Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

[Christmasissue25]

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

Sod that. You delivering the nice, cosy family Christmas for him is one of the things he gave up when you divorced. I’d tell him he’s responsible for giving the kids his own Christmas. The presents, the dinner, the planning: he has to do all that himself now. Going back decades now, but the first few Christmases after my parents divorced my mother tried to make this ‘united front’ stuff work. My father would spend Christmas Eve getting drunk, stay in bed with a hangover till dinner was served for him, eat it and piss off. Stop throwing Christmas for him. Him and his toyboy are responsible for themselves.

You need to do what is best for your children. Your love for them should override everything else you feel/don’t feel towards ex and his partner.

What's best for her children is what's best for her.
She's their primary carer.

Stop asking a woman to submit to a misogynistic man who clearly doesn't put his children's needs ahead of his own.

Who the hell does he think he is. It is not acceptable for your ex to demand this and very inconsiderate. You should decline.

Yes think carefully about this one OP. It may seem obvious to everyone that young children shouldn't be exposed to new boyfriends and girlfriends until the relationship is super established and that maybe a switch of sexual orientation might make this even trickier for the children or even that it might be hard for their mother to put on a cheery stressfree christmas if the new squeeze is sitting at her table eating the turkey she bought and cooked.

But there a fair few women on this site who think the best thing for your children would be to have daddy's new young boyfriend at their christmas dinner. Seriously - you couldn't make this up. I've said it earlier. There is something about gay men that makes some women lose all sense.

Yep @Pallisers the fawning handmaidens!

Err FRO

I'd say a big no. It doesn't sound like a stable relationship and I wouldn't want to have to explain it to such young children.

At no point did I express that I meant either side of the argument. I literally meant she needs to do what is best for her kids, whatever that may be. None of us actually know this woman, her ex or her kids. For all we know he could be some sexual predator since the dude is half his age. Which is why I’m saying the kids need to be put first. I’d say by all parties, he’s not on here asking for advice but if he was I’d say the same thing to him.

Your ex is on another planet.

He’s on this one, sadly. A planet where women are socialised to think they have to continue to provide care and service to men who long since surrendered any claim they might have had to either. I’m furious for OP. His request is an utter insult. If he wanted to continue enjoying the benefits of marriage then he shouldn’t have left her for a a bloke young enough to be his own son.

@ArchieStar OP has said that having the BF there will make her uncomfortable. We have that information to go on. How do you think having their primary carer feeling upset and uncomfortable is good for the DC? It doesn’t sound like she has ever met the BF. How would having to cater to a person you have never met and who is the BF of your ex be good for the DC? It’s not like he is an important person in their lives. If he is there it will distract their father and upset their mum.

Basic critical thinking makes it clear this is not in the best interests of the DC.

It’s simply a way for ex and BF to get a catered meal without lifting a finger. BF has plenty of time to make other arrangements.

Absolutely. They’re laughing at OP and mugging her off. Ex can do his own Christmas for the kids.

Nope! I mean there is taking on a united front for the kids from the both of you, thats hard enough! This is totally out of the question. He is being very insensitive and taking the absolute piss with you. Stand your ground and say no. Your understanding and and standing firm for the kids sake will only go so far!

Nope no way!

Youve been humiliated enough by his concealment and deceit all your married life. Of course he knew he was gay and used you to appear hetero and to breed with.

You dont need further humiliation by now being a servant to his f buddy.

He has told you he never wants to be in a relationship with a woman ever again. Well he needs to own that! That means he never gets to play house with you again while you cook xmas dinner for him like a wife.

Tell him to come alone in the morning to see kids open presents. Then you will each retire to respective households for dinner.
He needs to go home and cook a turkey for his new life partner.

Yep. Never wants to be in a relationship with a woman again but quite happy to continue benefitting from the gendering of labour.

He can go stuff his own turkey.

Its the fact women are conditioned to be kind and accepting and inclusive to them even when they have done them harm.

Bottom line is she wouldnt be expected to host her 40 year old ex husbands 24 year old girlfriend for xmas dinner. He wouldnt even dare ask. But she supposed to fawn over this young man because he is gay.

She has said she feels uncomfortable.

The end

This depends how did u 2 end things? Was it mutual? How do u see the future do u want 1 big happy family with ex husband and bf? If he's going to be part of the kids lives? Maybe to soon for u maybe not but I'd rather get on with the new partner than act cold. UNLESS THE SITUATION IS WERE HE CHEATED ON U WITH SAID PERSON THEN THAT'S DIFFERENT x

Agree! Me and my ex split 10 years ago but we still do Xmas mornings together with the kids. Their gifts are from both of us and it just works for us.

We don’t do lunch though but we did do Xmas eve until last year (we would have pizza and watch a movie, something we started before we split up) but the kids are past the father Xmas stuff now so we’ve changed it this year to just Xmas morning. They were 4 and 6 when we separated and we didn’t want to halve the amount of Xmas eves and mornings so as we were amicable we saw no reason why once a year we could do this for the kids.

Well being amicable and sharing Christmas with the DC was exactly what the OP was trying to achieve @Christmasissue25 except her knobchops exHB wants to bring his new lover too!

He’ll be waiting back at the flat presumably