Page 18 | Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

the7Vabo · 04/12/2025 09:20

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2025 22:58

Why is it that some people think that husband cheating with a man isnt as bad as cheating with another woman?

Is it because Other Man isnt an insult in the same way another woman is? 40's husband leaves for 24 year old woman. = slap in the face for almost 40's wife "what a bastard, take the shit to the cleaners blah blah"

Husband leaves for 24 year old man = "Oh well, he is following his true self. He can't help being gay. You should be kind and inclusive" which implies that if the OP says no she is being homophobic.

FUCK THAT SHIT!

Cheating is cheating. I do not belive for one second that he didnt cheat. Not one teeny tiny nano second. Its not homophobic to say "I do not want your new boyfriend in my home on Xmas day" any more than it is misogynistic to say "I do not want your new girlfriend in my home on Xmas day". And I would argue (as others have) that he didnt just wake up one morning and decided that he is gay, so he lied during their marriage, if not throughout, about his true feelings which a betrayal in itself.

Can anyone honestly say that they would happily invite the OW to their Xmas table because "she will be on her own otherwise"? No they fucking wouldnt.

Cop on.

Edited

Regardless of whether he cheated and regardless of the BF’s age, this is an appalling situation for the OP to be in.

And people who downplay it aren’t doing women any favours.

This man has possibly intentionally deprived not only the OP but the two children of a nuclear family.

And finding your sexuality while you are supposed to be raising very young kids doesn’t say much about priorities.

TMMC1 · 04/12/2025 11:51

In the interests of a big family Christmas then yes. Think long term about this: how it would be best for your children if you are all amicable and can socialise in the same room at the same time for birthdays and events and so on.
you don’t have to be new best friends, but if you can all get along, and any future partner of yours, that really is in everybody’s best interests, particularly the children.

at the same time, do what feels right for you.

there isn’t a right or wrong answer here.

SevenYellowHammers · 04/12/2025 15:05

JoClogs · 04/12/2025 01:06

You are free to believe in any fairy tale you choose.
I don't believe this man's lies, not for a nano second.
His actions speak louder than his words.
His contempt for his ex-wife is obvious by his desire to rub salt into her wounds by inviting his toyboy to her home on Xmas Day.
He is a callous sadistic B. who used and abused this young woman for his own end.

You are attempting to argue on a technical point - whether or not he cheated on her during her mock marriage. That is a minor detail compared to the deception he carried out pretending to be straight. The man is gay and has known this since puberty. He is 40 and wanted a family so deceived a woman of child-bearing age in order to get what he wanted and very soon thereafter, he had an epiphany - my arse.

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Please mind your manners and tone, there is no need for sarcasm. I personally do not believe human sexuality is as simple as you do. OP’s spouse might or might not have had a difficult time coming to terms with his sexuality- or maybe not . The question she asked was whether his new partner is welcome for Christmas dinner. Of course people’s opinions will differ, I merely suggested a magnanimous response might be kinder and nicer for the family than perpetuating rifts. Not easy for OP of course, but presumably she wanted to hear some different views. I didn’t get a sense that ex was unfaithful prior to coming out so how would we know? Anyway, good day to you. Go in peace.

the7Vabo · 04/12/2025 15:07

TMMC1 · 04/12/2025 11:51

In the interests of a big family Christmas then yes. Think long term about this: how it would be best for your children if you are all amicable and can socialise in the same room at the same time for birthdays and events and so on.
you don’t have to be new best friends, but if you can all get along, and any future partner of yours, that really is in everybody’s best interests, particularly the children.

at the same time, do what feels right for you.

there isn’t a right or wrong answer here.

The children are 3 and 4. They need Mum & Dad. They don’t need Dad’s fairly new partner particularly in these circumstances. This isn’t a “big family Christmas” they are not all long lost cousins.

The OP doesn’t have to feel under any pressure to do it for the children this Christmas if it makes her feel uncomfortable.

After the shitty hand she’s been dealt she’s entitled to a bit of peace.

BeaRightThere · 04/12/2025 15:13

Blizzardofleaves · 04/12/2025 03:52

Whether he cheated or not is irrelevant given the lies he has told op about who he is.

