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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

473 replies

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 02/12/2025 23:17

@Christmasissue25 You say "ex didn't cheat (to my knowledge)"

It seems implausible that the decision to leave the marriage and abandon his children was entirely based on unexplored feelings, without even kissing or sexually touching a man to check this is what he really needed and wanted. Unless perhaps he knew this already from pre-marital gay sex and the marriage was the thing he hoped would make it all go away.

Meem321 · 02/12/2025 23:17

His boyfriend's plans have 'fallen through'.

Yeah, right. They're colluding together to spend the day playing happy families at your expense.

He can't have his cake and eat it.

Lavender14 · 02/12/2025 23:18

Unfair for him to ask so soon, but my guess is he's got way more comfortable faster than you have with the status quo for obvious reasons. And I think that's an honest conversation you need to have with him that obviously he's had a LOT of time to process all this even before breaking up with you whereas you're still processing and he's going to need to respect the fact you're working to a much slower time frame with grief and hurt and he needs to be sensitive to that if you're both going to continue to do parent because its very clear op that you're trying your best.

I think you need to be more realistic about what you actually can facilitate- the happy families thing is fine if you can do it genuinely with good will but if you're not in that place yet, then that's OK too. It doesn't mean you can't be eventually, but just not right now. You are allowed to recognise and advocate for your own needs in the midst of this as well. I think the kids will probably adjust much quicker to all this than you so really the person you need to be gentle with right now is you.

RogueFemale · 02/12/2025 23:19

@Christmasissue25 P.S. absolutely no way would I say yes to the boyfriend coming for Christmas.

nomas · 02/12/2025 23:19

I would definitely not agree to this. How he has the gall to ask is beyond me.

And who is doing all the cooking and set up?

Fredshred · 02/12/2025 23:20

There is some homophobia on here. That aside, I see why you and your ex have done what you have for your kids last year and intending this. But they are so young - they have no normal yet. You are projecting a normal, but whatever you and your ex can decide and be happy with will become their normal and they will be happy. I’d probably say that this year, in the light of the new boyfriend’s changed plans and you needing to be comfortable, that this is a good year to split your christmases, especially because and while the children are young enough that routines aren’t entrenched.

for what it’s worth I have some friends like this, they split whilst kids were very young and one got a same sex partner. There was bitterness at first and they split christmases. Fast forward a few years and now they manage to get along and for the last 10 years they (parents and partners and sometimes other friends too) do spend Christmas Day together for their now teenage boys when they can. So it can work.

but early days, I think it’s better for you to put some boundaries and not do a fake family Christmas (but of course it’s hard, when one parent loses out a little, and with kids as young as yours, then they’ll surely be with you most. He’ll just have to understand)

GiveTheDogAPringle · 02/12/2025 23:20

RogueFemale · 02/12/2025 23:17

@Christmasissue25 You say "ex didn't cheat (to my knowledge)"

It seems implausible that the decision to leave the marriage and abandon his children was entirely based on unexplored feelings, without even kissing or sexually touching a man to check this is what he really needed and wanted. Unless perhaps he knew this already from pre-marital gay sex and the marriage was the thing he hoped would make it all go away.

I agree. And whichever it is, both mean he has treated OP terribly. He either went into the marriage not being honest or he’s cheated during the marriage.

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 23:20

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:44

Just to clarify on a few points:

-Our children aren’t adults, they are 3 and 4.
-Ex didn’t cheat (to my knowledge(
-No signs he was gay during marriage, and he claims (well claimed in the aftermath) to still be physically attracted to women and is bisexual, but doesn’t ever want to be in a relationship with one again.

Oh, OP. You sound nice. And your ex has run rings around you.

It did not come "out of the blue" for him. He had been in touch with other men before your split.

And he is currently manipulating you. He's getting some kind of kick out of having his young thing around in your family house on Christmas Day.

ChiliFiend · 02/12/2025 23:21

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 22:44

THE KIDS ARE NOT ADULTS

Why can't people actually read?!

Show quote history

The OP's kids are not adults but in the thread you're quoting (which starts with a similar story) they are.

OnlyToffeePennies · 02/12/2025 23:21

OP - he didn't necessarily cheat.

In my experience, yes, many people who come out later in life do so after infidelity. It's often developing feelings for someone of the same sex that forces them to acknowledge their sexuality.

However, it's not always the case. Though they do often seem to move on to new relationships at lightning speed. I suppose they're making up for lost time.

