeing, as well as that of the children. If they grow up with separate being the norm, it's easier on everyone.

OneLovingDog · 02/12/2025 22:02

Would be a firm no from me.

youalright · 02/12/2025 22:03

This is why you do Christmas seperate and drop the happy family act. Your divorced act like it and split the days

Original poster
Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:04

Hercisback1 · 02/12/2025 22:02

Absolutely not OK.

More time and space needed. I'd suggest separate Christmases after this year. For your wellbeing, as well as that of the children. If they grow up with separate being the norm, it's easier on everyone.

Yeah we will definitely do separate ones from next year, this just felt a bit too soon.

OP posts:
Tiger12 · 02/12/2025 22:04

That’s a seriously weird suggestion. I wouldn’t entertain for a moment.

Hohofortherobbers · 02/12/2025 22:04

You have been more than reasonable inviting the ex , his new boyfriend is a step too far

Dontpokethebearnow · 02/12/2025 22:04

Of course not. Your ex's DP is non of your concern and your priority is your children.
You don't need to have anyone in your house you don't want to, and it will be weird enough for you all. If he wasn't gay and it was a woman he was asking to bring round would you feel it was reasonable for him to ask? It's no different a situation in this circumstance regardless of gender.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 02/12/2025 22:04

Your ex needs to be firmly told to put his children first.

Glenthebattleostrich · 02/12/2025 22:05

Sorry, he actually asked if the person he was cheating with could come to Christmas dinner. Hell no, you cheat this is the consequence.

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango2 · 02/12/2025 22:05

youalright · 02/12/2025 22:03

This is why you do Christmas seperate and drop the happy family act. Your divorced act like it and split the days

Some divorced people try and be amicable you know?

JudgeBread · 02/12/2025 22:06

Absolutely fucking not.

Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman · 02/12/2025 22:06

It’s absolutely not unreasonable to say no. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to suggest you just do separate Christmases this year instead either.

Hazlenuts2016 · 02/12/2025 22:06

It would be a no from me. Sounds v insensitive of him.

Swiftie1878 · 02/12/2025 22:07

That’d be a firm no.
Then it’s up to your ex if he comes to you (and the kids) or stays with his partner.

Next year, SEPARATE CHRISTMASES!!

Ffififofum · 02/12/2025 22:07

Nope, not ok !

So it’s been agreed that to make things seem a bit more normal for the kids, you and Ex h meet for Xmas morning together with the kids ?
That sounds like a nice idea.

How normal is it going to seem to the kids to have their dad appear with his live in lover ??

Aside from how shitty it will be for you !

Inappropriate and insensitive.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 02/12/2025 22:08

Absolutely not! Why are you having to make Christmas better for him and his boyf. He needs to get a grip.

beAsensible1 · 02/12/2025 22:09

no. It’s not unreasonable to say no.

it’s unreasonable for him to ask. Just separate Christmas from this year.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2025 22:09

Oh dear god no. What the fuck is he thinking? Selfish arsehole. Say no and if you get anything other than a gracious acceptance tell him you won’t be having him over on the day either.

If it was another woman there’s just no way he’d even consider asking but he presumably thinks now he’s living his truth and been all brave and brilliant you’ll suck it up. Say no. And I’m so sorry, you’ve been through enough already 💐

lljkk · 02/12/2025 22:09

I'd be minded to say Yes.
Maybe for context... my family Christmas events growing up, always included some random stray people who didn't have somewhere better to go. Friends of my cousins or aunts and extended family. It was normal to have people I never met at Christmas. Christian thing to include them, maybe (although our Xmas event wasn't at all religious).

You can't host him if his company will upset you, of course.

AwfullyGood · 02/12/2025 22:10

Let's be honest here, 18 months is far too soon for a new partner to be joining in for Christmas when the kids are so small.

You wouldn't want a new female partner there either.

It's the newness and confusion for your child which are the biggest issues, not his sexuality, in case he accuses you of otherwise.

Offit · 02/12/2025 22:10

Jesus, of course not! I can't believe the gall he has to even ask.

teaandtoastwouldbenice · 02/12/2025 22:10

It’s not about him being a man, that you need to say no, it’s unfair if you feel uncomfortable with your ex’s partner spending your Christmas with you and your children. If it was a woman I think some would find it easier to say no.

This is the first Xmas where you can pave the way forward for Christmas’s to come. Your children don’t want either of their parents to be uncomfortable and separate days might be best. Tell him what you want to happen - it’s perhaps unrealistic for the two of you to always spend it together - my parents did this from age 5 and it set up many miserable angsty Christmas days that me and my sister did not enjoy and it lasted well into our adulthoods, this idea of the parents needs taking precedence rather than allowing alternate Christmas’s. Honestly do what makes you feel happiest.

Missj25 · 02/12/2025 22:11

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

Hey OP ..
You feel uncomfortable with it & that’s all that matters , so of course you’re not unreasonable to say no .
If you felt completely at ease with it then it would be perfect to say yes 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Happy Christmas to you & your family .
You sound like a lovely lady ☺️ X

bert3400 · 02/12/2025 22:11

If your XH was in a straight relationship with a woman, would it be acceptable for her to gatecrash your Christmas..... absolutely not, so why the new Boyfriend?

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