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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

473 replies

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

OP posts:
Saz12 · 02/12/2025 22:23

No.

He can be alone until 2pm, it's not much for a functioning adult to manage.

You're being incredibly accommodating to invite ex-h for Christmas morning & lunch! Maybe this is the moment when you say - fine, see the DC open gifts and then leave at 11am latest. IE leave before lunch.

BestZebbie · 02/12/2025 22:24

I also think exDH comes for gifts then goes home to his place for lunch - adding him to your family Xmas dinner as the children’s father in their home has a very different vibe to you providing, cooking and hosting their first “couple” Christmas lunch.

Namechangerage · 02/12/2025 22:25

Tell him unfortunately it is still a bit soon, but he’s welcome to just join for the present opening and then join his partner for lunch.

GiveTheDogAPringle · 02/12/2025 22:26

It’s your Xmas day too and you’re not ok with it. Say no, that doesn’t work for you.

I know people who still spend some of special days together with their children, but new partners are not part of that.

BeaRightThere · 02/12/2025 22:27

ExitPursuedByABare · 02/12/2025 22:16

My friend’s DH came out as gay 4 years ago. They still sometimes holiday together with their adult children and share family celebrations. Her one stipulation has always been that she does not want anything to do with his gay life.

It’s a big fat no from me.

That's extremely unreasonable of her. So he can never mention a boyfriend or introduce one to the kids?

JoClogs · 02/12/2025 22:27

Just say no - you don't think it's appropriate.

Honestly, it's bad enough he pretended to be straight - that's unforgivable in my opinion - I've no respect or sympathy for men who use women in this way, zero.

Imagine if he were with another woman and suggested bringing her to your house on Xmas Day - not in a million years.

Selfish to the core and beyond.

Brooklans · 02/12/2025 22:29

Absolutely ridiculous. The brass neck of him.

I’m sick of all the praise gay men receive for coming out, after they’ve married and procreated with a woman, and left her in the lurch when he’s finally decided to live his truth. Yes it may be hard coming out initially but such is life, that doesn’t mean an innocent woman should bear his burden and be mislead into a life of lies.

No excuse in the 21st century in such a progressive country as the UK. This isn’t Saudi Arabia where you’re stoned to death for such lifestyle choices. Brave I think not.

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/12/2025 22:29

response: ‘I’ve thought about it and he’s not invited. I invited you so we can both be there for our children. Nothing about having your boyfriend in my house for Christmas contributes to that. Let’s stick to the plan where we both prioritise Christmas for our very young children.’

OVienna · 02/12/2025 22:29

@Saz12 "He can be alone until 2pm, it's not much for a functioning adult to manage."

This, @Christmasissue25 .

What he wants is this though: "you providing, cooking and hosting their first “couple” Christmas lunch." @BestZebbie

Hard no to that.

ODFOx · 02/12/2025 22:30

Your DC have already met the new partner. It was an amicable albeit devastating split. The partner was not involved.
Honestly I’d say yes, though perhaps switch up the day so it doesn’t feel like a carbon copy of old times with an extra person pushed in. We have always had a ‘more the merrier’ Christmas Day here, but for you I’d suggest a change around so you can start some new traditions that ex and partner can fit in with or not.
How about ex at yours for DC present opening, then later you and DC go to his place for lunch with new partner, then home with DC for enjoying new toys, Christmas movie, happy times (even better if you can walk between venues).

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/12/2025 22:30

Namechangerage · 02/12/2025 22:25

Tell him unfortunately it is still a bit soon, but he’s welcome to just join for the present opening and then join his partner for lunch.

Don’t do this, don’t invite him to drop his children down the priority list like that’s an ok thing to do on Christmas Day.

GaIadriel · 02/12/2025 22:30

It'd be a no from me. It's not the boyfriend that's the issue, it's your ex being inappropriate. It's like your ex asking if the OW can join for xmas dinner.

Coconutter24 · 02/12/2025 22:31

BeaRightThere · 02/12/2025 22:27

That's extremely unreasonable of her. So he can never mention a boyfriend or introduce one to the kids?

Show quote history

The kids are adults so they can decide for themselves if they want to meet a new partner surely.

diddl · 02/12/2025 22:32

I'd also say no & that he can pop around in the morning & then meet his boyfriend for lunch.

OVienna · 02/12/2025 22:32

Coconutter24 · 02/12/2025 22:31

The kids are adults so they can decide for themselves if they want to meet a new partner surely.

Show quote history

The kids are tiny.

SP2024 · 02/12/2025 22:33

Nope nope nope. He could maybe leave before the meal if his parent doesn’t want to eat alone.

MCF86 · 02/12/2025 22:34

Have the children spent any time with you and ex together since he left? I feel like that could just be really confusing for them anyway. How old are they?
If he must come, I'd say for presents only. That way you don't have to play happy families for more than an hour or two and he won't feel bad leaving his boyfriend alone. (although 2pm isn't that late for someone who can have a lie in on christmas day)

mindutopia · 02/12/2025 22:34

It’s too soon. My dad’s new partner would often join us for Christmas. She was much more enjoyable to be around than him! But they met when my parents had been divorced several years. It’s too soon and it’s not the best thing for your children.

LoudSnoringDog · 02/12/2025 22:35

Absolutely fucking not

GiveTheDogAPringle · 02/12/2025 22:35

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/12/2025 22:30

Don’t do this, don’t invite him to drop his children down the priority list like that’s an ok thing to do on Christmas Day.

Show quote history

This. You don’t just drop your children on Xmas day because your partners plans have fallen through. That such a terrible thing to do.

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 22:36

His boyfriend's plans have not "fallen through", OP. You are being played. This was always his plan.

Do not do anything you don't want to do.

If it was his "other woman", would you have her around to have lunch?!

GiveTheDogAPringle · 02/12/2025 22:36

OVienna · 02/12/2025 22:32

The kids are tiny.

Show quote history

You’re getting mixed up. That poster was replying about someone else’s situation

Quitelikeit · 02/12/2025 22:37

It would be a no from me I’m afraid

I think he is selfish to even ask! But then he did marry a woman knowing he was gay then cheated on her so this doesn’t surprise me!

Can I ask what were the signs he was gay when you look back?

JoClogs · 02/12/2025 22:38

ODFOx · 02/12/2025 22:30

Your DC have already met the new partner. It was an amicable albeit devastating split. The partner was not involved.
Honestly I’d say yes, though perhaps switch up the day so it doesn’t feel like a carbon copy of old times with an extra person pushed in. We have always had a ‘more the merrier’ Christmas Day here, but for you I’d suggest a change around so you can start some new traditions that ex and partner can fit in with or not.
How about ex at yours for DC present opening, then later you and DC go to his place for lunch with new partner, then home with DC for enjoying new toys, Christmas movie, happy times (even better if you can walk between venues).

Her ex is a deceitful liar who used her to have children knowing full well he was gay.

Now he's showing her he's also an out of control narcissist by suggesting he bring his boyfriend to her home on Xmas Day.

Talking about adding insult to injury.

I'd sue him for psychological trauma, sexual assault by deception and abuse because that is what he has done to her in my opinion.

LVhandbagsatdawn · 02/12/2025 22:39

Forgive me if I've missed something but why are so many posters going on about the ex cheating? Where did OP say he cheated, please? I can't see it.

I'm also surprised at the attribution of malicious motives and scheming to this situation with absolutely no evidence whatsoever.