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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

473 replies

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

OP posts:
Pleatherandlace · 02/12/2025 22:11

The priority here is the children. I’m sure the grown adult boyfriend can cope with having Christmas morning on his own.

Vaxtable · 02/12/2025 22:13

It would be a no from me. If he is that concerned he can come to yours to open presents then go back to his bf for lunch

Hankunamatata · 02/12/2025 22:13

Id suggest back that you start seperate Christmas this year. Better to start now while kids are young

Newsenmum · 02/12/2025 22:13

do they children know him? Have you
met him?

OiFatArse · 02/12/2025 22:13

Tell him to get fucked, how on earth can he even think this is ok. I now have a very good co parenting relationship with my children's dad, but even leaving out affairs, coming out as gay, anything else, we had major issues for a long time. How your ex can think this is acceptable in these circumstances is beyond me. Stick to your guns.

Newsenmum · 02/12/2025 22:13

Vaxtable · 02/12/2025 22:13

It would be a no from me. If he is that concerned he can come to yours to open presents then go back to his bf for lunch

This makes more sense

Tighteningmybelt · 02/12/2025 22:14

Fuck that.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 02/12/2025 22:14

I know couples who host one of their exs. But if you dont want to, just dont.

youalright · 02/12/2025 22:14

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango2 · 02/12/2025 22:05

Some divorced people try and be amicable you know?

Show quote history

You can be amicable without spending Christmas with ex and new partners.

Ohpleeeease · 02/12/2025 22:15

I don’t believe there were any plans to fall through, this is an ambush OP. You need to push back and say no.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 02/12/2025 22:15

Would he ask to bring a new girlfriend? You'd likely have zero hesitation in saying no if he did. This is no different. He's just expecting you to suck it up given the different circumstances.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 02/12/2025 22:15

HARD NO

Hes a complete misogynist, i can tell already

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 02/12/2025 22:15

Hotflushesandchilblains · 02/12/2025 22:14

I know couples who host one of their exs. But if you dont want to, just dont.

Within 18 months?

ExitPursuedByABare · 02/12/2025 22:16

My friend’s DH came out as gay 4 years ago. They still sometimes holiday together with their adult children and share family celebrations. Her one stipulation has always been that she does not want anything to do with his gay life.

It’s a big fat no from me.

ICantWaitAnotherMinute · 02/12/2025 22:16

My response would be “That doesn’t work for me”

Duckishness · 02/12/2025 22:16

teaandtoastwouldbenice · 02/12/2025 22:10

It’s not about him being a man, that you need to say no, it’s unfair if you feel uncomfortable with your ex’s partner spending your Christmas with you and your children. If it was a woman I think some would find it easier to say no.

This is the first Xmas where you can pave the way forward for Christmas’s to come. Your children don’t want either of their parents to be uncomfortable and separate days might be best. Tell him what you want to happen - it’s perhaps unrealistic for the two of you to always spend it together - my parents did this from age 5 and it set up many miserable angsty Christmas days that me and my sister did not enjoy and it lasted well into our adulthoods, this idea of the parents needs taking precedence rather than allowing alternate Christmas’s. Honestly do what makes you feel happiest.

This.

So just no.

It is your Christmas too Op. You have agency over who with and how you spend your time.

CandyCaneKisses · 02/12/2025 22:17

I would have him come over. He’s already in the kids lives and you are obviously very amicable with your ex so no real bad blood.

IhateBegonias · 02/12/2025 22:18

Nope to your ex being there and a bigger NO to his partner coming.
so sorry you’re going through this but don’t put yourself in any more pain.

Original poster
Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:18

Newsenmum · 02/12/2025 22:13

do they children know him? Have you
met him?

Our children are very young but yes have met him. I met him before he was introduced to them. He’s polite, and a lot younger than my ex Husband. I really don’t think i’d be comfortable with what has been suggested though.

OP posts:
ThinkingIsAllowed · 02/12/2025 22:19

Yanbu and it's shocking that he even asked. He is not putting his children first

GooseyGandalf · 02/12/2025 22:19

I think the vibe could be very weird for the dc. They pick up easily on their DM’s discomfort. Dc are programmed to be very sensitive to their adult caregivers, though they also are inclined to then internalise and assume that it’s somehow their fault.

I think for their sake you should say no. Do they actually know what the plans are? If not, consider separating the day. Or their df might have them on Boxing Day and could spend Christmas with bf.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 02/12/2025 22:20

If you’re not comfortable with it then you have your answer OP. Some people might be fine with it, I don’t think it’s such a problem that they’ve asked but the answer is no and should be respected

Chinsupmeloves · 02/12/2025 22:23

Too much too soon. You're still reeling from this situation and he should not have even asked you! Not your problem his partner will be alone for a few hours, grown adult, get a grip! Tje pure audacity, absolutely prick 😤

Pallisers · 02/12/2025 22:23

No way. And I'd say the same if it was a new girlfriend although to me there is a special kick to the man I married in good faith discovering after I had his childrn that he was gay after all.

I'd suggest to your dh that he comes over in the morning for presents etc. and then he goes off to have a lovely lunch with his new boyfriend.

I suppose you'd be cooking the lunch for them would you?

RowOfRunners · 02/12/2025 22:23

I wouldn’t have a problem with it but I’m not in your shoes so can’t know for sure how I would feel.
If you don’t feel comfortable then it’s a hard no. The boyfriend can make other plans with other people or be on his own until your ex gets home. It won’t kill him.

Next year divide the children’s time between your house and their house.