I really don't think it's helpful for people to keep telling OP that her XH was definitely cheating on her. Only her XH knows that for sure.

Hons123 · 02/12/2025 23:22

How is this cunt - boyfriend different from say, a mistress, who wants to join your now broken family for Christmas lunch because her plans fell through? No way should you allow this. What a bastard, what two bastards, unfeeling, selfish bastards.

ChiliFiend · 02/12/2025 23:24

If his plans have fallen through, he has plenty of time to make a new one that doesn't involve you and your children.

Derbee · 02/12/2025 23:25

He’s a dick for even asking. He needs to put his very young children first. If he can’t do that, he spends it with his boyfriend instead of you three. It’s too soon for him to have his cake and eat it. What a bastard

Bungle2168 · 02/12/2025 23:25

@Christmasissue25 Your ex is a dissembling bounder, cad, and rotter.

I am astonished at his chutzpah. He dropped a bomb on your children and expects to play happy families?

No, he can have his Christmas chicken at home.

Justchillinhere · 02/12/2025 23:26

I would have laughed out loud from the shock of how ridiculous he was being, a definite hard no, I don't understand why people seem to extend invitations for a free meal to who they want, it really is CF

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/12/2025 23:27

Offit · 02/12/2025 22:10

Jesus, of course not! I can't believe the gall he has to even ask.

It shouldn't be a surprise, given the gall he had marrying OP, and procreating with her, all the while being deceitful over his real sexuality. He conned OP into thinking she was marrying for life, and him for love. He's a disgrace. Poor OP.

PruthePrune · 02/12/2025 23:27

If it was an OW do you think you would be even asking?Just because he is gay doesn't make it more acceptable.

Bloozie · 02/12/2025 23:28

Perfectly within your rights to say no. Not unreasonable at all.

I’d consider saying yes though, just because this is going to be the new normal for your family and if you can try to embrace it, welcoming your ex’s new partner (of any sex) into your home sends a strong signal to your children that the grown ups get along and are a stable bedrock for them. I’ll always advocate for this. It’s best for the children, if it’s possible.

So not unreasonable to say no. But think long term about it.

CryptoFascist · 02/12/2025 23:29

Not a chance.

Bigcat25 · 02/12/2025 23:31

You'd have to be a fucking saint.

OtterlyAstounding · 02/12/2025 23:31

I think it would be wrong of you to say 'yes'.

You'd be forcing yourself to put up with something that makes you miserable on a day you should be happy with your children, in order to make two selfish, thoughtless men happy. I think you've probably suffered enough thanks to this man, and your children won't benefit from his boyfriend being there, making their mum unhappy.

You shouldn't subsume your own valid feelings in order to pander to your ex who - let's face it - used you for years in full knowledge of what he was doing, and then dumped you to be a single mother to two young children, never mind how much harder that makes your life in terms of finding future partners, or your career and financial well-being, right into your retirement years.
And as for his 'younger boyfriend', he's no different to a 'younger girlfriend' who I'm sure you wouldn't even consider hosting - you have zero obligation to him, and he can make his own plans. It has nothing to do with you, or your children.

Say no.

As a child of divorced parents, a suggestion: if you live very nearby to your ex, and want to be amicable, then in future it might make more sense to split the children's day between you two - Christmas lunch and presents with one parent (on a rotating basis each year), and then a light Christmas dinner and more presents at the other's.

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 23:31

Bloozie · 02/12/2025 23:28

Perfectly within your rights to say no. Not unreasonable at all.

I’d consider saying yes though, just because this is going to be the new normal for your family and if you can try to embrace it, welcoming your ex’s new partner (of any sex) into your home sends a strong signal to your children that the grown ups get along and are a stable bedrock for them. I’ll always advocate for this. It’s best for the children, if it’s possible.

So not unreasonable to say no. But think long term about it.

Why? OP doesn't want to say yes.

OP and her ex can be grown up adults without the new boyfriend around.

Okiedokie123 · 02/12/2025 23:33

Far too soon. Whether his new relationship is with a man or a woman it’s far far too soon. Not at all fair on your children Or you.
His new partner is an adult, a morning on his own won’t harm him (even on Christmas Day!)

Imonmyway · 02/12/2025 23:36

How do you feel? Have you met him? Is the hope to be friendly? If so maybe could call in and coļlect him for 10 mins?

Homegrownberries · 02/12/2025 23:36

No. Just no.

You wouldn't have his girlfriend there so why would you have his boyfriend?