IF he was bisexual he wouldn’t be ruling out ever having a relationship with another woman, it would remain a possibility. I believe him to be gay, and he has deliberately misled op.

Op could have enjoyed a secure and long lasting marriage to a straight man and had children with him. He has denied her that by lying and misleading her. Now she will always have a messy and difficult family life, and so will the children.

He will have blown her trust in men apart, and he has left her a single parent with two very young children.

He has chosen a boyfriend barely out of adolescence himself, making the dynamics so weird.

I would be incandescent. With the deception about who he pretended to be, and the impact on my own life and that of my dc, rather than caring about the exact timing of when he picked up a kid young enough to be his son.

I would not be playing happy families!!!

Not a chance.

Edited

He may be bisexual but has realised he is entirely homoromantic. This is common for many bisexuals, to be sexually attracted to both sexes but only romantically interested in one. Also the age gap is much more common in gay relationships, it doesn't strike me as especially unusual. The new boyfriend is hardly a child and I'm sure is more than capable of deciding who he wants to date.

Playing happy families may never be possible but the OP does need to have an amicable coparenting relationship with her ex and to her enormous credit it sounds like she's trying to do that.

I don't think she should feel bad about refusing this suggestion - I don't know how I would feel about it in her shoes and I can totally understand her wanting to refuse. But I hope it's possible to become friendly eventually.

Pallisers · 04/12/2025 15:23

In the interests of a big family Christmas then yes. Think long term about this: how it would be best for your children if you are all amicable and can socialise in the same room at the same time for birthdays and events and so on. you don’t have to be new best friends, but if you can all get along, and any future partner of yours, that really is in everybody’s best interests, particularly the children.

Lovely. And when the 24 year old splits with the ex next year will the next new boyfriend be at the next christmas? And so on with every new person? For god's sake nobody should be including their new boyfriend in their family christmas. If you are in a long-lasting, committed relationship well then maybe it would be nice to be inclusive. But certainly it isn't necessarily in the best interests of the children to have christmas with both divorced parents. And it definitely isn't in the best interests of the children to have their dad's new boyfriend at their home at christmas. Poor kids are probably coping with enough as it is.

If this was a new woman people on MN would be certain the ex had been unfaithful and would be unanimous that a new girlfriend shouldn't be invited to have her lunch cooked for her by the ex wife and play happy families with her new boyfriend's children. And people would be scathing about her age and the 16 year gap - not all "oh very common in gay relationships"

Pallisers · 04/12/2025 15:24

He may be bisexual but has realised he is entirely homoromantic. This is common for many bisexuals, to be sexually attracted to both sexes but only romantically interested in one.

I really hope that isn't true because if it is he coldheartedly married OP because he wanted children

Daygloboo · 04/12/2025 16:47

ChessorBuckaroo · 03/12/2025 00:45

Age difference is quite common in the gay community.

My cousin was with a man way more than twice his age (and the man also ended up dying while with him). My younger sister is closer to my cousin than me as she lived near him at the time so I cannot recall his exact age or how he died, but yeah they think nothing of the age gap.

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I know people.will have a go at me but i cant help thinking the age gap thing in the gay community is juat an excuae for an old git to exploit a young person. They got away with i it before because it was all underground but i think it's a bit crap..

JoClogs · 04/12/2025 17:16

TMMC1 · 04/12/2025 11:51

In the interests of a big family Christmas then yes. Think long term about this: how it would be best for your children if you are all amicable and can socialise in the same room at the same time for birthdays and events and so on.
you don’t have to be new best friends, but if you can all get along, and any future partner of yours, that really is in everybody’s best interests, particularly the children.

at the same time, do what feels right for you.

there isn’t a right or wrong answer here.

There is actually.
Her ex is a complete sh*t.

Her children would be better off without such an abusive man in their life.

She should contact a women's refuge for counselling (one that is truly for women and does not include men with a paraphilia) due to the sustained nature of the deception, manipulation, gaslighting and exploitation.

He is a callous and cruel misogynist, hardly a role model for children to follow.

the7Vabo · 04/12/2025 18:29

Pallisers · 04/12/2025 15:24

He may be bisexual but has realised he is entirely homoromantic. This is common for many bisexuals, to be sexually attracted to both sexes but only romantically interested in one.

