Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

[Christmasissue25]

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

No, way too soon. Maybe in a few years if everyone gets along by then, the kids are happy with it, you are happy then maybe. But one year on. It just would be way too much. Why should you have to deal with this over your Christmas.

They’ve been together for all of five minutes. His boyfriend should do what he would have done if he wasn’t dating. Coming out as gay doesn’t release him from the sin of infidelity. He should be more sensitive to your feelings and to the needs of your young children.

"No, I'm not ok adding any new partners to a day that will already be emotionally difficult. I'm happy to do a joint Christmas morning and lunch with the four of us this one year as a transition or we can celebrate separately. You're also welcome to still come for morning present opening with the kids and then leave before lunch."

General advice/perspective: people who want to have an amicable split and co-parenting relationship sometimes overlook the value of being very intentional about setting new boundaries and deliberately ending the romantic partnership and the old patterns and relationship it entailed. Create clear, intentional separation (obviously this doesn't mean being ugly to each other) and then work on building a brand new relationship as co-parents and even friends if you choose, rather than trying to sort of water your old relationship down gradually. The latter approach often seems like it will be easier or less antagonistic but more often than not it fuels resentment, confusion, and a struggle to build new separate lives.

If you’re not comfortable with the BF joining you then of course you can say no. It’s obviously better for the children if you can all get on and great that you are making the effort but if it makes you feel awkward then suggest that DH comes to open presents then spends the rest of the day with his BF.
My exDH & I spent Xmas morning together for the first year or so but it soon petered out and we had separate Christmases from then on . The kids actually preferred it as they got 2 Christmas days !

No, if he wants to see the children it would be best if he visits on his own. I thiink he is very cheeky for asking. He can leave his partner for a few hours I am sure. I am also sure his partner would understand.

Gay men who enter into relationships with women are assholes.

He's coercing you, OP. He wants to parade his boyfriend in the family home, be damned with your feelings.

People like you are utterly insufferable and wet. Cannot listen to any sense of realism without throwing a word with “phobic” at the end of it, thinking it will shut down your opponent, and win your argument.

Some of us don’t care about aligning in this circus of a woke world we’ve become. We all know that man was banging other blokes.

I wouldn't, because you are not comfortable, and children will pick up on that, and that is the sort of thing that really upsets them, IMO.

I wouldn't make it into a huge thing with your ex - if it were me I would just say 'no, I will find that too upsetting as it is so recent'. It's perfectly ok to remind him that this is upsetting for you. You are not under any obligation to pretend to be happy about it all. And it is much better for your children if they aren't put in a situation where they sense that you are feeling miserable and the cause of it is daddy's new partner.

He is not thinking of DC. He is thinking of his new BF and I personally would not accommodate that request. Either he just comes over to see the children in the morning then goes and has lunch with his BF or you have the DC Christmas Day and he has Boxing Day. Then he can do as he wishes within reason.

Ha ha ha ha. No. I wouldn’t have my ex’s girlfriend here and we have been separated for 5 years.

As it happens op you may decide you don’t want to do “family things” together soon enough. We used to do things just the 4 of us for a couple of years post split but we don’t do it anymore mainly because I can’t stand having my ex in my house.

I agree. I think if the adults can be amicable then that is better for the kids. It may be just an act, but that’s what you do if necessary just for one day in the year. I can’t see why separate Christmases just because divorced, unless acrimonious/abusive. The kids come first, plus being open-hearted at a time of year when such actions are encouraged (think of Scrooge’s nephew)

No it's not.
A man who is sexually attracted to other men is not going to only have sex with his wife - he'll do that to get what he wants - children and to fool her so that she goes along with the fake marriage.

However, he's not going to live like a monk.
I have plenty of gay friends and was brought out to gay clubs with them while abroad for work - it was an eye opener.

Calling someone homophobic for being a realist is petty on your part.

Say no. This is simply not on.

Absolutely not. No one would expect you to host his new girlfriend!

Yanbu to say no but probably best to do seperate Christmas going forward, they just very rarely work especially once one or both parents have moved on.

Wow!! Really insensitive of your ex there!

just say no! If he tries to throw it back in your face by accusing you of not accepting his relationship just ask “would you ask your partner to come from Christmas if they were female?”

I bet he would not have and irrespective of sexual orientation to ask your relatively new ex if your new partner can come for Christmas dinner is just cringe.

remind him that his children come first and that he’s still a dad and if that means Christmas lunch there without his partner as planned then that’s what he needs to honour

Children pick up on these things. It puts enormous pressure on a child to require them to play along when they know that one parent is unhappy and the reason is the other parent. It's actually quite a cruel thing to do.

Seriously.

The gall of this man.
OP - you don't have to make yourself uncomfortable in your own home. Your ex is really pushing his luck.

It's ok for him to ask ...it's ok for you to say no

Way too soon. That is the kind of thing you do when you are 10 or 20 years out and the relationship feels like just a phase of your life.

Yes it’s a reasonable question. It may benefit you to stay friendly with both of them. It’s still ok to say no if you do t want to.

"No that doesnt work for me, I am happy for you to be here for the morning for the kids presents but then the kids and I will have lunch here and you and X can have yours at your place"

And stick with it.

The sexuality is immaterial. He doesnt get to start a new life with someone else (and he cheated btw) but still get to do all the nice fun bits of family life, with hot young thang by his side. Fuck that shit.

The cheeky twat.

I’d absolutely be saying no. Way too much, way too soon, and way too much ignoring how such a request might make you feel.