I really hope that isn't true because if it is he coldheartedly married OP because he wanted children

He “realised” it at nearly 40 years of age when his wife had quite literally just popped out two kids. Actually dear I’ve realised I’m not romantically interested in women.

His behaviour was highly immoral and continues to be. He can’t give this woman a break & has to put her in the position of saying no because his BFs plans have fallen through. As if that is somehow her issue.

Immoral behaviour shouldn’t be downplayed or “explained” by oh he has just discovered his sexuality.

Daygloboo · 04/12/2025 18:36

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

Yeah, as others have.suggested, get him to pop round in the morning and then bugger off back to his fancy man. Dont cook for him.

ThisLittlePony · 04/12/2025 19:16

JoClogs · 04/12/2025 17:16

There is actually.
Her ex is a complete sh*t.

Her children would be better off without such an abusive man in their life.

She should contact a women's refuge for counselling (one that is truly for women and does not include men with a paraphilia) due to the sustained nature of the deception, manipulation, gaslighting and exploitation.

He is a callous and cruel misogynist, hardly a role model for children to follow.

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This. I am disturbed at all the posters with the blackmails and emotional lean on the op to mitigate shitty ex’s behaviour!!
why the FUCK is it on her to
Think long term about this: how it would be best for your children if you are all amicable and can socialise in the same room at the same time for birthdays and events and so on. GUILT TRIP!!!
a magnanimous response might be kinder and nicer for the family than perpetuating rifts. *GET IN THE BIN!!
maybe have practice supper with ex , kids and the BF before big day . I wouldn’t want anyone on their own at Xmas FOTTFSOF!!
and to the rest of the pathetic handmaiden “bbeeee kiiind to the poor man” shite!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/12/2025 19:45

SevenYellowHammers · 04/12/2025 15:05

Please mind your manners and tone, there is no need for sarcasm. I personally do not believe human sexuality is as simple as you do. OP’s spouse might or might not have had a difficult time coming to terms with his sexuality- or maybe not . The question she asked was whether his new partner is welcome for Christmas dinner. Of course people’s opinions will differ, I merely suggested a magnanimous response might be kinder and nicer for the family than perpetuating rifts. Not easy for OP of course, but presumably she wanted to hear some different views. I didn’t get a sense that ex was unfaithful prior to coming out so how would we know? Anyway, good day to you. Go in peace.

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"Mind your manners and your tone"?! Who the fuck do you think you are, her mum?!

I take it your basic empathy is still sitting shiny and new it is box, completely untouched. Unlike your sanctimony which is clearly well used.

ParmaVioletTea · 04/12/2025 20:07

the7Vabo · 03/12/2025 13:17

Unless that person is your ex husband who instead of being in the trenches with you when you had two very young children prioritised exploring his sexuality.

The whole thing is appalling.

The OP will never know if her ex husband effectively treated her like a surrogate without her consent.

If you want your sexuality to be your business, keep it as your business and don’t marry a woman & then leave her the second you have second child.

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This. 1000%

elgreco · 04/12/2025 20:25

Don't do it OP. He is a user.

ThisLittlePony · 04/12/2025 20:57

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/12/2025 19:45

"Mind your manners and your tone"?! Who the fuck do you think you are, her mum?!

I take it your basic empathy is still sitting shiny and new it is box, completely untouched. Unlike your sanctimony which is clearly well used.

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Oh that’s the handmaidens with the be kind to the poor lamb shite with the “gosh be kind, poor maaan don’t let him have any consequences for his shitebag twatface behaviour.. he’s had a difficult time, abandoning his wife and toddlers and shacking up with the boy toy🥹, brave brave soldier being his authentic self!!”

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/12/2025 09:50

SevenYellowHammers · 03/12/2025 17:18

This ….
maybe have practice supper with ex , kids and the BF before big day . I wouldn’t want anyone on their own at Xmas

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You'd seriously invite your (very recently) ex's affair toyboy to have dinner with you?

JoClogs · 05/12/2025 13:11

SevenYellowHammers · 04/12/2025 15:05

Please mind your manners and tone, there is no need for sarcasm. I personally do not believe human sexuality is as simple as you do. OP’s spouse might or might not have had a difficult time coming to terms with his sexuality- or maybe not . The question she asked was whether his new partner is welcome for Christmas dinner. Of course people’s opinions will differ, I merely suggested a magnanimous response might be kinder and nicer for the family than perpetuating rifts. Not easy for OP of course, but presumably she wanted to hear some different views. I didn’t get a sense that ex was unfaithful prior to coming out so how would we know? Anyway, good day to you. Go in peace.

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Being told to "mind my manners" by someone engaging in sadistic, misogynistic gaslighting - farcical.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/12/2025 16:09

SevenYellowHammers · 04/12/2025 15:05

Please mind your manners and tone, there is no need for sarcasm. I personally do not believe human sexuality is as simple as you do. OP’s spouse might or might not have had a difficult time coming to terms with his sexuality- or maybe not . The question she asked was whether his new partner is welcome for Christmas dinner. Of course people’s opinions will differ, I merely suggested a magnanimous response might be kinder and nicer for the family than perpetuating rifts. Not easy for OP of course, but presumably she wanted to hear some different views. I didn’t get a sense that ex was unfaithful prior to coming out so how would we know? Anyway, good day to you. Go in peace.

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Possibly the most misogynistic post I’ve seen on MN. It’s irrelevant whether he was unfaithful before he came out. If he was in any doubt he shouldn’t have married, let alone procreated.

the7Vabo · 05/12/2025 16:54

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/12/2025 09:50

You'd seriously invite your (very recently) ex's affair toyboy to have dinner with you?

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It’s also assuming the BF is going to be a long-term partner when it’s fairly early days.

I don’t believe it is highly likely that a man got to middle age, woke up once day & suddenly though I’m gay/bi but no longer want to be with a woman.

The argument that human sexuality is fluid, a spectrum etc shouldn’t be used to excuse selfish, self-serving behaviour.

We are increasingly being asked to celebrate people by what they identify as rather than what they contribute to society, to work, to family etc.

We should be able to show our children that values matter, that commitment matters, that they way we treat people matters and that most of all they matter.

What if this kids look back at photos of this Christmas and ask who that man was and mum has to say oh that’s daddy ex. Let them have Mum & Dad for the day or at least half the day.

lljkk · 06/12/2025 11:05

Which is it? The 24yo boyfriend must be "the reason he left our family." so that means relationship is 18months old (at least), or "it's fairly early days" in xH's relationship with this chap.

People shouldn't project.

I wish OP well in finding best solution for herself.

JoClogs · 06/12/2025 12:24

lljkk · 06/12/2025 11:05

Which is it? The 24yo boyfriend must be "the reason he left our family." so that means relationship is 18months old (at least), or "it's fairly early days" in xH's relationship with this chap.

People shouldn't project.

I wish OP well in finding best solution for herself.

Only her ex knows that but most people living in reality know that the probability he was with other men before he even met her is in the high nineties unless you suspend belief.

JoClogs · 06/12/2025 12:30

JoClogs · 06/12/2025 12:24

Only her ex knows that but most people living in reality know that the probability he was with other men before he even met her is in the high nineties unless you suspend belief.

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suspend disblief

ParmaVioletTea · 06/12/2025 13:50

Rosscameasdoody · 05/12/2025 16:09

Possibly the most misogynistic post I’ve seen on MN. It’s irrelevant whether he was unfaithful before he came out. If he was in any doubt he shouldn’t have married, let alone procreated.

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This.

I’ve had it with cowardly men who cheat women of their child-raising years, or use them to put on a socially acceptable face.

it’s fine to be gay. You can marry and everything. The men that can’t face this do ongoing damage to the brave men who accept this and boys who are finding their way.

Rosscameasdoody · 06/12/2025 14:58

lljkk · 06/12/2025 11:05

Which is it? The 24yo boyfriend must be "the reason he left our family." so that means relationship is 18months old (at least), or "it's fairly early days" in xH's relationship with this chap.

People shouldn't project.

I wish OP well in finding best solution for herself.

Either way, OP doesn’t have to host him for Christmas. If his plans have changed her DH can change his to accommodate. See the kids Christmas morning and have dinner with his partner. Sorted.